Nov 21, 2009


Free advice: Do not buy prepackaged hardboiled eggs that come in those resealable bags.
A) They taste terrible.
B) They are only meant for people 85 and older who can no longer boil water properly.
C) If you microwave them and cut into them with a fork they will make a loud POP noise and then explode all over the wall and your clothes and in your hair and somehow in between the blinds and 4 feet away on some paper towels and inside a mug of pens.

Nov 9, 2009

Yesterday I threw up a cowboy sandwich (toast, mayo, scrambled eggs, sausage and tabasco sauce) and got a nosebleed simultaneously. But I didn't start crying until I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was also topless, alone, and out of hand soap. Besides projectile vomiting while driving, this is the second most highly occuring instance in my life.

Oct 28, 2009

I’m having to utilize all my 2nd grade science knowledge to use a combination of at least 2-3 of the six simple machines to figure out how to get myself out of bed in the morning. Currently, I am devising a rope and pulley system in tandem with an inclined plane to lift my body from a reclining position in order to have it roll down a slope and into the bathroom. Then I think I’ll work out something involving a lever and fulcrum to propel myself either onto the toilet or into the shower. But seeing as how I barely passed high school physics, the odds are I will just continue to struggle with rolling over toward the edge of the bed while crying and praying I don’t pee my pants.

Oct 26, 2009

I've always thought it was a crime that this movie wasn't run the entire month of October a la A Christmas Story in December. Or July.

Oct 17, 2009

My middle school had, like, 1200 kids in it (grades 6th-8th). This translates to about 20 popular kids per grade level, give or take a few girls that bought the right Dooney & Bourke purses or started giving handjobs early enough to elbow their way into the cool crowd that would have otherwise rejected them for flat bangs. But this also means that no matter how terrible you felt about yourself, there were at least 1140 other kids who could make you feel better about yourself because at least you weren't them.

Middle school was a mess of rules, both school-imposed and social hierarchy-imposed, only adding to the anxiety of navigating a prison that not only banned the wearing of shorts of any length for at least one school year, but also painted over all the windows with brown paint to prevent distractions. Everything about it nearly gave me an ulcer. Add to it starting your period and having to figure out how to carry maxipads in your drawstring Guatemalan purse without anyone seeing them as you reach in to take out your lunch money or hairbrush or Sunripened Raspberry body spray and you have a recipe for disaster. The worst days were the Fridays your mom forgot to wash your favorite Friday outfit, the one you had been banking on wearing all week which was probably a sweater from Pasta with some tapered leg pants from Express and Bass slip-on loafers or maybe a paisley button down shirt from Gap tucked in to a denim mini skirt over leggings with lace at the ankles that you wore with Sam & Libby's.

Your Friday outfit was the one you wanted to wear because you heard from someone who heard from someone that this guy may or may not ask you to go with him and it would probably happen on Friday so you wanted to look your best. But instead your mom forgot to clean your Friday outfit and nothing was perfect enough on the day you thought that maybe you would get a boyfriend and someone to slow dance with for the rest of the year so you took alternate routes to classes all day and spent as much of passing period as you could in the bathroom, just on the off-chance that he was looking for you and would maybe ask you to go with him on the day you looked terrible in an outfit meant more for Tuesday or Wednesday or one of those days when you could slack off. And then he asked another girl to go with him anyway and you never knew if it was because you hid from him or he caught a glimpse of your courdoroy coulottes and had second thoughts.

A lot of middle school was based around timing. Not being too early and not being too late. It was always a delicate balance of surrounding yourself at all times with at least one other person because God forbid you ever be alone doing anything (except maybe changing your maxipad because God forbid anyone know about you having your period). You never wanted to be too early to anything because the most awkward thing is to sit at a lunch table alone or arrive at a school dance alone or get off the morning school bus before the other buses arrived or walk into Texas History alone. The only really advantageous alone time came with gym class where you could change into your gray t-shirt and black polyesther shorts (Umbros not allowed)without any other girls seeing your bra or boob size or lack of satin Victoria's Secret bikini panties because they were $12 apiece and your mom only let you buy 2 pairs and today they were both dirty so you were wearing those pink cotton Jockey ones. Being late could cost you dearly though too. If you were late then you probably lost a spot at the lunch table which meant you'd have to try to squeeze 4 inches out on the end and make an extra effort the whole time to get in on the conversation. Or being late meant you got a shitty seat on the bus, probably near the front with the kids that talked to the bus driver and the Romanian kids that lived in the apartments and whose moms waited with them at their stop in the morning and made them wear jackets even when it was 80 degrees outside.

