R.I.P. Templeton.

It took two men slamming you countless times in between a metal filing cabinet and the wall and impaling you numerous times with a metal pole to finally extinguish your indomitable spirit.

OFFICIAL SITE OF RAE DAWN CHONG HAIR

Courtesy of thewaybackmachine.com, some old DBS posts:

Are tapered jeans meant for people with tapered legs? Because how awful, you know, to actually have tapered legs. To actually know your legs are, in a sense, "fasionably unacceptable."

I love you, Jonny Lang. You would never bring enchiladas into the movie theater. That's because love would have come to town.

For the second time, someone has urinated in the elevator. Inexplicably, this time, it smells faintly like analgesic.

I just found a bug on my expensive organic grapes. Why is my life infested with bugs and flatulence?

What Sylvia The Maid Relayed To Me Last Night In A Drunken Long-Distance Phone Call From New Mexico
I am old. I'm a pro. Don't be fooled by my pancake kabuki makeup and false eyelashes out to there. My beehive wig is teased and on straight. It's glued on in some spots. When the light hits it just right, you can see straight through it and my whole head looks illuminated, just like a Bible portrait. My best friend works at a drugstore and taught me how to do my makeup. It stays on all day through Murphy's oil applications and Windex spurting. My eyebrows are drawn on in thin onyx arches. My rouge is applied on the apples of my cheeks and blended up into my hairline. My lipstick is Argentine Tangerine but the secret is all in the lip liner.

My feet have no corns or bunions. I soup them up with corn husk oil and vaseline each night and seal it all in with thick cotton tube socks. Sylvia the Maid is proud of her figure, she is. She is! You think Sylvia the Maid has it easy. You think Sylvia doesn't have to work to keep her figure but she does. She does! When I restock the kitchen pantry I do repititions with the soup cans. I fully extend my arms when I reach to vacuum. I can make an entire floor of double bedded motel room beds while posing in a deep squat position. I can! You don't even know all the things I can do! Oops, I just threw up a little green sauce.

Sylvia the Maid goes to the Renaissance Faire
Sylvia the Maid went to the Renaissance Faire this weekend. She sort of liked it because it reminded her of the first time she went to Disneyland and she was all google-eyed at the themey set-ups and sort of disappointed the Hall of Presidents wasn't around but it was good they at least still had the Tiki Room. Sylvia didn't like the corporate sponsorship of Delta Airlines and Chase Bank at the Renaissance Fair but at least there were turkey legs and jousting and a village lout laying splayed out on the ground just banging a wooden spoon on a tin pot. Sylvia wondered if she had majored in theater in college if she, too, would have had an 87% chance of ending up performing on the Renaissance Fair circuit and been instead called Sylvia the Juggling Storyteller That Mostly Makes Jokes About Boobs, but as Sylvia the Maid had only a partial certificate of completion from Selena Cisneros' Beauty College (she failed her final exam in the Ogilve home perm), Sylvia had an 87% chance of becoming Sylvia the Maid. And so she did.

Sylvia was so tuckered out from her day at the Renaissance Fair and seeing Bea Arthur's one-woman show that same evening that she slept until noon the next day and rolled out of bed, only to fall asleep again outside in the sun in an old recliner. In an attempt to complete a certificate in Speed Reading: The Timeless Art of Scanning with Accuracy and Comprehension, Sylvia read The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green and What's Eating Gilbert Grape? in two days and marked them on her speed reading worksheet. I know! Sylvia the Maid didn't know the Gilbert Grape movie had been adapted from a novel either!

All in all, Sylvia the Maid had a decent weekend. She did start reading Sade's Justine last night and realized it would be too complicated to apply to her speed reading certification and also she was afraid of having dreams (again) about abuse and sadism (obviously) and the underbelly of French life in the 1700's, so she set it aside and read Help! I'm a prisoner in the library! instead.

Today, Sylvia the Maid is hard at work at a Best Western, Febreezing the smell of semen from never-washed comforters and dusting framed posters of tropical birds in leafy trees with pastel flowers.

