Dec 30, 2008

One of the great perks of my job is access to this beautiful duck pond surrounded by palm trees and public art. Know what you find when you Google "deceased ducks r.i.p. howard crackers quackers i loved you"? A bunch of awesome duck memorials. You know what is fun? Both reading and writing duck memorials (guess which ones are real below):

Beauregard made me happy in ways that I will never know again most likely. He ate lead balls and got lead poisioning.

My ducks were my best friends...literally. Tammy was eaten by an animal. Tonia was killed on the road. Reggie and Otto got stolen.

My duck Cuddles Partytime was my best friend. People can be so cruel to ducks they don't understand that they can share in your happiness and sadness.

I got my duck from my aunt's farm. My duck was the sweetest thing, he would come up to me and wag his tail and follow me all around. He showed me that anything is possible! My duck died of a tragic disease called Botulism.

RIP Wobbles. I found him when I was going to school he was just lying there not moving at all. He taught me how to be responsible for a disabled duck. He died from a disease that I don't know what it is called but prevented him from walking.

Sometimes I would just sit and talk to Professor Livingstone for hours. He liked to walk with me to get the mail but one day he got run over by the postman. I hope the Professor knows I dream about him every night and may the wind always be beneath your wings my dear, dear friend.

My favorite was Pretty Miracles she was the best. She liked to sit on my tummy when I watched Designing Women.

For a long time I have suffered from a weight problem and also acne. My ducks made me want to get out and do stuff because they were so happy. Then my dog ate them both. I miss them. I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!

Dec 29, 2008

Rhyme Time

I've got one: Smart Boob.
Hmmm, a witty titty?
Nice job!
How about this one: Exact Architecture.
I give up.
A fine line!
Here's another: Funky Shoes.
Ummmm, hip hop flip flops?
You got it!
This one is good: Third Wheel.
Tres something?
Nope.
Ummm, I give up.
Cockblock!
But that's not right. You can't say "third wheel."
Yes I can.
No, you have to use two synonyms.
But "third wheel" is so good!
No, you have to say something else, like, Penis Barricade.

Dec 18, 2008

Dec 7, 2008


I can't wait for Virgania Horsen to produce more daytime TV-quality commercials promoting:
Adjustable beds
Turning gold teeth and jewelry into cash
Help with invention patents
Life insurance for just pennies on the dollar
Certification as a private investigator or personal typist
BECAUSE DAYTIME TV IS NOT ALLOWED TO AIR COMMERCIALS ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

Dec 4, 2008

If I had to stand in front of a Wal-Mart all day ringing a bell at holiday shoppers, It would almost be worth it if I could tell them to reconsider buying that Bratz doll in favor of doing this instead.

Books to buy your kid:
Dear Bill, Remember me? and other stories I read this book when I was 12 and it really made me want to get a job someday in a donut shop serving coffee to people who sat on barstools and smoked all day and paid for everything in small change. I also recall a lot of imagery about hairless, meaty forearms and smelling like limburger cheese.

Turn Homeward, Hannalee This book will make you feel ridiculous for wanting to run away from home since Hannalee is a crossdressing Civil War fugitive that has to work in textile factories to hitchhike her way back to her mom. Amazingly, no rape scenes.

Rabble Starkey
I don't even remember what this book is about but it did reference male pubic hair which was pretty gross.

The Summer of the Swans Blah, blah, the teacher confiscated your slap-bracelet and life sucks but do you have to also take care of your mentally challenged brother who's obsessed with swans?

Island of the Blue Dolphins So you're a preteen lampooned on a deserted island with no volleyball to talk to. Life stinks but you make awesome puka shell necklaces and brush your hair all day!

From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler These kids get locked in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, eat a lot of cheap sandwiches and solve an international crime.

Oh man, I could just keep going forever on this one.

Sincerely,
Charlotte Cheetham, Master of Disaster

Dec 2, 2008


But what you don’t see are the 13 year old girls running away from him with stolen Victoria’s Secret panties.

