Oct 16, 2008


VH1's The Pick-up Artist

I have so many things to say and so many questions to ask about Mystery as a human being and how he goes about his day and does he put his Hot Topic-for-Adults-Pants on one pleathered leg at a time, etc. I don't even know where to begin. I guess a list of rambling thoughts will suffice.

1. The one good thing I can say about this show is that it does seem to somehow instill self confidence in dudes that for whatever reasons strike out with the ladies and place trust in a former magician who dresses like... a former magician.

2. It's amazing what a good haircut can do for self esteem, not to mention upgrading your men's stonewashed Lee jeans from 1997.

3. I highly question the quality of a woman who will respond to flattery and close-talking from men who introduce themselves seriously as Matador and Mystery.

4. Are there really women out there who find dudes with flat-ironed hair, hemp chokers, goggles, feathered hats and eyeliner stylish and attractive? Oh, are they eastern European? What am I missing?

5. Listening to Mystery talk is like being in a really dull organizational consulting class. If he says "two set" and "multiple threading" one more time I'm going to start cutting myself.

6. The foundation of the program appears to be that women are the stronger, more dominant sex who will only pay attention to a man if tricked or worn down by strategic conversation tactics and staged physical advances thinly disguised as shitty pick-up lines and personal space-violating body caresses.

7. If a man comes up to you in a bar and looks like he blow-dried his hair with a round brush and shopped at Forever 21 for his men's faux-fur vest then you are probably hanging out at the wrong place to meet dudes. Unless that man is gay in which case you are probably at a really fun bar dancing your life away.

8. I don't know what it's like to date outside of college but this show makes me nervous that it's all ball bearings and bad eyebrow piercings and being on hidden camera while a guy has been told to do a magic trick to distract you while he rubs one out against your leg these days.

9. SERIOUSLY THE TICKLER FACIAL HAIR AND EYEBROW PIERCINGS HAVE GOT TO GO THIS IS NOT THE 90'S.

10. How come none of the girl-meeting strategy outlines approaching women in college libraries or while working on a Habitat for Humanity project? Is it because you can't trick a woman in a well-lit area where booze is not involved? Is it because you can't wear leather pants? I don't know the rules.

11. Never trust a person who points and/or makes peace signs in photos unironically.


THERMOSPA
What in the hell is this all about. And have you seen a more ridiculous commercial. All my questions related to this product are so baffling they have become statements. I hate this commercial more than The Gold Kit. I would be more apt to send my numerous gold teeth and collection of high school class rings in an inter-office mailer to New Jersey than invest in one of these. First of all, the commercial has, like, a John Williams score. And the ThermoSpa has a DVD and a 48-page brochure. What takes 48 pages? It's a hot tub. It has water and you sit in it and sometimes you turn up the heat and release the bubbles. In the ThermoSpa's Spa Trainer, you can seat twelve people comfortably. According to the commercial, all these people will need to wear matching black bathing suits. And sometimes there will be just three people in the spa with one person swimming olympic training-style against the current and two others kickin' it in the back not looking at all awkward about sharing a spa while someone is trying to work out. Probably because they are all going to have a giant orgy when the work out is over in their enormous twelve-person ThermoSpa. You can also have the ThermoSpa displayed in the front yard of your Georgian mansion. According to the commercial, it will be delivered fully assembled by an 18-wheeler, ready for use so you can drink mint juleps and spy on the neighbors in the comfort of your own twelve-person front yard hot tub.You can also watch movies on a flat screen television from the comfort of your custom ThermoSpa. According to the commercials, these shows should only feature children running on a beach or holding hands in a circle. You should plant flowers around your ThermoSpa to maximize relaxation.If you act now, you will receive not only a DVD and 48-page brochure but free delivery and chemicals and a $400 coupon. A coupon for what. I don't know. Black bathing suits maybe.