Further re-affirming that I am now too old for activities like jogging long distances, operating a cell phone and eating spicy foods (OHMYGOD THE ANGINA), we purchased a Wii last night and I have already severely injured myself just trying to open up the packaging. And so while I was Googling "old people hilarious misadventures in bathrobes Wii," I discovered this entire subculture of exploitation clips and photos of elderly folks using a Wii in what they believe to be the safe, nurturing environs of their assisted living facilities or homes of their loved ones. It's usually their beloved grandkids setting them up for the HAHAs that only YouTube can provide and which I have lovingly embedded for you here:

Today I expressed my feelings for the office pre-holiday potluck via a Hormel salami platter. Fact O' the Day: Algona, Iowa is home to the Hormel pepperoni production facility, thereby christening Algona 'the pepperoni capital of the world.'

Stuff I Would Hide In My Beehive (Besides Drugs) If I Were Amy Winehouse:

My dignity
Various tubes of lipstick
Missing teeth
Facial scabs
Pants
Bacon
Okay, probably more drugs

WOW. I am probably going to never watch TV until next January if this is what I have to deal with. I mean, all of these people are terrible with the exception of, like, two. Who are you trying to appeal to with this garbage, GAP? And the dancing, OMG THE DANCING. Selma Blair, thanks for confirming that not only are you a terrible actress, you are also a terrible dancer. And hey, Jason Biggs, thanks for taking the time out of your not-busy-schedule to make a cameo in a GAP ad.

GAP ads, you are a formidable enemy. Let's take a look back at all of the crapulous commercials you have produced to get people to buy more of your poorly made clothing (which we all know is just the stuff that didn't fall apart on the truck up from Mexico- that other crap you leave for Old Navy, like my personal favorite "One-Time-Use Jeans" that are sold in a Kleenex box).

Piece of crap #1: The Khaki Swing Commercial
This terrible ad operates under the assumption that everyone in 1998 was preoccupied with finding a unisex pair of pants for swing dancing. And maybe that was true, I don't know. I was a sophomore in college at that point and couldn't be bothered to wake up before 1pm to even put on a pair of pants. I do believe that this commercial also signals the genesis of the late 90's early 2000's ubiquitous use of The Matrix-style bullet-time effect, and had they incorporated Keanu Reeves as Neo swing dancing in a pair of pleated khakis and a trench coat, I'm not even sure if that would have made the commercial better or worse. Grade: F

Piece of crap #2: Get Into the Groove Commercial featuring Missy Elliot and Madonna
What a piece of shit, GAP. I'm sure Madonna hasn't worn a pair of GAP jeans since the lean years making Who's That Girl?. Do you only allow performers that have completely sold out to corporate america to appear in your commercials? I thought so. Grade: F

Piece of crap #3: Audrey Hepburn Commercial
OMG, GAP! THIS WOMAN ISN'T EVEN ALIVE! Way to cheap it up with the Electric Company-style special effects and include an even crappier song than I thought possible because there's nothing that makes me want to buy skinny black jeans more than a dead woman dressed as a street mime dancing to AC/DC. Grade: F

Piece of crap #4: The Boyfriend Trouser Commercial featuring Claire Danes and Patrick Wilson
Dear GAP,
In the future, I challenge you to find two less culturally relevant performers to exploit.
Sincerely,
Francine
PS: And when you do, I challenge you to create another commercial where one of them is not even wearing pants for at least 85% of the commercial.
Grade: F

Piece of crap #5: The Mellow Yellow Commercial
This commercial looks like GAP assembled all the rejects from the CK1 auditions and told them not to hide their feelings about having to wear clogs and turtlenecks and sing Mellow Yellow while their peers are doing heroin in the next soundstage and don't even have to zip up their pants. Grade: F

Piece of crap #6: The Gap Love Train Commercial
The one way you can make a commercial more terrible and awkward is by forcing your models to both lipsynch and dance. Congratulations, GAP, for covering all of these bases. Wait, is that Rashida Jones? Damnit, GAP. Is there anything you touch that doesn't ruin all of my hopes and dreams? Grade: F

Piece of crap #7: Everybody in Uniform Commercial
Wait, what in the... This isn't even a real GAP commercial! It's a bunch of kids from their high school choir that decided to put this together. And it doesn't seem like they made it ironically which actually makes me like it a little somehow. Not much, but at least more than this commercial which apparently the wardrobe department over at Gossip Girl watched prior to designing the weekly uniform for the character of deadbeat dad Rufus Humphrey.

Geez, GAP. I'm not going to live long enough to discuss just how craptacular all of your commercials are. I mean, I haven't even gotten to address the Sarah Jessica Parker/Lenny Kravitz duet or Spike Jonez's commercial that starts out fairly satisfying until you realize it's still a GAP commercial.