Nov 24, 2008

OFFICIAL SITE OF RAE DAWN CHONG HAIR

Courtesy of thewaybackmachine.com, some old DBS posts:

Are tapered jeans meant for people with tapered legs? Because how awful, you know, to actually have tapered legs. To actually know your legs are, in a sense, "fasionably unacceptable."

I love you, Jonny Lang. You would never bring enchiladas into the movie theater. That's because love would have come to town.

For the second time, someone has urinated in the elevator. Inexplicably, this time, it smells faintly like analgesic.

I just found a bug on my expensive organic grapes. Why is my life infested with bugs and flatulence?

What Sylvia The Maid Relayed To Me Last Night In A Drunken Long-Distance Phone Call From New Mexico
I am old. I'm a pro. Don't be fooled by my pancake kabuki makeup and false eyelashes out to there. My beehive wig is teased and on straight. It's glued on in some spots. When the light hits it just right, you can see straight through it and my whole head looks illuminated, just like a Bible portrait. My best friend works at a drugstore and taught me how to do my makeup. It stays on all day through Murphy's oil applications and Windex spurting. My eyebrows are drawn on in thin onyx arches. My rouge is applied on the apples of my cheeks and blended up into my hairline. My lipstick is Argentine Tangerine but the secret is all in the lip liner.

My feet have no corns or bunions. I soup them up with corn husk oil and vaseline each night and seal it all in with thick cotton tube socks. Sylvia the Maid is proud of her figure, she is. She is! You think Sylvia the Maid has it easy. You think Sylvia doesn't have to work to keep her figure but she does. She does! When I restock the kitchen pantry I do repititions with the soup cans. I fully extend my arms when I reach to vacuum. I can make an entire floor of double bedded motel room beds while posing in a deep squat position. I can! You don't even know all the things I can do! Oops, I just threw up a little green sauce.

Sylvia the Maid goes to the Renaissance Faire
Sylvia the Maid went to the Renaissance Faire this weekend. She sort of liked it because it reminded her of the first time she went to Disneyland and she was all google-eyed at the themey set-ups and sort of disappointed the Hall of Presidents wasn't around but it was good they at least still had the Tiki Room. Sylvia didn't like the corporate sponsorship of Delta Airlines and Chase Bank at the Renaissance Fair but at least there were turkey legs and jousting and a village lout laying splayed out on the ground just banging a wooden spoon on a tin pot. Sylvia wondered if she had majored in theater in college if she, too, would have had an 87% chance of ending up performing on the Renaissance Fair circuit and been instead called Sylvia the Juggling Storyteller That Mostly Makes Jokes About Boobs, but as Sylvia the Maid had only a partial certificate of completion from Selena Cisneros' Beauty College (she failed her final exam in the Ogilve home perm), Sylvia had an 87% chance of becoming Sylvia the Maid. And so she did.

Sylvia was so tuckered out from her day at the Renaissance Fair and seeing Bea Arthur's one-woman show that same evening that she slept until noon the next day and rolled out of bed, only to fall asleep again outside in the sun in an old recliner. In an attempt to complete a certificate in Speed Reading: The Timeless Art of Scanning with Accuracy and Comprehension, Sylvia read The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green and What's Eating Gilbert Grape? in two days and marked them on her speed reading worksheet. I know! Sylvia the Maid didn't know the Gilbert Grape movie had been adapted from a novel either!

All in all, Sylvia the Maid had a decent weekend. She did start reading Sade's Justine last night and realized it would be too complicated to apply to her speed reading certification and also she was afraid of having dreams (again) about abuse and sadism (obviously) and the underbelly of French life in the 1700's, so she set it aside and read Help! I'm a prisoner in the library! instead.

Today, Sylvia the Maid is hard at work at a Best Western, Febreezing the smell of semen from never-washed comforters and dusting framed posters of tropical birds in leafy trees with pastel flowers.


