QUICK SOMEBODY BUY ME THE TIME LIFE COUNTRY ROMANCE COLLECTION

People are stealing penises in Africa. Doesn't that continent have enough to deal with already?

Somebody please give Chloe Lattanzi a duet with Amy Lee so they can just make a James Bond movie theme song and get it over with.

I want to have Peter Andre and Katie Price over for cocktails so we can talk about self tanner and play that Newlywed game my mom bought us on DVD that we only did once because it says things like "making whoopie" and we were all making who? Whoopie Goldberg? Jumping Jack Flash or Sister Act? Or with Ted Danson in blackface? WHAT???

MTV, this is what you need more of:

True Life: Especially featuring insane cheerleaders and people from New Jersey with showbiz aspirations. I like it when people are angrily driving in their cars which is all the time. And that girl who goes to church in boxer shorts.

Engaged and Underage: I love watching high school kids get married for sex because God would smite their genitals otherwise. And then living in their in-laws' backyards and having no job skills.

Rob & Big: I admit it took me a while to get into this show and now the theme song makes me all emotional just like Cheers. And also that episode with the cereal box and the one with the magic show.

My Super Sweet 16: I use zero brain cells to watch this which is a plus and enjoy watching them talk about how hot they are and try on dresses with sequins. It sometimes is good for learning freaky dance moves that your parents will hate and then threaten to shut down your party before they give you a luxury suv.

Made: There is always a good family-eating-dinner scene where someone gets in trouble and everyone says they're too fat/stupid/unpopular to achieve their Made dream. I also like it when they are forced to ask people out on dates when it has really nothing to do with what they want to be Made into.

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH PEREZ NOBODY IS REMAKING TEEN WITCH STARRING ASHLEY TISDALE THAT IS BLASPHEMY.

It only seems fitting that Brad Pitt has a non-famous brother named Doug.

I tried a neti pot today. It's pretty much what I picture drowning in your own mucus to be like.

i wonder what's it like to sign a waiver to have sex on a reality tv show.

She called me a pedophile, but that was like soooo 10 years ago!

Hey Vh-1, I can't keep up with all these new shows you're throwing at me like the one for lady rappers and whatever that one for Spanish soapstar wannabes that I am definitely not going to watch is. I was in the shower watching tv through the glass and it was too far away to tell but is that Foxy Brown? I think I watched her crawl out of a clam shell onstage one time in college. Or was that Lil Kim? Is there a difference? Wait, which one is deaf?

Hey, you from the east side or the west side?
Um, neither.
Where you from?
Arizona.
Yeah, man, I been there. It's way humid, right?
Well, it's the desert so it's hot but it's not humid.
Yeah, I been there with um, Ft. Huachuca. It's real humid there.
Um, yeah, it's pretty hot.
Cool, cool. I just got back here. I had to leave the Army. I got too much aggression and I had to leave. I got into a coma too and I'm doing better. No more drugs and alcohol, you know? That makes you stupid. And life is tough enough. Life is tough if you're stupid.
Yeah, I guess so. Life is just tough in general.
Yeah, I jumped out of planes and shit. I used to talk to those knuckleheads real rough man, real rough. I called 'em knuckleheads, jarheads, but that's Marines man. But yeah, knuckleheads. I got too much aggression. I don't like nobody telling me orders, you know? Like, why you gotta get someone else to do your job? You pissed about something then just do it your own self. Why you gotta yell at someone else to do something, you know?
Yeah, I guess so.
I got an ex-wife. Real pretty but she's living with our three kids somewhere in Culver City. Or North Carolina. With her new boyfriend that went to Iraq because he didn't get kicked out of the Army. She don't want me to know where she lives but I love my kids, man. I love my little girl and I told the boys to protect her, to look out for her. I want to start one of those, whatdoyoucallits, um, where you can like put money in for kids and stuff? I want to do that. But I got to stop buyin' cocaine and weed man. And prostitutes.
Yeah, it's good you realize that though.
Yeah man, I used to box real good. Real tough. You never reach farther than you can punch. Just slide up real close and then BAM! Pretend you're a southpaw and then just BAM! lay one on 'em real hard with your right. I went to Michigan for some college for a while. I was boxing in Jr. Olympics. Now I go to V.A. for remedial math and stuff. Got to be tactical and tough. But I got too much agression. See this business card? It's my friend Rose. She's real good, real good. She works at V.A. They help teach you cooking and how to do laundry and stuff but man, I been cooking since I was little. My parents, they didn't want me and someday I'm going to move to the Phillipines and find them and make them cook for me, you know? I was always cooking rice and fish for them. But I got to stop buying prostitutes and smoking weed. I did Alcoholics Anonymous and that other one, um, narcotics something. My ex-wife, she's real smart and talented, you know? But it's better I'm single. No wife, no kids no nothing.
Yeah, well, maybe you can get your life together and then you can be a good dad later on.
Yeah, I want to protect them. Tyson, he's going to be a boxer someday. But sometimes it's hard and I think about just ending it all. Just buying a gun and all that. But I was in a coma for 5 weeks and had to learn to walk and talk again. And just like Christ, I rose again, you know? Life is tough if you're stupid.
Okay, well, I've gotta go now. Good luck with everything though.
Okay, man.

The Real Housewives of NYC: it is terrible and the people much less L.A. circus attractive but of course I am watching it. Can we please get to the bottom of Alex and Simon and their admitted love of social climbing? They are like leftovers from a Henry James novel who enjoy international travel and the opera because it affords them the chance to mingle with people with titles and expensive shoes who eat sweet meats on tiny forks. Ramona quite possibly has a terrible thyroid problem because her eyes are always about to pop out of her face and if so I feel sorry for her but for godsakes please stop all that terrible dancing in the meantime. Countess LuAnn wears fabulous jackets and has a daughter that chews with her mouth open and how is this possible. Kudos to her for giving her son in-house breakdancing lessons. Bethenny needs to get new topics of conversation other than her independence and father issues and her bald quiet boyfriend because I forsee more drinking and emotional breakdowns over various issues in her future and I won't be able to take it. Jill is the only sane person on this show, much like none of the other characters on the OC version, and therefore I am disappointed in her.

There's a possibility of a Myrtle Beach trip in the coming months and I would like to go but know I'll be real disappointed when it doesn't turn out like Shag the movie.

me: we watched back-to-back episodes of diff'rent strokes yesterday then downloaded the theme song (courtesy of alan thicke) and memorized it.
a man is booorn
he's a man of meaaaans
then along came the twooo
they got nothin' but their jeaaaans!

dbs2: wonder what show will be lucky enough to have robin thicke sing their theme song
girl it's the two of us now
but invite your friend
i'll rub you both down
i don't think you're allowed to view the rest of robin t's lyrics on the internet
at least on your work server

me: i think he's the type of guy that says "sometimes i like to make love to myself while listening to the lyrics of my songs"

Rock the Cradle. I only wish one thing because where is Richard Marx and why doesn't he have a child to participate.

See, here's the issue- you worry about UFOs and I worry about real problems.