Nov 24, 2008


Courtesy of, some old DBS posts:

Are tapered jeans meant for people with tapered legs? Because how awful, you know, to actually have tapered legs. To actually know your legs are, in a sense, "fasionably unacceptable."

I love you, Jonny Lang. You would never bring enchiladas into the movie theater. That's because love would have come to town.

For the second time, someone has urinated in the elevator. Inexplicably, this time, it smells faintly like analgesic.

I just found a bug on my expensive organic grapes. Why is my life infested with bugs and flatulence?

What Sylvia The Maid Relayed To Me Last Night In A Drunken Long-Distance Phone Call From New Mexico
I am old. I'm a pro. Don't be fooled by my pancake kabuki makeup and false eyelashes out to there. My beehive wig is teased and on straight. It's glued on in some spots. When the light hits it just right, you can see straight through it and my whole head looks illuminated, just like a Bible portrait. My best friend works at a drugstore and taught me how to do my makeup. It stays on all day through Murphy's oil applications and Windex spurting. My eyebrows are drawn on in thin onyx arches. My rouge is applied on the apples of my cheeks and blended up into my hairline. My lipstick is Argentine Tangerine but the secret is all in the lip liner.

My feet have no corns or bunions. I soup them up with corn husk oil and vaseline each night and seal it all in with thick cotton tube socks. Sylvia the Maid is proud of her figure, she is. She is! You think Sylvia the Maid has it easy. You think Sylvia doesn't have to work to keep her figure but she does. She does! When I restock the kitchen pantry I do repititions with the soup cans. I fully extend my arms when I reach to vacuum. I can make an entire floor of double bedded motel room beds while posing in a deep squat position. I can! You don't even know all the things I can do! Oops, I just threw up a little green sauce.

Sylvia the Maid goes to the Renaissance Faire
Sylvia the Maid went to the Renaissance Faire this weekend. She sort of liked it because it reminded her of the first time she went to Disneyland and she was all google-eyed at the themey set-ups and sort of disappointed the Hall of Presidents wasn't around but it was good they at least still had the Tiki Room. Sylvia didn't like the corporate sponsorship of Delta Airlines and Chase Bank at the Renaissance Fair but at least there were turkey legs and jousting and a village lout laying splayed out on the ground just banging a wooden spoon on a tin pot. Sylvia wondered if she had majored in theater in college if she, too, would have had an 87% chance of ending up performing on the Renaissance Fair circuit and been instead called Sylvia the Juggling Storyteller That Mostly Makes Jokes About Boobs, but as Sylvia the Maid had only a partial certificate of completion from Selena Cisneros' Beauty College (she failed her final exam in the Ogilve home perm), Sylvia had an 87% chance of becoming Sylvia the Maid. And so she did.

Sylvia was so tuckered out from her day at the Renaissance Fair and seeing Bea Arthur's one-woman show that same evening that she slept until noon the next day and rolled out of bed, only to fall asleep again outside in the sun in an old recliner. In an attempt to complete a certificate in Speed Reading: The Timeless Art of Scanning with Accuracy and Comprehension, Sylvia read The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green and What's Eating Gilbert Grape? in two days and marked them on her speed reading worksheet. I know! Sylvia the Maid didn't know the Gilbert Grape movie had been adapted from a novel either!

All in all, Sylvia the Maid had a decent weekend. She did start reading Sade's Justine last night and realized it would be too complicated to apply to her speed reading certification and also she was afraid of having dreams (again) about abuse and sadism (obviously) and the underbelly of French life in the 1700's, so she set it aside and read Help! I'm a prisoner in the library! instead.

Today, Sylvia the Maid is hard at work at a Best Western, Febreezing the smell of semen from never-washed comforters and dusting framed posters of tropical birds in leafy trees with pastel flowers.

Further re-affirming that I am now too old for activities like jogging long distances, operating a cell phone and eating spicy foods (OHMYGOD THE ANGINA), we purchased a Wii last night and I have already severely injured myself just trying to open up the packaging. And so while I was Googling "old people hilarious misadventures in bathrobes Wii," I discovered this entire subculture of exploitation clips and photos of elderly folks using a Wii in what they believe to be the safe, nurturing environs of their assisted living facilities or homes of their loved ones. It's usually their beloved grandkids setting them up for the HAHAs that only YouTube can provide and which I have lovingly embedded for you here:

Nov 20, 2008

Today I expressed my feelings for the office pre-holiday potluck via a Hormel salami platter. Fact O' the Day: Algona, Iowa is home to the Hormel pepperoni production facility, thereby christening Algona 'the pepperoni capital of the world.'

Nov 13, 2008

Hey, to all the high school kids breaking in to neighborhood cars:


Nov 7, 2008

Live blogging my Friday night (sad)

Well because it's Friday night I am sitting alone watching Flo and Kay: Twin Savants on Discovery Health Channel and now I am HOLY SHIT THIS PREGNANT MAN IS PUSHING A BABY OUT HIS VAGINA.

Popeyes Louisiana Big Easy Chicken Bowl looks like someone diarrhead in the toilet while eating chicken strips and turned around to take a look and dropped the chicken strips in the toilet and then was like, "I know what would make this more appealing some grated cheese I'll go get some."

Every VH-1 commercial has someone that submitted a name for our ham party.

Hey, Lee Jeans, I was not aware that you had a problem with your jeans flashing buttcrack because I didn't think that was possible with an above belly-button elastic waistband.