Further re-affirming that I am now too old for activities like jogging long distances, operating a cell phone and eating spicy foods (OHMYGOD THE ANGINA), we purchased a Wii last night and I have already severely injured myself just trying to open up the packaging. And so while I was Googling "old people hilarious misadventures in bathrobes Wii," I discovered this entire subculture of exploitation clips and photos of elderly folks using a Wii in what they believe to be the safe, nurturing environs of their assisted living facilities or homes of their loved ones. It's usually their beloved grandkids setting them up for the HAHAs that only YouTube can provide and which I have lovingly embedded for you here:

Nov 20, 2008


Today I expressed my feelings for the office pre-holiday potluck via a Hormel salami platter. Fact O' the Day: Algona, Iowa is home to the Hormel pepperoni production facility, thereby christening Algona 'the pepperoni capital of the world.'

Nov 13, 2008

Hey, to all the high school kids breaking in to neighborhood cars:

GET A REAL JOB AND BUY YOUR DRUGS LIKE AN ADULT.

Nov 7, 2008

Live blogging my Friday night (sad)

Well because it's Friday night I am sitting alone watching Flo and Kay: Twin Savants on Discovery Health Channel and now I am HOLY SHIT THIS PREGNANT MAN IS PUSHING A BABY OUT HIS VAGINA.

Popeyes Louisiana Big Easy Chicken Bowl looks like someone diarrhead in the toilet while eating chicken strips and turned around to take a look and dropped the chicken strips in the toilet and then was like, "I know what would make this more appealing some grated cheese I'll go get some."

Every VH-1 commercial has someone that submitted a name for our ham party.

Hey, Lee Jeans, I was not aware that you had a problem with your jeans flashing buttcrack because I didn't think that was possible with an above belly-button elastic waistband.

Is it just me or is the man in the Time Shares Only commercial wearing an oversized stonewashed Costco jean jacket with a popped collar?

I think I'm going to start using the phrase "caca fiesta" more. Thanks, Dlisted.

Lady, if you slammed those Ikea cabinet doors that hard in real life, the whole damn cabinet would shift into a parallelogram and fall to the floor.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra has lasers at their shows? WELL COUNT ME IN.

Wow, The Sexiest Bachelor in America Pageant is on. That man is walking the stage in Tevas. This must be the bathing suit portion. That man's trunks look like a popcorn box. My God, are they all wearing Tevas? How did Crocs miss out on this sponsorship? Hey, that guy cheated, he's wearing underpants. There are a lot of single firefighters out there. Roshumba, way to parlay that SI Swimsuit career into a reality show judging gig. Hey, look at that, a man who doesn't shave his chest. Did someone give Oprah's entire audience free tickets to this? I can't wait for the choreographed dance interludes. Oh wait, the five finalists are getting announced. This looks like Top Gun's volleyball scene auditions. WHAT THERE IS AN EVENING WEAR PORTION AND AUDIENCE MEMBERS GET TO DANCE WITH THE FINALISTS THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

My Bare Lady 2 I am definitetly going to DVR that how did I miss season 1?

Ok back to the man pageant. Geez, someone give these audience members some penis, stat. So let me get this straight, the guys get interviewed and then they just call someone up from the audience to slow dance to bad canned jazz and then they get graded by the judges? WHAT THEY ARE MIC'D UP? That audience lady just told him he smelled good while they were dancing I don't want to hear this mic business like all HEY MY PENIS IS GETTING EXCITED SINCE YOU'RE WEARING THAT CRUSHED VELVET CHARLOTTE ROUSSE DRESS TELL ME HOW GOOD I SMELL AGAIN. I bet these guys all smell like Drakkar. Popcorn pants was a VP with the Boyscouts? I think they have rules against participating in this kind of stuff. POPCORN PANTS IS SINGING WHILE SLOW DANCING?? "IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU GIRL YOU LOOK SO NICE YOU ARE SO FINE TO ME WILL YOU PLEASE BE MIIIINE" Jesus Christ. Heeeey, Mr. Arizona, lookin' good. Oh phew, this show is from 2000 which explains all the Tevas and tube tops and chunky heeled shoes. Man, it's like cotillion for adults but somehow more awkward.

