sometimes i can't get off the phone with my husband because he won't stop doing wanda sykes impersonations.

i just took a personality test, sort of akin to the expensive myers briggs one i took in college that pretty much told me i was in the wrong major and probably at the wrong college. turns out, i was an enfp back then and i have changed and am now an entp. which i think means i care less about people now than i did back then. fellow entp fictional persons (according to the website i used which i deemed accredited due to lack of pop-ups)include:
shirley feeney
bugs bunny
mercutio
horace rumpole
garfield

tomorrow we are going to the renaissance faire, old navy, a kickball tournament and then a dinner of over-sized portions of steak and creamed corn. i love you, america.

I was doing some research on Danity Kane because really, what is that name all about, and came across this picture. Even though they all look like contestants on Rock of Love (I should probably just admit that show is all I think about thesedays) they're the kind of girls that make me feel like I apply makeup like a 12 year old. And have you ever seen so many hair extensions on one person? And how long has Kate Moss been in the group?

We had a pizza party at lunch today followed by a 20 minute Power Point presentation on how to use the new postage machine. There was a flow chart of the thought process you're supposed to take as you consider whether or not you should use a size 10 envelope or a size 9 or a flat envelope of perhaps a larger size. And there were some surface area equations. Did you know envelopes have girth? At one point I got completely disoriented and thought I had won some award for highest test average in 2nd period algebra but then I noticed the pizza wasn't from Little Caesar's and we had moved on to discussing health insurance.

Lily Tomlin found this 1943 Guide to Hiring Women that's a pretty good read. It's all about picking efficient women and ensuring they're not cantankerous, complaining, time-wasters. If only men still believed we would spray blood from our periods all over workplace machinery and worried about providing us with proper fitting uniforms to keep us happy.

turns out i am not going to jail after all.

I really love Chloe's new clothing line. Not exactly because I'd wear it everyday but mostly because it's comprised of every outfit component that I felt ownership of would make me popular in the early 90's of middle school a.k.a. The 90210 Years. And what outfits I did have that closely resemble pieces in her line, I still have, thanks to the ratpackiness of DBS2 who saved all of those articles of fashion in hopes that by the time she got to 7th grade they would still be in style, which they weren't, so she kept them still in the way back recesses of her closet where our mom wouldn't find them and chastize her for keeping them before donating them to the paralyzed veterans for pick up. FLORAL PATTERNED DENIM, EVERYONE.

I'm confused about children. Sometimes they seem like a lot of fun because they are amusing and love you unconditionally while they are small. But then I hear about all the times with explosive diarrhea and how a shield had to be constructed out of a shoebox and a sunvisor to change a diaper and I want to rock myself in a corner until I find my happy place.

Sometimes I fantasize that it might be fun to take on the challenge of making my child acutely self-aware at the earliest age possible to make things easier, like, make them less embarassing or embarassed for themselves later on. I realize there are certain cognitive restrictions that will most definitely prevent this but it's still my dream. I'd like to put one kid into the world that doesn't act like a total moron all the time.

I think about saying things like, "You are acting like an idiot. I know you're 12 and you think you're an adult but people are making fun of you. They're called 8th graders. And you know who's making fun of those kids? 11th and 12th graders. And you know who's making fun of those guys? College kids. And you know who's making fun of them? Everyone else. So basically you are at the bottom of the ridiculous chain which means you are the worst. So just think about that everytime you open your mouth or dress yourself or hang out at the mall and start running around like a moron, squealing at the top of your lungs."

I am a terrible person.