But despite the constant threats of being excluded from the right lunch table based on poor timing and your choice to take too long getting cheese fries and a Hot Pocket, becoming accidentally involved in a gang fight because you knew you shouldn't make eye contact with that obese girl that always wore red t-shirts and talked about the Bloods, and being laughed at for reciting Janet Jackson's State of the World as your poetry choice in English class, the excitement of a school dance could wipe the slate clean. School dances meant hearing Bust A Move at least three times at maximum volume accompanied by a smoke machine and maybe getting to talk to one Drakkar-drenched boy who was only talking to you because he wanted to tell you to tell your friend that he was going to ask her to slow dance, but still. And even if you had a poor choice in outfit every year until 8th grade when you stopped listening to your mom and wearing things like a white turtleneck with hearts on it tucked into a red elastic waist Units skirt with white tights with hears on them and red Sam & Libby's and a long gold chain with a gold puffy heart pendant, you still had a good time.

There was always so much anticipation. Maybe you would finally get asked to slow dance by someone decent who had Guess jeans and gelled hair. Or maybe that short kid in your theater class would follow you around before the DJ played Stevie B's Because I Love You and you would have to hide out in the bathroom for at least one fast song before the slow song and for another song afterward, just on the off chance that the DJ played the extended version of Everything I Do, I Do It For You because you certainly didn't want to get stuck swaying to that mess for 8 minutes. Maybe a really popular couple would break up at the dance and you would say something you thought was really meaningful to the popular girl and then go home and write in your day planner that you had made plans to go to the mall with her the next day which was way better than slow dancing with any boy. Or maybe another couple would let everyone know they were going to french for the first time after the dance and you and everyone else couldn't wait to encircle them in front of the school carpool line to see if they really used tongue until your dad yelled your full name from the carpool lane and everyone quit watching the couple french each other to stare at you.

Should french have a capital "F"?

Oct 11, 2009

More from the police blotter in the tiny town where I work:

9/20, 10:20am
Caller reports nearly being attacked by a rabid skunk.

10:37am
Motorist snoozing in left turn lane found to be in possession of syringe with cocaine residue; the cocaine had apparently worn off.

12:02pm
Driver fails to exit car before entering building.

9/18, 11:34am
Caller suspects son may be poisoning him.

5:50pm
Caller reports her mother is preventing her from leaving with her child.

9/21, 5:21am
Caller reports wife is stressed out, distraught, possibly intoxicated. Wife responds that she just needed a break (from husband).

9/23, 8:00am
Report of unknown cow attempting to homestead caller's property.

6:16pm
Caller tattles on her 8 and 12 year old sons for swiping her cigarettes.

9/22, 2:59pm
Report of club-footed horse being neglected.

6:28pm
Caller reports that he hasn't heard from his mother in 15-16 months.

9/24, 5:37am
Caller inquires whether he is currently wanted by the police; is encouraged to make his inquiry in person.

8:31pm
Caller discovers a bag of marijuana in his office.

9/26, 12:26pm
5-year-old boy is left my mom at church garage sale. Mom is contacted and returns to fetch child marked "priceless".

9/27, 1:30pm
Renegade washing machine with eternal wash cycle holds washee's clothes hostage.

Sep 25, 2009


Like a lot of 80’s kids, a good portion of my childhood was spent begging for Units and Multiples clothing like tapered leg peg pants, tube belts, square-cut tops and elastic-waist coulottes. The Units brand was featured in its own stand-alone shop that I remember being filled with cubbyholes and stacks of plastic packages of modular clothing. Multiples you could buy in department stores and still came in the plastic bags but wasn’t as exciting of an experience as going in the Units store with those cubbyholes. I think my mom bought Units for herself and got us kids the Multiples but it didn’t matter because both brands had tube belts, the one piece of clothing a 10 year old could put on as a micro-miniskirt and pretend to be sexy Jody Watley in. I looked pretty terrible in all my Units/Multiples clothing, probably owing to the fact that the clothes were basically like workout wear and not too flattering on a budding adolescent with training bra lines and gangly limbs. And also owing to the fact that I usually complemented the ensemble with slouch socks and color-coordinated Keds, braces, a headband with a bow or some sort of 10in long barrette with a bunch of fabric scraps cut with pinking shears and tied to it that my mom and aunt made in the kitchen late at night (right next to the kerosene lamp and communal wash basin in our tenement building). Now that I am older and lazy and more strongly drawn toward wearing pajamas I can pass off as casual office wear at work, I really miss those Units and Multiples pieces but look! One can still purchase them! Straight from the original designer (Sandra Garratt)! And they are still fabulous! Now to buy the jumpsuit w/ zipper and wedge sleeves...

Sep 18, 2009

Jessica Simpson emailed me about her special offer to purchase clip-on bangs. I feel like selling clip-on bangs is a pretty interesting way to make your fortune in the world. And I am 100% positive that a Baptist church somewhere in Texas is going to have a non-alcoholic, zero-tolerance policy for dancing less than an arm’s width apart reception hall built from the sales of those clip-on bangs.