GAP, if there was a Crappytown, you would be the Mayor.

As of 9AM this morning, I am the proud owner of a PedEgg- NEW! With stainless steel microblades so gentle you can use it on a balloon AND saw through rebar! I have a real problem with As Seen on TV products as in I have a real problem fully beliving in their utilitarian value and needing immediately to purchase them before I start bemoaning my life without a ShamWow (holds 21 times its weight in liquid!) or Slanket (the sleeved blanket you can read in)!

Currently, I own Ginsu knives (they are terrible and will NOT cut through tin cans or nails trust me on this), The Clapper (cut the lights with a burp or a fart!), and a Finishing Touch (cordless hair removal tool allows you to shave off your eyebrows or trim your bikini line on-the-go in your car or on various modes of public transportation!).

Some more products I feel I need based soley upon product image (and also because I just like the name Big City Slider Station):
You can't tell but this impalement structure can also make bacon.

The excitement of both pump action AND burp action!

All the Chubby Checker your heart desires- NOW WITH MORE SWEATING AND SHOUTING.

Because this is exactly how burgers in the big city are made.

Designed by Dr. Emmett Brown.

Hey, to all the high school kids breaking in to neighborhood cars:

GET A REAL JOB AND BUY YOUR DRUGS LIKE AN ADULT.

Thanks, Kaeleigh, for reminding me why I've been sobbing in the shower fully dressed and alone with just a squeegee and an old bottle of Pert Plus for the past two weeks since I had sort of forgotten it was because our grace period of 457 free movie channels ended abruptly in the middle of all the shows I was just getting in to and movies I was trying to watch as many times as possible (Hi, there, Santa Clause 2!)

But this is why I need my HBO back:

I think I like starring in True Blood. I mean, two weeks ago the writers tried to make me seduce Dean the man-dog while Bill was off to vampire jail but other than that the show is really coming together. Maybe not the part where Jason trips on V with Janis Ian from Mean Girls in the worst green screen setup of all time except maybe for that part in Troll with Julia Louis-Dreyfus in 1986. And maybe not the part about Sam Merlotte morphing into an effiminate looking Collie. Because I'll admit that whoever came up with that jazz needs to just pack it up and head on over to the writing room at Yes, Dear. But the rest of it, like all the parts with Lafayette talking sass and when Jason has his shirt off sexing some girl before she's about to get murdered and anytime Bill Compton is in the frame are pretty good.

(Sookie and Bill at Senior Prom)

Live blogging my Friday night (sad)

Well because it's Friday night I am sitting alone watching Flo and Kay: Twin Savants on Discovery Health Channel and now I am HOLY SHIT THIS PREGNANT MAN IS PUSHING A BABY OUT HIS VAGINA.

Popeyes' Louisiana Big Easy Chicken Bowl looks like someone diarrhead in the toilet while eating chicken strips and turned around to take a look and dropped the chicken strips in the toilet and then was like, "I know what would make this more appealing some grated cheese I'll go get some."

Every VH-1 commercial has someone that submitted a name for our ham party.

Hey, Lee Jeans, I was not aware that you had a problem with your jeans flashing buttcrack because I didn't think that was possible with an above belly-button elastic waistband.

Is it just me or is the man in the Time Shares Only commercial wearing an oversized stonewashed Costco jean jacket with a popped collar?

I think I'm going to start using the phrase "caca fiesta" more. Thanks, Dlisted.

Lady, if you slammed those Ikea cabinet doors that hard in real life, the whole damn cabinet would shift into a parallelogram and fall to the floor.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra has lasers at their shows? WELL COUNT ME IN.

Wow, The Sexiest Bachelor in America Pageant is on. That man is walking the stage in Tevas. This must be the bathing suit portion. That man's trunks look like a popcorn box. My God, are they all wearing Tevas? How did Crocs miss out on this sponsorship? Hey, that guy cheated, he's wearing underpants. There are a lot of single firefighters out there. Roshumba, way to parlay that SI Swimsuit career into a reality show judging gig. Hey, look at that, a man who doesn't shave his chest. Did someone give Oprah's entire audience free tickets to this? I can't wait for the choreographed dance interludes. Oh wait, the five finalists are getting announced. This looks like Top Gun's volleyball scene auditions. WHAT THERE IS AN EVENING WEAR PORTION AND AUDIENCE MEMBERS GET TO DANCE WITH THE FINALISTS THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

My Bare Lady 2 I am definietly going to DVR that how did I miss season 1?

