Do you want to play with my Bebe Gloton?: 08

Friday

facebook's overheard quotes from the college i went to :

"can you imagine her orgasming??"
"yeaah it'd be so loud!"
"IT'D BE LIKE THE OLD TESTAMENT.. PEOPLE SHAKING IN FEAR"

boy 1: she's thick like ham
boy 2: ham is good... its sweet and juicy
boy 1: naw she's the bad ham... the type of ham thats been sittin out all day

girl1- and then she was like "i woke up with a tube in my vagina"
girl 2- i mean how often does she wake up with something in her vagina, totally not a big deal

person 1: you ever been taking a crap, and like no matter how many times you wipe, you still see shit on the toilet paper? i mean YOU KNOW... its like my shit is a limit that approaches zero, but never reaches it...make sense?

"He's dating a girl that sucks! I would pay zero ransom for her!"

"So if you could only take one thing with you during an emergency evacuation, what would it be? Your Yaz?"

"it's not necessarily that my parents hate i'm gay. they hate that i'm possessed by demons."

"I don't know what to do. I just have to keep telling myself that just because he has a southern accent does not mean he is dumb."

dbs2: yeah
you need at least 4 people to conceive
everyone knows that

me: yes it takes a village

dbs2: village to raise
5 to have it

me: and one to screw in the lightbulb
and 2 to turn the ladder

dbs2: what's a lightbulb?

me: exactly

I am really into using wax paper to wrap various food items. Before the weather blows up around here, it's like my dream to wrap sandwiches and fruit and a slice of cake in wax paper (separately, of course) and place them in a wicker basket with a glass bottle of something carbonated and maybe a thermos with detachable mug for drinking the soup inside and then sit outside on some grass next to a peaceful scene by a lake with perhaps a small child pushing a homemade boat around or flying a kite. I'm really into tactile things and have been craving the experience of unwrapping wax paper in various situations. I also want to pack a briefcase for work with a banana, waxpaper-wrapped sandwich and a newspaper and open it on my lap on a park bench. Maybe the sandwich will be bologna and maybe it will be peanut butter and fluff, I don't know, but surely not ham and cheese. I feel that making either of these two scenarios come to fruition will prove extrememly gratifying for me.

About DBS:

At one time, my sister and I had a blog that distracted her from getting beat up by a fifth grader in the Bronx and distracted me from hearing my boss say to the secretary that he "jacked off with the peach wacky juice in the kitchen." But like all good things that must come to an end because of an insane religious stalker, our blog was retired. All that remains are a few remnants lovingly reprinted here:

I think it's funny that you want to be MADE into a firetruck. I want to be MADE into a budding real estate guru, preternaturally disposed to light flow periods, who makes the top of Diane Rehm's "Guests I Most Want on My Show" shortlist.

Diane Rehm Hosts the Host of all Hosts--the Communion Wafer! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts David Lee Roth! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Eli Whitney and his cotton gin- from the grave! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Eliot Gould! Nobody knows who he is! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Eliot Spitzer- watch the girls go crazy! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Little Bunny Foo Foo! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts The Typical Alpha Male! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Michael Keaton! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Two Michaels- Chabon and Sham on! Tune in.

"Wouldn't it be funny if we had a cartoon for adults and it was about a radio show and the host was a communion wafer? It would be like Frasier, but with a talking sacrilege."

I think I have megalomania. The manic depression obscures this fact.

i baked an incredibly good dessert today. my book will be called: incredibly good--lick it til it falls apart. it will have one phrase per page, which will be accompanied by an illustration.
for instance: "when things get itchy, lick them!" (picture of a kid with chicken pox being licked by a big tongue) "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer--so you can lick them!" (picture of hostages and the german chancellor on postage stamps--both of which are being licked)"hablando del rey de roma, se asoma...y se lame!"(picture of the pope wearing devil horns being licked by a giant llama)

There should be an emergence of realistic children's movies to balance out all of this overproduced escapism so kids can have both ends of the spectrum and maybe appreciate the magic of unicorns and David Bowie a little bit more. Here's a hint of realism for you, Hollywood- how about these film ideas: Mommy Doesn't Live Here Anymore- But I Saw Her Naked In The Tuff Shed With My Best Friend's Dad- The Movie! Picked Last For Kickball- The Movie! Your Mom Isn't A PTA Homeroom Mom So You'll Never Win Any Party Games- The Movie! Don't Tell Mom I Swallowed CamphoPhenique And Liked It- The Movie! My Dad Drives A Minivan And I'm Failing Social Studies For Completely Unrelated Reasons- The Movie!

Two notable films the Academy over(under?)looked
1. Sexual Harrassment: Employee Training Guide
In this hard-hitting documentary, semi-professional actors perform scenes displaying what is, and what is not, sexual harrassment in the white-collar, halogen world of business. Audiences talked for weeks afterward about the Roger/Gloria/balls scene. Roger, sweating through his short-sleeved thin cotton-poly blend shirt, says to Gloria, "How are things going with the Eckerman account?" Gloria, refilling her One Proud Grandma coffee mug, mentions she's pretty busy, as Alan in accounting has asked her to redo the expense report from that trip to Helena, MT, while Peter in PR is hoping she can find time to train the new intern. She sighs and says, "I've got my hands full." Roger listens, lingering near the stirring straws, and just as Gloria leans in for a swizzle stick, hears the following: "Havin' a hard time keepin' all those balls in the air?" Gloria, not sure if this use of the word "balls" in the workplace constitutes sexual harrassment, or if Roger's comment even makes sense, is then frozen in a frame that perfectly captures her consternation- not to mention how it highlights her deft use of lipliner and green eye shadow to bring out the natural contours of her face!

2. Maturation: The film for 4th graders
With an all-American teen brunette starring as Julie, the nine year old, and Renee Zellweger as the patient nurse, this film shines in its attempt to shed light on the familiar mecca to the land of puberty we all must make. A stoic pilgrim on a journey through that wasteland of despair, hopelessness, and foul odors we have come to call maturation, Julie undertakes the cause of becoming a woman with her guide, Nurse Annie (played by Zellweger, who has not exhibited this kind of raw emotional vicissitude since Empire Records). Though other directors have broached the subject of adolescence in films like Stand By Me, My Girl, and Armageddon, none has succeeded in producing such a fine, and educational, trip to the movies.

Friday

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