Sep 16, 2009

Things I Remember That Nobody Else Does That I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not Making Up But That I've Remembered This Week For Various Reasons

Billie Joe Armstrong refusing to speak with anything other than a British accent
Patrick Swayze’s brother Don starring in Alamo: The Price of Freedom
This interview that Whitney Houston gave one time about how a baseball broke through the window of the recording studio where she was singing I will always love you and how they left the sound on the track

Sep 11, 2009

Just cried at the end credits of Fred Claus during Sinead O'Connor's version of Silent Night. The hormones have got to get themselves under control.
Sometimes I just want to quit my regular job and run a Peace Frogs t-shirt kiosk at the mall.

Sep 3, 2009

Do you have any idea how unendingly frustrating it is to search for the locker room dance scene clip from All the Right Moves and not find one single thing? Not even an image search will provide a screen capture, which is odd because it features a bepimpled Tom Cruise doing pelvic thrusts and sandwiched in between Chris Penn (RIP) and some half-naked man in football pads and a jockstrap, and you would think someone would have totally exploited that by now. PS This blog has now been quarantined by Tom Cruise’s blog-scrolling legal team and will be held in a quadruple padlocked internet jail along with any derogatory Bill Cosby blogs I (allegedly) posted and that one post about Home Shopping Network that HSN found and read at least 12 times.

Aug 28, 2009

Do you know what it's like to get up to pee for the 8th time at 3am and you're so tired all you can do is slump over onto your knees so you can rest your head in your hands but then someone kicks you in the vagina?

Aug 22, 2009

Old Favorites


The Heavenly Kid


Modern Girls


Haunted Honeymoon


Maid to Order


Cloak and Dagger


D.A.R.Y.L.


Once Bitten

Aug 11, 2009

Have you ever bought giant cheap underwear at Wal-Mart and then come home to wash and try them on and realize they're not giant enough and then cried about it while watching Chain Gang Girls 2 on WE?

Aug 7, 2009

Hm. I thought if you were marrying a magic carpet ride you'd refer to it in the feminine. I guess that shows my closed-mindedness.

*photo courtesy of www.telegraph.co.uk

Aug 6, 2009

You know what all the cool kids are doing? Shaving their eyebrows with an As-Seen-On-TV product they bought last night at 10pm at the CVS around the corner along with a pack of gum and some Clorox wipes.

Aug 5, 2009


I like the older lady in the back in the red hotpants and bangs who looks like she's not quite catching on and is in the middle of the robot. And the girl in the yellow spors bra that is clearly off-count AND trying to do the tootsie-roll.

Aug 3, 2009

To the girl engaged to the Jonas brother that looks like Gene Shalit: probably not necessary to wear a shirt that says Mrs. Kevin Jonas II. I don't think anyone is going after that Jonas. Because that's like saying you're engaged to the oldest Hanson brother.

Aug 1, 2009

True Stories* of the Rural Police Blotter (July Edition)

*Seriously, this is word-for-word from the local newspaper

7/13
7:41am – Third call for cow in the road.
8:27am – Caller attempting to call Spain this morning dialed 911 by mistake.
11:19am – Trapped raccoon.
9:18pm – Report of harassment on Friendship Drive, maybe we need to rename the street.
10:50pm – Caller came home to find ex-husband took all her clothes and other items. Just helping to move or cross dresser.

7/15
2:17am – Report of seven subjects with a couple of bats looking for a fight.
8:02am – Caller has vicious raccoon trapped.
9:24am – Baby raccoon on back porch.
11:57am – Property manager reporting burglary of an apartment by a 12 year old male. Way to usher in adulthood.
3:01pm – Need a trap for a porcupine.

7/16
8:44am – Verbal fight reported between two ladies. Man trying to break it up. Must be a sale.
1:34pm – Reporting a six-pack stolen.
6:09pm – Bicycle ran into parked car, injured. Airlife enroute.
8:18pm – Elderly man is very tired not reckless driver.
10:28pm – Swerving 18-wheeler just tired not intoxicated.

7/17
1:31am – Unable to locate group of kids reported to be up to no good in cul de sac.
11:15am – Voucher given to a gentleman needing assistance with another night’s stay.
2:18pm – Unable to locate large goat loose.
5:48pm – Assisted EMS with lady with tingling swollen tongue.
9:02pm –Man got some type of cleaner in eyes.
9:03pm – Caller reported suspicious black VW cruising neighborhood which had skedaddled by the time officer arrived.

7/18
5:21pm – Grocery cart versus Honda incident.
4:42pm – Caller following a real old weak dog. Dog returned to owner.