I'll have the extra tight pants combo too.

ExtenZe. Way to class up genital medicine, medical marketers.

Congratulations, Tom Gill, Mr. Virginia, winner of the man pageant except that part about how your dream proposal would take place at a high school basketball game where you are a sports announcer how about you never do that.

Ok, one of us needs to step away from the tv. I guess I'll go first.
I have a treasure chest of childhood movies that I could probably still watch and enjoy today. Revisiting the list, there are an alarming number of movies with Fred Savage. For instance:

The Boy Who Could Fly: An emotional movie where a mentally challenged boy flies around the neighborhood. Fred Savage is the little brother of the girl in love with the mentally challenged flying boy.

Little Monsters: Howie Mandel is a blue monster who wears a denim jacket and traumatizes children while they are sleeping. Fred Savage is Howie's best friend and his girlfriend enjoys photosynthesis.

Vice Versa: Judge Reinhold gets Freaky Friday-d with his son (Fred Savage). The movie ends with "Set the Night to Music" by Starship for no explainable reason.

Flight of the Navigator: A young boy gets abducted by a spaceship with Pee Wee Herman as his navigator and Sarah Jessica Parker works for NASA. Fred Savage does not appear in this movie.

The Neverending Story:
A boy with a bowl cut rides a dog-dragon and befriends a little Native American boy with anger issues. Fred Savage is nowhere to be found.

D.A.R.Y.L.: A robotic boy gets adopted by a family with a son named Turtle and later escapes a government facility by flying a fighter jet. Fred Savage cried when he saw this movie.

So Fred Savage is now directing It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and is clearly on the up and up. But what about my beloved first crushes of these other movies? According to Wikipedia, I have gathered these facts:

Barrett Oliver (Neverending Story/D.A.R.Y.L.): "...was one of the 10 featured emerging photographers in the 2007 Silverstein Photography Annual."

Noah Hathaway (Neverending Story): "Noah Hathaway has been active in sports all his life. He also played basketball, lifted weights, ran on treadmills and raced motorcycles. Hathaway left acting in the mid-1980s and moved into dance instruction, teaching advanced jazz and street dance until an injury forced him to quit in 1989 at eighteen."

Joey Cramer (Flight of the Navigator): And this is where it gets interesting because I found this gem composed by Bex Schwartz:

"Flight of the Navigator" (to the tune of "Love in an Elevator")
Yeeah!
Walkin' through the woods with my brother (whoa)
Fell into a fuckin' ditch (oh yeah)
A flyin' saucer scooped me up, man (whoa)
It's gonna be a fuckin' bitch (oh yeah)

But where we gonna go?
Phaelon, in outerspace!
Then we'll come back 8 years later and
They'll stick us in that NASA place

(chorus)
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I ain't goin' down
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I been flyin' round


Sarah Jessica's my intern (whoa)
RALF is gonna set me free (whoa yeah)
Max is finally gonna learn now
The Navigator -- he is me!

But where did Joey go?
Where's the Navigator now?
I really want to know!
So come on, Joey -- take your bow!

(chorus)
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I ain't goin' down
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I been flyin' round


In the air, in the air, honey one more time
Now it ain't fair
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I'll be flyin' round

Oct 16, 2008


VH1's The Pick-up Artist

I have so many things to say and so many questions to ask about Mystery as a human being and how he goes about his day and does he put his Hot Topic-for-Adults-Pants on one pleathered leg at a time, etc. I don't even know where to begin. I guess a list of rambling thoughts will suffice.

1. The one good thing I can say about this show is that it does seem to somehow instill self confidence in dudes that for whatever reasons strike out with the ladies and place trust in a former magician who dresses like... a former magician.

2. It's amazing what a good haircut can do for self esteem, not to mention upgrading your men's stonewashed Lee jeans from 1997.

