Feb 28, 2008

sometimes i wish i could just lay around in bed all day with a wet washrag on my face and the price is right playing in the background.

Feb 27, 2008

Hey, man! I've been saving you this seat! yeah, you told everyone they couldn't sit next to you because your friend weighs like 1200lbs and the flight attendant said you could save seats even though this is southwest and we all know that's a lie. oh my god, your seat is reclining all on its own into my lap. ohmygodohmygodohmygod i can actually see oil dripping down your hairline. please don't turn around and sexually harass me.

So how you been man? i'm assuming you've both been doing pretty good since you're wearing enormous hooded sweatshirts featuring the respective cities you are each either from or recently visited and you're using a lot of bad grammar in your conversations.

Did you see my new diamond ring man? It's for being in the million dollar club. You'll get one someday man. The stewardess lady was asking me all about it. Chicks love the rings man. Tell them you're a poker player, they eat it up. So you've got a blue one so that means you're at the $250,000 level. Well then you'll get a red one for $500,000. What man? Yeah, that's hilarious! That'd be so awesome. Maybe I should wear them all at once like the American flag and be all "Yo yo, yo, I'm a rapper man!" that would be hilarious. i especially like the beat boxing you just did there. it was really appropriate.

You know, I just feel so blessed to be at this point in my life you know man? Now I'm going to tell you a story that not many people know. I was a big coke addict in the 80's. I mean, I had the hot car, the hot ladies, everything. Well, long story short, I got mixed up in some crazy shit in L.A. and had a police chase and the FBI was after me and they wrote a movie about it but anyway it was some crazy shit right? Well, I decided I had too much to lose and I turned my life around, got out of L.A., you know, all that stuff. I mean, my grandfather was Spanish and didn't want to fight in Franco's army because he didn't believe in war, you know? So he ran away. And he met my grandmother when he was hiding in France. Antonio Banderas and Gloria Estefan are going to help me find out all the information and make a movie about it but anyway so my grandfather was hiding in France and met my grandmother. And he had to fight her parents for her hand in marriage because she was from this real rich, real famous family right? But anyway, they got married and snuck away to America. So like I have like family in France that were royalty and there's a bunch of stuff in museums that was in my family right? So basically my grandparents moved here against all the odds and survived so I knew I needed to turn my life around because I was meant to be here, I was meant to do big things. Which is why I'm working on finishing my book and then I'm going to take it on Oprah and all those shows and tell people that they can do anything they want, they can change their lives if they just believe in themselves you know? I'll probably do some commercials and stuff to promote it and make a bunch of money on that too and then donate it. i lost concentration when you started talking about antonio banderas and gloria estefan.

Hey ma'am? Ma'am? Can I get another Jack and Coke? You know what? I got something for you. Do you like to travel? You do? Do you like to make money? You do? How would you like to work from home with your own website and make over $100,000 a year on top of your job right now? He just made $250,000 last year. I made over a million. That's what this diamond ring here means. Let me give you a CD and this pamphlet and you can join me and my friend here on the path to personal freedom. which happens to pass through chlamydiatown.

Feb 20, 2008

me:sergeant dyson needs to be emptied. he is full of carpet and hair.
husband: did you just give the vacuum a military title?
me: yes. because for two weeks he has been standing guard over all the laundry that is laying on the floor.
husband: when you wake up in the morning does he say, "reporting for duty, sir"?
me: he doesn't talk, he just guards the laundry.
Somehow I am listed on the Michigan Technological University's Volcanoes Page. I appreciate volcanology as much as the next person, but I'm not sure how I became associated with this organization. I most likely did something in college to warrant this, like that D+ I got in geology. In any case, the site links to some new volcano and earth sciences jokes, in case you've worn out all your old ones.