7/19
7:05am – Caller concerned about a kitten with bloody eyes.
7:07am – Caller reported chocolate Labrador with green collar loitering around the neighborhood. Officer could not locate the dog.
10:09am – Unable to locate horse with saddle running on road.
11:27am – Caller was advised by a neighbor that an officer visited his house and wanted to know why. Well Sherlock here’s your citation.
1:44pm – An employee was using inappropriate language at drive thru window. Apologized to patron. That looks good on your references.
6:39pm – Unable to locate Toyota Prius going 100mph. That’s not even possible.

7/20
12:-00pm – Caller reporting dogs in chicken pen having a snack.
12:04pm – Caller worried about strange text messages from friend, she is just back at divorce court.
3:55pm – Caller needs advice about prescription drugs that never came in the mail.
6:06pm – Guy wanting to know what police were at his house for was given a citation for not appearing for jury duty. Sometimes they just come calling

7/21
8:36am – Following up on a report of an animal bite, officer had to converse with the victim’s husband as the victim wasn’t in the mood to chat. Husband reported that wife was unaware of their pet cat sleeping beside her and rolled over. The cat retaliated by biting the wife on her left arm. Officer checked out the cat and the wife and reported that both appeared normal.
10:18am – Caller fooled into a scam involving money grams advised not to open any bank accounts for this online company.
5:26pm – Red Tahoe driving erratically taking pictures with cell phone of people driving by and has crazy curly hair.
11:58pm – Talking couple parked near bank.

7/22
2:41am – Officer stopped guy that was just washing his car after eating at Whataburger.
11:13am – Caller reported a snake taking a dip in her swimming pool. Officer captured and released non-poisonous snake back into the wild.
5:45pm – Dysfunctional oven helps family re-think dinner plans; volunteer fire dept. and police respond to call.
8:09pm – Another sighting of the renegade chocolate lab with green collar.
9:12pm – The transient drinking a beer agreed to pour it out and move on.
11:22pm – Female stating she was afraid of the guys at Sonic who stole her Rebel flag from vehicle. Guys said it was a joke.
11:37pm – Guy in flag stealing incident found to have been consuming and in possession of alcohol. Who’s laughing now?

7/23
2:45am – When given choice of citation or calling parents the two female juveniles contacted their parents.

7/24
12:30pm – Officer investigates report of a shooting of a city limits sign. Upon inspection the officer reported a 6 inch pattern of buck shot holes. The sign is expected to make a full recovery.
1:51pm – Officer assists motorists in recovery of a $50 bill which had flown out the window.

7/25
7:05pm – Officer responded to the location of a 911 hang-up and witnessed domestic discord involving alcohol and a fall off the wagon.

Jul 24, 2009

Do you know how much immense pleasure can be derived from writing with a pencil? It is lightweight and erases your mistakes with a fair amount of ease. The only reason I still enjoy typing anymore is because of the clickclack noise but pens can suck it. You know who uses pencils? People with important things to do. People who use math on a daily basis. People who need to make edits on papers for other people. Piano teachers. You can make your writing as precise as you want to. Just sharpen the point. Or dull it out into a soft nub. Whatever you want to do. You can chew on it and sometimes this is also satisfactory. A whole package of 100 pencils only costs five cents.

Jul 20, 2009

You know what is going to save the world? Universal love of rocket ships and space exploration.
A second season of Toddlers and Tiaras THANK GOD.

Jul 13, 2009

Her hair smelled like friendship and incontinence.

Jul 8, 2009

Songs to Brush Your Cat to:

Isn't She Lovely
Havin' a Roni
Brass in Pocket
If I Had a Hammer
Anything by Huey Lewis and the News
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Man in the Mirror (too soon?)

Jul 6, 2009

My 2 Favorite Made-for-TV Movies:

Who is Julia?
Two young womens lives are changed forever in one moment. A strikingly beautiful and wealthy woman is hit by a truck and is all smashed up and nearly killed. At nearly the same time, a very plain looking lower middle class woman simply faints and suffers brain death. The beautiful womans brain is fine, so, doctors merely transplant her brain into plain Jane. Problems ensue when plain Janes husband continues to believe she is still his wife. She has no memory of him, and goes to live with the beautiful womans husband. She doesn't mix well with her new socialite friends and family. Mirrors are emotional battlefields as well. ~ courtesy of IMDB

Paper Dolls


It is a real shame that I can find neither video clips from Who is Julia? or a plot summary for Paper Dolls (the TV movie with Darryl Hannah and Alexandra Paul- not to be confused with the TV series).

I am updating my bday wish list to include Pentec medium point pens (both black and blue ink) and VHS copies of these two fine productions.