3. I highly question the quality of a woman who will respond to flattery and close-talking from men who introduce themselves seriously as Matador and Mystery.

4. Are there really women out there who find dudes with flat-ironed hair, hemp chokers, goggles, feathered hats and eyeliner stylish and attractive? Oh, are they eastern European? What am I missing?

5. Listening to Mystery talk is like being in a really dull organizational consulting class. If he says "two set" and "multiple threading" one more time I'm going to start cutting myself.

6. The foundation of the program appears to be that women are the stronger, more dominant sex who will only pay attention to a man if tricked or worn down by strategic conversation tactics and staged physical advances thinly disguised as shitty pick-up lines and personal space-violating body caresses.

7. If a man comes up to you in a bar and looks like he blow-dried his hair with a round brush and shopped at Forever 21 for his men's faux-fur vest then you are probably hanging out at the wrong place to meet dudes. Unless that man is gay in which case you are probably at a really fun bar dancing your life away.

8. I don't know what it's like to date outside of college but this show makes me nervous that it's all ball bearings and bad eyebrow piercings and being on hidden camera while a guy has been told to do a magic trick to distract you while he rubs one out against your leg these days.

9. SERIOUSLY THE TICKLER FACIAL HAIR AND EYEBROW PIERCINGS HAVE GOT TO GO THIS IS NOT THE 90'S.

10. How come none of the girl-meeting strategy outlines approaching women in college libraries or while working on a Habitat for Humanity project? Is it because you can't trick a woman in a well-lit area where booze is not involved? Is it because you can't wear leather pants? I don't know the rules.

11. Never trust a person who points and/or makes peace signs in photos unironically.


THERMOSPA
What in the hell is this all about. And have you seen a more ridiculous commercial. All my questions related to this product are so baffling they have become statements. I hate this commercial more than The Gold Kit. I would be more apt to send my numerous gold teeth and collection of high school class rings in an inter-office mailer to New Jersey than invest in one of these. First of all, the commercial has, like, a John Williams score. And the ThermoSpa has a DVD and a 48-page brochure. What takes 48 pages? It's a hot tub. It has water and you sit in it and sometimes you turn up the heat and release the bubbles. In the ThermoSpa's Spa Trainer, you can seat twelve people comfortably. According to the commercial, all these people will need to wear matching black bathing suits. And sometimes there will be just three people in the spa with one person swimming olympic training-style against the current and two others kickin' it in the back not looking at all awkward about sharing a spa while someone is trying to work out. Probably because they are all going to have a giant orgy when the work out is over in their enormous twelve-person ThermoSpa. You can also have the ThermoSpa displayed in the front yard of your Georgian mansion. According to the commercial, it will be delivered fully assembled by an 18-wheeler, ready for use so you can drink mint juleps and spy on the neighbors in the comfort of your own twelve-person front yard hot tub.You can also watch movies on a flat screen television from the comfort of your custom ThermoSpa. According to the commercials, these shows should only feature children running on a beach or holding hands in a circle. You should plant flowers around your ThermoSpa to maximize relaxation.If you act now, you will receive not only a DVD and 48-page brochure but free delivery and chemicals and a $400 coupon. A coupon for what. I don't know. Black bathing suits maybe.

May 2, 2008

dbs2: yeah
you need at least 4 people to conceive
everyone knows that

me: yes it takes a village

dbs2: village to raise
5 to have it

me: and one to screw in the lightbulb
and 2 to turn the ladder

dbs2: what's a lightbulb?

me: exactly
I am really into using wax paper to wrap various food items. Before the weather blows up around here, it's like my dream to wrap sandwiches and fruit and a slice of cake in wax paper (separately, of course) and place them in a wicker basket with a glass bottle of something carbonated and maybe a thermos with detachable mug for drinking the soup inside and then sit outside on some grass next to a peaceful scene by a lake with perhaps a small child pushing a homemade boat around or flying a kite. I'm really into tactile things and have been craving the experience of unwrapping wax paper in various situations. I also want to pack a briefcase for work with a banana, waxpaper-wrapped sandwich and a newspaper and open it on my lap on a park bench. Maybe the sandwich will be bologna and maybe it will be peanut butter and fluff, I don't know, but surely not ham and cheese. I feel that making either of these two scenarios come to fruition will prove extrememly gratifying for me.