Ok back to the man pageant. Geez, someone give these audience members some penis, stat. So let me get this straight, the guys get interviewed and then they just call someone up from the audience to slow dance to bad canned jazz and then they get graded by the judges? WHAT THEY ARE MIC'D UP? That audience lady just told him he smelled good while they were dancing I don't want to hear this mic business like all HEY MY PENIS IS GETTING EXCITED SINCE YOU'RE WEARING THAT CRUSHED VELVET CHARLOTTE ROUSSE DRESS TELL ME HOW GOOD I SMELL AGAIN. I bet these guys all smell like Drakkar. Popcorn pants was a VP with the Boyscouts? I think they have rules against participating in this kind of stuff. POPCORN PANTS IS SINGING WHILE SLOW DANCING?? "IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU GIRL YOU LOOK SO NICE YOU ARE SO FINE TO ME WILL YOU PLEASE BE MIIIINE" Jesus Christ. Heeeey, Mr. Arizona, lookin' good. Oh phew, this show is from 2000 which explains all the Tevas and tube tops and chunky heeled shoes. Man, it's like cotillion for adults but somehow more awkward.

I'll have the extra tight pants combo too.

ExtenZe. Way to class up genital medicine, medical marketers.

Congratulations, Tom Gill, Mr. Virginia, winner of the man pageant except that part about how your dream proposal would take place at a high school basketball game where you are a sports announcer how about you never do that.

Ok, one of us needs to step away from the tv. I guess I'll go first.

I have a treasure chest of childhood movies that I could probably still watch and enjoy today. Revisiting the list, there are an alarming number of movies with Fred Savage. For instance:

The Boy Who Could Fly: An emotional movie where a retarded boy flies around the neighborhood. Fred Savage is the little brother of the girl in love with the retarded flying boy.

Little Monsters: Howie Mandel is a blue monster who wears a denim jacket and traumatizes children while they are sleeping. Fred Savage is Howie's best friend and his girlfriend enjoys photosynthesis.

Vice Versa: Judge Reinhold gets Freaky Friday-d with his son (Fred Savage). The movie ends with "Set the Night to Music" by Starship for no explainable reason.

Flight of the Navigator: A young boy gets abducted by a spaceship with Pee Wee Herman as his navigator and Sarah Jessica Parker works for NASA. Fred Savage does not appear in this movie.

The Neverending Story: A boy with a bowl cut rides a dog-dragon and befriends a little Native American boy with anger issues. Fred Savage is nowhere to be found.

D.A.R.Y.L.: A robotic boy gets adopted by a family with a son named Turtle and later escapes a government facility by flying a fighter jet. Fred Savage cried when he saw this movie.

So Fred Savage is now directing It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and is clearly on the up and up. But what about my beloved first crushes of these other movies? According to Wikipedia, I have gathered these facts:

Barrett Oliver (Neverending Story/D.A.R.Y.L.): "...was one of the 10 featured emerging photographers in the 2007 Silverstein Photography Annual."

Noah Hathaway (Neverending Story): "Noah Hathaway has been active in sports all his life. He also played basketball, lifted weights, ran on treadmills and raced motorcycles. Hathaway left acting in the mid-1980s and moved into dance instruction, teaching advanced jazz and street dance until an injury forced him to quit in 1989 at eighteen."

Joey Cramer (Flight of the Navigator): And this is where it gets interesting because I found this gem composed by Bex Schwartz:

"Flight of the Navigator" (to the tune of "Love in an Elevator")
Yeeah!
Walkin' through the woods with my brother (whoa)
Fell into a fuckin' ditch (oh yeah)
A flyin' saucer scooped me up, man (whoa)
It's gonna be a fuckin' bitch (oh yeah)

But where we gonna go?
Phaelon, in outerspace!
Then we'll come back 8 years later and
They'll stick us in that NASA place

(chorus)
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I ain't goin' down
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I been flyin' round

Sarah Jessica's my intern (whoa)
RALF is gonna set me free (whoa yeah)
Max is finally gonna learn now
The Navigator -- he is me!

But where did Joey go?
Where's the Navigator now?
I really want to know!
So come on, Joey -- take your bow!

(chorus)
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I ain't goin' down
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I been flyin' round

In the air, in the air, honey one more time
Now it ain't fair
Flight of the Navigator
Ain't growin' up, I'll be flyin' round