Jul 4, 2009

I missed another party last night because of the TV. The first time it happened I skipped my sorority formal because the premiere of Walking with Dinosaurs was on. Last night I blame Beowulf.

Jul 3, 2009

Small town local paper news footage:

Online homepage: featuring video of Boston Massacre re-enactment using high school students and an emcee
Calendar of events: months of July and August featuring 2 events only: ladies Bible study (meet at the Baptist church at 7pm each Tuesday) and obesity surgery support group
Front page headline: feature article on big turnout to purchase high school football magazine
Recipe section: featuring article on how to explore world cuisine with what’s already in your pantry, take raisins for instance
Business section: Merle Norman grand opening this weekend

Jun 27, 2009

Can we please all discuss instead how The Way You Make Me Feel video is about an obsessive stalker, masturbation and gang rape simulation? Which culminates in a loving embrace?

May 29, 2009

May 27, 2009

Things of note:
I am not working right now, hence, I am seldom around the computer.
I have had two 3-day migraines where I have vomited up: crackers, cake, bile, Gatorade and cottage cheese.
I want to run a conch train in the Florida keys.
We repainted our dining room which the previous owners had painted red and pink with glossy peacocks stenciled on the walls. We have not yet repainted the bedroom where they painted a unicorn on the wall.
I have got to stop going to Taco Cabana.
My face is real rashy and broken out but only on one side because I had a wet washrag on it for 3 days straight.
Our 2 year anniversary is today and we will celebrate with hamburgers and nachos.
Flight of the Navigator is getting a remake. BLASPHEMY.

May 16, 2009

BRAVESTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR



Bravestarr
Bravestarr

In a distant time
And far away place
The planet New Texas floats deep in space
Sky of three suns
Land of precious ore
The Kerium brought outlaws by the score

Bravestarr
Bravestarr

Then one day, a lawman appeared
With powers of hawk, wolf, puma and bear
Protecter of peice, mystic man from afar
Champion of justice, Marshall Bravestarr!

Bravestarr
BRAVESTARR!
Eyes of the hawk, ears of the wolf

Bravestarr
BRAVESTARR!
Strength of the bear, speed of the puma

Bravestarr
BRAVESTARR

(This one is dedicated to you, SLB.)

May 8, 2009

This morning we found some old Nerf jai alai-type toys and started to play in the house until we realized this is a grown-up house and we could break something so we moved the game out to the backyard. And then we got embarrassed because the neighbors are probably thinking, "Great. Neither of them appear to have jobs and they just play jai alai in the backyard at 10AM."

May 4, 2009

I found an Avon catalogue in the driveway today. That is how I know I am living in a real, adult neighborhood with an HOA and children and women who sell Avon on the side to pay for silk flowers and signs that say "WINE" in Tuscan-themed script to hang above their wine racks. Have you ever looked at an Avon catalogue's perfume selection? Patrick Dempsey has his own cologne, as does Derek Jeter. This is my favorite both for name and packaging:



Check out some other amazing Avon fragrances here.

Apr 30, 2009

We done gone moved ourselves to TX. On the drive, I ate at Dairy Queen 2 days in a row with no apologies (to myself). I instead chose to exercise my restraint on purchasing kachina dolls and moccasins with bald eagles emblazoned on them. And I had the pleasure of peeing in a bathroom where if I stood at the sink and angled myself just right I could look directly into the eyes of a man pulling the lever on a slot machine. What I can't believe is that we are here and we are not leaving because our new home is here and our cars are here and there is someone else living in our old house already so we can't go back. This is not a holiday vacation where we'll be catching a flight out in four days after I'm covered in mosquito bites and reeling from a bad case of cedar fever. Already it is humid here and the power went out last night, two lasting memories I have from childhood growing up here that have already reared their heads our first night back. But there are green trees and grass and breakfast tacos galore and I think everything is going to be alright. My little brother gets a shoutout for driving 8 hours yesterday with me, writing a school paper last night and then flying back to work this morning at 8am and my little sister gets nothing because she is the middle child.

Apr 26, 2009

So this guy is totally a sex offender and is probably performing sexual battery out of frame the whole time during this video but you have to watch this, guys. He also has a video of himself shirtless and scratching himself with a toilet brush. As usual, Videogum has burned an image into my brain, the negative effects of which can only be abated by me sharing it with all of you.



Gabe and Lindsay have a fight about whether or not everyone is a pervert on YouTube (they are, clearly).

Apr 25, 2009

Today is my 3rd to last day in a town I really like. And you know how I have spent the past few days saying a sentimental good-bye to it? By going to TJ MAXX 6 times.

Apr 24, 2009

A quote from the book I'm reading (which I don't suggest you read if you have recently been laid off or more specifically laid off from some sort of advertising agency).