Apr 25, 2008

QUICK SOMEBODY BUY ME THE TIME LIFE COUNTRY ROMANCE COLLECTION
People are stealing penises in Africa. Doesn't that continent have enough to deal with already?
Somebody please give Chloe Lattanzi a duet with Amy Lee so they can just make a James Bond movie theme song and get it over with.
I want to have Peter Andre and Katie Price over for cocktails so we can talk about self tanner and play that Newlywed game my mom bought us on DVD that we only did once because it says things like "making whoopie" and we were all making who? Whoopie Goldberg? Jumping Jack Flash or Sister Act? Or with Ted Danson in blackface? WHAT???

Apr 22, 2008

MTV, this is what you need more of:

True Life: Especially featuring insane cheerleaders and people from New Jersey with showbiz aspirations. I like it when people are angrily driving in their cars which is all the time. And that girl who goes to church in boxer shorts.

Engaged and Underage: I love watching high school kids get married for sex because God would smite their genitals otherwise. And then living in their in-laws' backyards and having no job skills.

Rob & Big: I admit it took me a while to get into this show and now the theme song makes me all emotional just like Cheers. And also that episode with the cereal box and the one with the magic show.

My Super Sweet 16: I use zero brain cells to watch this which is a plus and enjoy watching them talk about how hot they are and try on dresses with sequins. It sometimes is good for learning freaky dance moves that your parents will hate and then threaten to shut down your party before they give you a luxury suv.

Made: There is always a good family-eating-dinner scene where someone gets in trouble and everyone says they're too fat/stupid/unpopular to achieve their Made dream. I also like it when they are forced to ask people out on dates when it has really nothing to do with what they want to be Made into.

Apr 18, 2008

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH PEREZ NOBODY IS REMAKING TEEN WITCH STARRING ASHLEY TISDALE THAT IS BLASPHEMY.
It only seems fitting that Brad Pitt has a non-famous brother named Doug.

Apr 16, 2008

I tried a neti pot today. It's pretty much what I picture drowning in your own mucus to be like.

Apr 13, 2008

i wonder what's it like to sign a waiver to have sex on a reality tv show.

Apr 9, 2008

Hey, you from the east side or the west side?
Um, neither.
Where you from?
Arizona.
Yeah, man, I been there. It's way humid, right?
Well, it's the desert so it's hot but it's not humid.
Yeah, I been there with um, Ft. Huachuca. It's real humid there.
Um, yeah, it's pretty hot.
Cool, cool. I just got back here. I had to leave the Army. I got too much aggression and I had to leave. I got into a coma too and I'm doing better. No more drugs and alcohol, you know? That makes you stupid. And life is tough enough. Life is tough if you're stupid.
Yeah, I guess so. Life is just tough in general.
Yeah, I jumped out of planes and shit. I used to talk to those knuckleheads real rough man, real rough. I called 'em knuckleheads, jarheads, but that's Marines man. But yeah, knuckleheads. I got too much aggression. I don't like nobody telling me orders, you know? Like, why you gotta get someone else to do your job? You pissed about something then just do it your own self. Why you gotta yell at someone else to do something, you know?
Yeah, I guess so.
I got an ex-wife. Real pretty but she's living with our three kids somewhere in Culver City. Or North Carolina. With her new boyfriend that went to Iraq because he didn't get kicked out of the Army. She don't want me to know where she lives but I love my kids, man. I love my little girl and I told the boys to protect her, to look out for her. I want to start one of those, whatdoyoucallits, um, where you can like put money in for kids and stuff? I want to do that. But I got to stop buyin' cocaine and weed man. And prostitutes.
Yeah, it's good you realize that though.
Yeah man, I used to box real good. Real tough. You never reach farther than you can punch. Just slide up real close and then BAM! Pretend you're a southpaw and then just BAM! lay one on 'em real hard with your right. I went to Michigan for some college for a while. I was boxing in Jr. Olympics. Now I go to V.A. for remedial math and stuff. Got to be tactical and tough. But I got too much agression. See this business card? It's my friend Rose. She's real good, real good. She works at V.A. They help teach you cooking and how to do laundry and stuff but man, I been cooking since I was little. My parents, they didn't want me and someday I'm going to move to the Phillipines and find them and make them cook for me, you know? I was always cooking rice and fish for them. But I got to stop buying prostitutes and smoking weed. I did Alcoholics Anonymous and that other one, um, narcotics something. My ex-wife, she's real smart and talented, you know? But it's better I'm single. No wife, no kids no nothing.
Yeah, well, maybe you can get your life together and then you can be a good dad later on.
Yeah, I want to protect them. Tyson, he's going to be a boxer someday. But sometimes it's hard and I think about just ending it all. Just buying a gun and all that. But I was in a coma for 5 weeks and had to learn to walk and talk again. And just like Christ, I rose again, you know? Life is tough if you're stupid.
Okay, well, I've gotta go now. Good luck with everything though.
Okay, man.
There's a possibility of a Myrtle Beach trip in the coming months and I would like to go but know I'll be real disappointed when it doesn't turn out like Shag the movie.

