The majority of my time today has been spent writing for money (also known as "doing my job"), with the remainder spent hanging around the duck pond. Know what you find when you Google "deceased ducks r.i.p. howard crackers quackers I loved you"? A bunch of awesome duck memorials. You know what is fun? Both reading and writing duck memorials (guess which ones are real below):

Beauregard made me happy in ways that I will never know again most likely. He ate lead balls and got lead poisioning.

My ducks were my best friends...literally. Tammy was eaten by an animal. Tonia was killed on the road. Reggie and Otto got stolen.

My duck Cuddles Partytime was my best friend. People can be so cruel to ducks they don't understand that they can share in your happiness and sadness.

I got my duck from my aunt's farm. My duck was the sweetest thing, he would come up to me and wag his tail and follow me all around. He showed me that anything is possible! My duck died of a tragic disease called Botulism.

RIP Wobbles. I found him when I was going to school he was just lying there not moving at all. He taught me how to be responsible for a disabled duck. He died from a disease that I don't know what it is called but prevented him from walking.

Sometimes I would just sit and talk to Professor Livingstone for hours. He liked to walk with me to get the mail but one day he got run over by the postman. I hope the Professor knows I dream about him every night and may the wind always be beneath your wings my dear, dear friend.

My favorite was Pretty Miracles she was the best. She liked to sit on my tummy when I watched Designing Women.

For a long time I have suffered from a weight problem and also acne. My ducks made me want to get out and do stuff because they were so happy. They my dog ate them both. I miss them. I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!

Rhyme Time

I've got one: Smart Boob.
Hmmm, a witty titty?
Nice job!
How about this one: Exact Architecture.
I give up.
A fine line!
Here's another: Funky Shoes.
Ummmm, hip hop flip flops?
You got it!
This one is good: Third Wheel.
Tres something?
Nope.
Ummm, I give up.
Cockblock!
But that's not right. You can't say "third wheel."
Yes I can.
No, you have to use two synonyms.
But "third wheel" is so good!
No, you have to say something else, like, Penis Barricade.

Seriously, Gabe is my favorite.

First of all, KUDOS.
2. How much did you have to pay the cop from the Village People?
3. THE LADY WITH THE MULLET
4. DEATH BY HANGING THE JURY RULES
5. Disco-strobe
6. I'd like to give a shout-out to all the mustaches
7. Good thing you made this video BECAUSE NOW I AM SCARED STRAIGHT FROM A LIFE OF GANG CRIME 4EVER
8. Danny Trejo Knock-Off = Rapping Judge = ELCHUCOFAIL

*My brother sent me this video, so I figured it was my duty to pass it along to Gabe at Videogum because he's one of the funniest people God put inside the Internets and also he has a petition against fake rap.

I can't wait for Virgania Horsen to produce more daytime TV-quality commercials promoting:
Adjustable beds
Turning gold teeth and jewelry into cash
Help with invention patents
Life insurance for just pennies on the dollar
Certification as a private investigator or personal typist
BECAUSE DAYTIME TV IS NOT ALLOWED TO AIR COMMERCIALS ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

If I had to stand in front of a Wal-Mart all day ringing a bell at holiday shoppers, It would almost be worth it if I could tell them to reconsider buying that Bratz doll in favor of doing this instead.

Books to buy your kid:
Dear Bill, Remember me? and other stories I read this book when I was 12 and it really made me want to get a job someday in a donut shop serving coffee to people who sat on barstools and smoked all day and paid for everything in small change. I also recall a lot of imagery about hairless, meaty forearms and smelling like limburger cheese.

Turn Homeward, Hannalee This book will make you feel ridiculous for wanting to run away from home since Hannalee is a crossdressing Civil War fugitive that has to work in textile factories to hitchhike her way back to her mom. Amazingly, no rape scenes.


Rabble Starkey I don't even remember what this book is about but it did reference male pubic hair which was pretty awesome.

The Summer of the Swans Blah, blah, the teacher confiscated your slap-bracelet and life sucks but do you have to take care of your retarded brother who's obsessed with swans?

Island of the Blue Dolphins So you're a preteen lampooned on a deserted island with no volleyball to talk to. Life stinks but you make awesome puka shell necklaces and brush your hair all day!

From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler These kids get locked in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, eat a lot of cheap sandwiches and solve an international crime.

Oh man, I could just keep going forever on this one.

Sincerely,
Charlotte Cheetham, Master of Disaster

I'm sorry, I just can't get over this video that has been featured everywhere lately. Japanese, I'm disappointed in your knock-kneed robot mimicking a five year old retarded girl on heroin living in the orphanage with Annie and Miss Hannigan. AND GEEZ GUYS WHAT IS WITH HER EYE TUMOR. That is the most depressing child slave robot ever, so congrats. Personally, I'm going to wait until you come out with the Deviled Ham Child Spokesperson robot (tophat optional).

What I sort of hope happens with Bart Bass is that Jenny Humphrey shot him on her way to ruin everyone else's lives with her terrible haircut at the Snowflake Ball and he has to relearn how to walk and talk again a la Regarding Henry and gets a job bagging groceries at Duane Reade. Oh, and then Aaron unrelatedly dies of AIDS.

(One episode away from a life of Ritz cracker paintings)

Dear eHarmony banner ad,
"Someone out there is waiting to say I love you"?
Really?
Because that is like the saddest tagline I've ever heard.
Way to ruin it for all the normal folks using your service by trying to attract all those depressing Romanian orphans and puppy killers that never felt parental affection. Oh, and all those Sex and the City fans.

Best!
DOSBS

But what you don’t see are the 13 year old girls running away from him with stolen Victoria’s Secret panties.