"So she says to me," he says to us, "'I see you put Tom's bookshelves back.' So I act totally ignorant, I say, 'I'm sorry, I don't know what it is you're talking about,' and I go back to cleaning my desk, but she's not leaving, so I look up again and she says, 'And I see you no longer have his chair, either.' So I say, 'I would appreciate you not harassing me anymore. There are rules against that in the employee handbook.' And she says, 'You think I'm harassing you?' And I say, 'Yes. And I don't appreciate it.' And she says, 'Well, maybe we should take it up with Lynn.' And I say, 'I would welcome that,' and she says, 'What are you doing right now?' and I say, 'Well, unlike some people, I'm trying to get some work done. Some people actually generate revenue around here, you handjob.'"

Apr 16, 2009

Another city I could possibly move to in the future:

Apr 15, 2009

More Ways You Know You Are Living With 2 Dudes:

1. Gatorade athletic towels in the bathroom
2. Old Spice bodywash
3. The plastic is still wrapped around the lampshades
4. All drinkware has beer logos
5. Empty bottles of Cutty Sark on the top of the fridge
6. Dishrags smell like mildew
7. Dancing with the Stars is still on
8. At least one person is always sitting in a dark room playing a video game and wearing enormous headphones

Apr 14, 2009

I am eating organic mac and cheese with a plastic knife right now.

Apr 13, 2009

I wanted to devote some time to showing all y'all exactly which items I would like to purchase from the (unauthorized?) Michael Jackson estate auction but you're really better served just going straight here and taking a looksee for your own selves. They had me at statue of him as a California Raisin. Still, the silver simulated robotic head MJ used when dressed as a robot in his Moonwalker video to defeat drug dealer Joe Pesci (WTF? Why don't I remember this.)looks promising.

Apr 8, 2009

WHOA. Watch your penis holes, dudes.
Why is it that whenever I want to watch River Monsters: Searching for the Goonch, a man-eating species of catfish found in the foothills of the Himalayas I can't because the only channels I get are featuring ANTM or That's So Raven?

Apr 7, 2009

At the temporary pad having a salad and watching Maury. Antwan just said that Vanessa had sex in the back of a car in exchange for some chicken so baby Kanye can't be his. That girl is nasty!
Wow, you guys. Rose just got felt up by her dentist. This is her best episode since she thought she had AIDS. SPREAD THE FEAR, 1990.

Apr 6, 2009

We're crashing temporarily in a really nice pad with the worst television channels you can imagine. It's like each night we have to choose between either whatever covered-wagon-with-pioneers love story is on the Hallmark Channel or the George Lopez Show. Thank Shatner for the Golden Girls or else we'd spend the hours of 8pm to 11pm crying. Here's what's on at my place, everyone:

Betty, la Fea (This one is great, obvs.)
The King of Queens (I'm always about 5 seconds from choking myself with my own bare hands when this is on.)
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (Raven Simone!)
The World's Funniest Moments (Note: Not the world's funniest moments and also hosted by Arsenio Hall.)
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Go back in time and tell your 14 year old self you'd be better served watching Family Matters. Srsly.)
Way too many shows featuring Martin Mull in a guest starring role (You know, the poor man's Ed Begley Jr.)

Welcome to the decor of my new home

Hello, I'd like to take a few precious moments today to tell you about the decor of my new home which, surprisingly, also includes a Precious Moments figurine celebrating the selection of decor for a new home. Perhaps you will get a better idea of my taste after watching this video (via Videogum):



I am particularly drawn to sunflower motifs, ceramic cannisters, adding angel wings to various animals such as bears and ducks, mauve and hunter green accented floral paintings and Oak Liquidators furniture.

Mar 27, 2009

I just watched a 5 minute clip of a little girl eulogizing her dead fish .

"You're going down the toilet with Marlond again" is going to be the title of my first book.

Mar 24, 2009

Oh wait. Back it up, mortification train. I did have a senior photo. But I didn't pass it around to anyone because I looked like I was 45. This fancy ladies' clothing store had what they termed a "Teen Board" that you had to apply to be a part of and one of the perks was a photo shoot in one of their outfits that they picked out for you. Mine happened to be whatever they had leftover after dressing all of the other better looking, super skinny girls who actually spent money in the store (I did not). I ended up with some equestrian-style outfit complete with red woolen vest with black velvet trim and a white puffy sleeved blouse with neckerchief when what I hoped to get was a simple black turtleneck with a cropped denim vest over it and an ankle length herringbone skirt. And a necklace of silver beads. And some oversized silver cross earrings. But I didn't.