Apr 7, 2008

me: we watched back-to-back episodes of diff'rent strokes yesterday then downloaded the theme song (courtesy of alan thicke) and memorized it.
a man is booorn
he's a man of meaaaans
then along came the twooo
they got nothin' but their jeaaaans!

dbs2: wonder what show will be lucky enough to have robin thicke sing their theme song
girl it's the two of us now
but invite your friend
i'll rub you both down
i don't think you're allowed to view the rest of robin t's lyrics on the internet
at least on your work server

me: i think he's the type of guy that says "sometimes i like to make love to myself while listening to the lyrics of my songs"
Rock the Cradle. I only wish one thing because where is Richard Marx and why doesn't he have a child to participate.

Apr 6, 2008

See, here's the issue- you worry about UFOs and I worry about real problems.

Mar 29, 2008

sometimes i can't get off the phone with my husband because he won't stop doing wanda sykes impersonations.

Mar 21, 2008

i just took a personality test, sort of akin to the expensive myers briggs one i took in college that pretty much told me i was in the wrong major and probably at the wrong college. turns out, i was an enfp back then and i have changed and am now an entp. which i think means i care less about people now than i did back then. fellow entp fictional persons (according to the website i used which i deemed accredited due to lack of pop-ups)include:
shirley feeney
bugs bunny
mercutio
horace rumpole
garfield
tomorrow we are going to the renaissance faire, old navy, a kickball tournament and then a dinner of over-sized portions of steak and creamed corn. i love you, america.

Mar 18, 2008


I was doing some research on Danity Kane because really, what is that name all about, and came across this picture. Even though they all look like contestants on Rock of Love (I should probably just admit that show is all I think about thesedays) they're the kind of girls that make me feel like I apply makeup like a 12 year old. And have you ever seen so many hair extensions on one person? And how long has Kate Moss been in the group?

Mar 13, 2008

We had a pizza party at lunch today followed by a 20 minute Power Point presentation on how to use the new postage machine. There was a flow chart of the thought process you're supposed to take as you consider whether or not you should use a size 10 envelope or a size 9 or a flat envelope of perhaps a larger size. And there were some surface area equations. Did you know envelopes have girth? At one point I got completely disoriented and thought I had won some award for highest test average in 2nd period algebra but then I noticed the pizza wasn't from Little Caesar's and we had moved on to discussing health insurance.