Is it just me or is the man in the Time Shares Only commercial wearing an oversized stonewashed Costco jean jacket with a popped collar?

I think I'm going to start using the phrase "caca fiesta" more. Thanks, Dlisted.

Lady, if you slammed those Ikea cabinet doors that hard in real life, the whole damn cabinet would shift into a parallelogram and fall to the floor.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra has lasers at their shows? WELL COUNT ME IN.

Wow, The Sexiest Bachelor in America Pageant is on. That man is walking the stage in Tevas. This must be the bathing suit portion. That man's trunks look like a popcorn box. My God, are they all wearing Tevas? How did Crocs miss out on this sponsorship? Hey, that guy cheated, he's wearing underpants. There are a lot of single firefighters out there. Roshumba, way to parlay that SI Swimsuit career into a reality show judging gig. Hey, look at that, a man who doesn't shave his chest. Did someone give Oprah's entire audience free tickets to this? I can't wait for the choreographed dance interludes. Oh wait, the five finalists are getting announced. This looks like Top Gun's volleyball scene auditions. WHAT THERE IS AN EVENING WEAR PORTION AND AUDIENCE MEMBERS GET TO DANCE WITH THE FINALISTS THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

My Bare Lady 2 I am definitetly going to DVR that how did I miss season 1?

Ok back to the man pageant. Geez, someone give these audience members some penis, stat. So let me get this straight, the guys get interviewed and then they just call someone up from the audience to slow dance to bad canned jazz and then they get graded by the judges? WHAT THEY ARE MIC'D UP? That audience lady just told him he smelled good while they were dancing I don't want to hear this mic business like all HEY MY PENIS IS GETTING EXCITED SINCE YOU'RE WEARING THAT CRUSHED VELVET CHARLOTTE ROUSSE DRESS TELL ME HOW GOOD I SMELL AGAIN. I bet these guys all smell like Drakkar. Popcorn pants was a VP with the Boyscouts? I think they have rules against participating in this kind of stuff. POPCORN PANTS IS SINGING WHILE SLOW DANCING?? "IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU GIRL YOU LOOK SO NICE YOU ARE SO FINE TO ME WILL YOU PLEASE BE MIIIINE" Jesus Christ. Heeeey, Mr. Arizona, lookin' good. Oh phew, this show is from 2000 which explains all the Tevas and tube tops and chunky heeled shoes. Man, it's like cotillion for adults but somehow more awkward.

I'll have the extra tight pants combo too.

ExtenZe. Way to class up genital medicine, medical marketers.

Congratulations, Tom Gill, Mr. Virginia, winner of the man pageant except that part about how your dream proposal would take place at a high school basketball game where you are a sports announcer how about you never do that.

Ok, one of us needs to step away from the tv. I guess I'll go first.
I have a treasure chest of childhood movies that I could probably still watch and enjoy today. Revisiting the list, there are an alarming number of movies with Fred Savage. For instance:

The Boy Who Could Fly: An emotional movie where a mentally challenged boy flies around the neighborhood. Fred Savage is the little brother of the girl in love with the mentally challenged flying boy.

Little Monsters: Howie Mandel is a blue monster who wears a denim jacket and traumatizes children while they are sleeping. Fred Savage is Howie's best friend and his girlfriend enjoys photosynthesis.

Vice Versa: Judge Reinhold gets Freaky Friday-d with his son (Fred Savage). The movie ends with "Set the Night to Music" by Starship for no explainable reason.

Flight of the Navigator: A young boy gets abducted by a spaceship with Pee Wee Herman as his navigator and Sarah Jessica Parker works for NASA. Fred Savage does not appear in this movie.

The Neverending Story:
A boy with a bowl cut rides a dog-dragon and befriends a little Native American boy with anger issues. Fred Savage is nowhere to be found.

D.A.R.Y.L.: A robotic boy gets adopted by a family with a son named Turtle and later escapes a government facility by flying a fighter jet. Fred Savage cried when he saw this movie.

So Fred Savage is now directing It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and is clearly on the up and up. But what about my beloved first crushes of these other movies? According to Wikipedia, I have gathered these facts:

Barrett Oliver (Neverending Story/D.A.R.Y.L.): "...was one of the 10 featured emerging photographers in the 2007 Silverstein Photography Annual."

Noah Hathaway (Neverending Story): "Noah Hathaway has been active in sports all his life. He also played basketball, lifted weights, ran on treadmills and raced motorcycles. Hathaway left acting in the mid-1980s and moved into dance instruction, teaching advanced jazz and street dance until an injury forced him to quit in 1989 at eighteen."

Joey Cramer (Flight of the Navigator): And this is where it gets interesting because I found this gem composed by Bex Schwartz:

"Flight of the Navigator" (to the tune of "Love in an Elevator")
Walkin' through the woods with my brother (whoa)
Fell into a fuckin' ditch (oh yeah)
A flyin' saucer scooped me up, man (whoa)
It's gonna be a fuckin' bitch (oh yeah)

But where we gonna go?
Phaelon, in outerspace!
Then we'll come back 8 years later and
They'll stick us in that NASA place

Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I ain't goin' down
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I been flyin' round

Sarah Jessica's my intern (whoa)
RALF is gonna set me free (whoa yeah)
Max is finally gonna learn now
The Navigator -- he is me!

But where did Joey go?
Where's the Navigator now?
I really want to know!
So come on, Joey -- take your bow!

Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I ain't goin' down
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I been flyin' round

In the air, in the air, honey one more time
Now it ain't fair
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I'll be flyin' round