OMG you guys, this Teen Board business. I'm not even sure if the store is in business anymore, probably because how many trunk shows can you have featuring red pique mock-tennis dresses and cuffed woolen houndstooth trousers with Brighton belts modeled by 17 year olds before someone tries to run themselves over with their green and tan Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer, you know? To become a member you had to be in high school, fill out an application and then be interviewed by the store owner and a few of the outgoing Teen Board members. They asked questions like, "Where do you like to shop?" and "If you could tell one person you loved them today, who would it be?" I guess the correct answers were "Finer women's clothing boutiques such as your store and also Harold's" and "Jesus". I gave neither of these answers and actually broke down and cried in the middle of it for unrelated reasons, but they took me anyway. Probably for diversity. Because I couldn't afford to shop there.

Once you were selected for membership on the board, you had to work a certain number of hours a month in the store where you weren't paid but earned store credit toward the purchase of overpriced and age-inappropriate items such as alligator loafers or cocktail dresses. And you had to participate in at least one fashion show where the Teen Board members all gathered together to invite boys from their respective high schools to be escorts down the runway which meant they had to try to show up not drunk and wearing khaki pants with white oxford shirts and ties. And then everyone's moms showed up to the fashion show to size up each other's Dooney & Bourke purses and buy the outfits their daughters modeled.

And it's not like the girls on the board were terrible or anything. Most of them were just girls who wanted to add it to their high school resumes to pump up the volunteerism portion that usually just said something like Humane Society dog walker or Sang at assisted living facility during Christmas with Bible study class.

I did learn the proper way to model walk though. Which entails lightly grazing your middle finger against your thigh and squeezing your butt cheeks together as if holding in a dime. Why anyone would know what holding a dime in their butt cheeks feels like is a mystery to me, man.
Hey, you guys. Remember senior portraits? Where you got to pose with props that you thought reflected your most inner self at age 18 like miniature white Grecian pillars draped in soft fabric and kittens? And if you grew up in Texas you thought posing in a blue denim workshirt from the Gap would make the photo even more timeless? Good times. I never actually had an official senior portrait. My mom just went outside and took some close-up photos of me standing near some bushes by the garage.

Dehumidifier just posted the best run-down on senior photography.

Mar 19, 2009

According to site stats, a lot of people at NASA are busy Googling photos of Kenny Fucking Powers and NOT checking to make sure somebody hasn't stolen the O-rings off the space shuttle.

Mar 18, 2009

Constipation solution #32: Eat 2/3 of a can of beans.
I wish i lived in Chicago so I could call in to Mel T's radio show and harass her. For now I can only harass her on FB about her illiteracy and addiction to Native American psychedlic drugs. And the time I went to Chicago with friends and saw a quote from her on a city billboard about blowjobs and was all I KNEW HER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Mar 17, 2009


If you are not following Kenny Fucking Powers on Twitter, you will probably not get fingered on the back of a jetski by the most awesome athlete of all time:

A man knows he's found his true third soulmate when she's willing to jerk him off on a roller coaster. Remember this shit, girls.

STEVIE, COME PICK ME UP NOW.I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND. NOW. AND BRING ME A NACHOS BELL GRANDE... NOW

Looking on the ebay for a new SCREAM mask...Mine's got some fucking stains on it or some shit

A fan asks "KP, you ever stuck it to a midget?" and the answer to that is, YES & it was some of the best hot air balloon sex I've ever had.

Mar 11, 2009

I will really feel left out in this life if I do not create at least one music video. It doesn't even have to be a good one. Just something that could make it on one of those little TVs in the teen department at Dillard's or something. You know, on that station that plays videos of people you've never really heard of but there's lots of dancing and low expectations for quality. One of those videos. I just want to change my clothes a bunch of times and have a slow motion sequence where I'm shot from behind walking on some train tracks. Maybe in black and white. And I want at least one of the outfits to be a colored t-shirt tucked into some baggy pants with suspenders and high top Chucks. Which I will wear in my dance routine where I am also wearing a bowler hat and white gloves. And I want lasers.

Mar 9, 2009

I'm either going to name my kid "Bonus Jonas" or something from For the Love of Ray J.


Above: Bonus Jonas


Above: Caviar with her donkey, Hot Cocoa
It's the middle of the afternoon and I am already home. Because I am exhausted from the anxiety of maneuvering an enormous van in the parking lot at work this morning.

Mar 8, 2009

Popeye's Chicken is now following me on Twitter. I have reached my zenith.