Mar 11, 2008

Lily Tomlin found this 1943 Guide to Hiring Women that's a pretty good read. It's all about picking efficient women and ensuring they're not cantankerous, complaining, time-wasters. If only men still believed we would spray blood from our periods all over workplace machinery and worried about providing us with proper fitting uniforms to keep us happy.

Mar 6, 2008

turns out i am not going to jail after all.

Feb 28, 2008

sometimes i wish i could just lay around in bed all day with a wet washrag on my face and the price is right playing in the background.

Feb 27, 2008

Hey, man! I've been saving you this seat! yeah, you told everyone they couldn't sit next to you because your friend weighs like 1200lbs and the flight attendant said you could save seats even though this is southwest and we all know that's a lie. oh my god, your seat is reclining all on its own into my lap. ohmygodohmygodohmygod i can actually see oil dripping down your hairline. please don't turn around and sexually harass me.

So how you been man? i'm assuming you've both been doing pretty good since you're wearing enormous hooded sweatshirts featuring the respective cities you are each either from or recently visited and you're using a lot of bad grammar in your conversations.

Did you see my new diamond ring man? It's for being in the million dollar club. You'll get one someday man. The stewardess lady was asking me all about it. Chicks love the rings man. Tell them you're a poker player, they eat it up. So you've got a blue one so that means you're at the $250,000 level. Well then you'll get a red one for $500,000. What man? Yeah, that's hilarious! That'd be so awesome. Maybe I should wear them all at once like the American flag and be all "Yo yo, yo, I'm a rapper man!" that would be hilarious. i especially like the beat boxing you just did there. it was really appropriate.

You know, I just feel so blessed to be at this point in my life you know man? Now I'm going to tell you a story that not many people know. I was a big coke addict in the 80's. I mean, I had the hot car, the hot ladies, everything. Well, long story short, I got mixed up in some crazy shit in L.A. and had a police chase and the FBI was after me and they wrote a movie about it but anyway it was some crazy shit right? Well, I decided I had too much to lose and I turned my life around, got out of L.A., you know, all that stuff. I mean, my grandfather was Spanish and didn't want to fight in Franco's army because he didn't believe in war, you know? So he ran away. And he met my grandmother when he was hiding in France. Antonio Banderas and Gloria Estefan are going to help me find out all the information and make a movie about it but anyway so my grandfather was hiding in France and met my grandmother. And he had to fight her parents for her hand in marriage because she was from this real rich, real famous family right? But anyway, they got married and snuck away to America. So like I have like family in France that were royalty and there's a bunch of stuff in museums that was in my family right? So basically my grandparents moved here against all the odds and survived so I knew I needed to turn my life around because I was meant to be here, I was meant to do big things. Which is why I'm working on finishing my book and then I'm going to take it on Oprah and all those shows and tell people that they can do anything they want, they can change their lives if they just believe in themselves you know? I'll probably do some commercials and stuff to promote it and make a bunch of money on that too and then donate it. i lost concentration when you started talking about antonio banderas and gloria estefan.

Hey ma'am? Ma'am? Can I get another Jack and Coke? You know what? I got something for you. Do you like to travel? You do? Do you like to make money? You do? How would you like to work from home with your own website and make over $100,000 a year on top of your job right now? He just made $250,000 last year. I made over a million. That's what this diamond ring here means. Let me give you a CD and this pamphlet and you can join me and my friend here on the path to personal freedom. which happens to pass through chlamydiatown.

Feb 20, 2008


me:sergeant dyson needs to be emptied. he is full of carpet and hair.
husband: did you just give the vacuum a military title?
me: yes. because for two weeks he has been standing guard over all the laundry that is laying on the floor.
husband: when you wake up in the morning does he say, "reporting for duty, sir"?
me: he doesn't talk, he just guards the laundry.
Somehow I am listed on the Michigan Technological University's Volcanoes Page. I appreciate volcanology as much as the next person, but I'm not sure how I became associated with this organization. I most likely did something in college to warrant this, like that D+ I got in geology. In any case, the site links to some new volcano and earth sciences jokes, in case you've worn out all your old ones.