Mar 4, 2009

Ode to Bret Michaels


Oh, how we loved thee.
I'd like to remember you the way you were...
Aggressive, combative
Always trying to fight your reflection
(But maybe that was our fault for putting your aquarium in front of a mirror next to equally reflective bottles of alcohol)
And not the sad, shell of a fish you became...
Bloated
With pinecone scales
Likely the result of some disease called "Dropsy" that I found on a Beta fish chatroom
You were purchased at a PetSmart
My friend during the NFL combine
I showered you with a discount aquarium for children I bought at Wal-Mart along with various accessories like that treasure chest that blew bubbles that I broke one time but you still liked to sleep in
You didn't judge me
You didn't talk to me
You sometimes just slept all day and that's when I should have known you were sick
But I didn't because I left on Christmas vacation and didn't turn the heat on so that it was 56 degrees in the house and when I came back I was too busy to notice
And I just kept feeding you
Because I hoped one day you would angrily attack your food the way you used to
But you never did
You just floated at the top
Or at the bottom
Not doing much of anything
Probably thinking about whatever fish think about
Which maybe has something to do with the current economic situation
Or Britney Spears' recent comeback
I don't really know
I'm not a rocket scientist and I got D's in economics in college
And my husband wanted to euthanize you in the toilet
Probably in the broken one where you have to jiggle the handle or else it won't stop running
But I fought for your dignity
And today I almost went to PetSmart to buy some medicinal tablets that I read about in that chatroom
But then I had a terrible day at work and decided I would just put you to sleep in the freezer
Sandwiched in between some ice trays and Lean Cuisine panini sandwiches that I never should have bought but there was a good deal at the Safeway that I couldn't pass up
But I did put some steam-in-a-bag corn up there for ambiance
I know you can't see it
Because I encased you in an opaque container of Shamrock Farms low-fat cottage cheese
But I ate the cottage cheese and washed out the container because I didn't know if you were lactose intolerant
And I didn't want you to have Dropsy and diarrhea
You got me through another combine
And I thank you for that
Even though this time you were sick and it made me angry because I just thought you were being sullen about the heat not being on in December and come on, that was like 2 months ago get over it already
And I want to go check on you right now to see if you're dead yet and I know that's morbid
But you know I'll do it tomorrow morning anyway
Probably I'll wake up at 3am to pee or drink some water and I might do it then
It depends on how tired I am
And I'm not sure what to do after you have frozen inside the water in that container because I can't flush you down the toilet now and I can't dig deep enough in the back yard to bury you
So I guess you'll just go out with the trash on Friday
But I'll make sure you're wrapped up in the cottage cheese container inside your own trash bag
Maybe I won't use a 99 Cent Store bag and I'll put you in one from CVS
You deserve as much
Thank you for being a friend.

I've never wanted to get felt up on the back of a jet ski so badly in my life.



Things I hope happen when we move back to TX:

1) We get a giant metal lone star decoration to hang on the front of the house.
2) I begin to wear entirely too many Brighton accessories.
3) We immediately put a UT Longhorn sticker on the back of our car.
4) I hit a deer with my car, get out and shoot it with the rifle in my Corolla's gun rack, and then have it mounted in the back of my car.
5) My husband refuses to wear any shoes other than Red Wing boots with his Wranglers and starched shirt.
6) You can see my husband's 12-inch King Ranch wallet sticking out of his back pocket at all times.
7) I don't kill myself.
8) My morning meal each day consists soley of Taco Cabana potato and egg breakfast tacos.
9) We religiously attend high school 5A football games and learn a dance routine to the band's drum cadence.
10) We get shamed for being Jewish.
11) We have five kids named Lone Star, Oil Baron, South Padre, Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom and Remember the Alamo.

I can tell this is shaping up to be a great idea! (This really is a great idea. I am just adjusting to the shock of it all is all.)

Mar 3, 2009

Another day, another person smoking weed in the Port-A-John.

Feb 26, 2009

Round 2 of “Let’s All Talk About My Childhood Crushes”:

First up is Craig Warnock (Kevin in Time Bandits). He was super adorable and in the greatest movie of all time, hands down (sorry LT, I know how you feel about dwarves). I mean, his parents explode in front of him at the end of the film and he gets to carry around this really great satchel with a map of the universe in it. It is the greatest. But we all know how I feel about Terry Gilliam films in general (they are the greatest).

Next there is Sean Astin (Mikey Walsh in Goonies). I think everyone knows who he is, as he went on to star in the best selling trilogy of homoerotica the world has ever seen. His hair and jean jacket are unrivaled.







And then there is Robby Kiger (Patrick in The Monster Squad).
I liked his pink shirt and sunglasses and the way his voice cracked all the time. His last movie was Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael, another precious VHS tape in my collection featuring my last crush to be reviewed today, Thomas Wilson Brown (Gerald in Roxy Carmichael or perhaps better known as Russ in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids).He had that floppity, butt-cut hair and big blue eyes and now gets bit parts on Walker, Texas Ranger.

Feb 23, 2009


I had a conversation with this person for 10 minutes today. It was not as stimulating as you may think.
And now for the part of the program that I like to call “Shit I Put In My Shopping Cart On HSN”. HSN is the promised land for notables such as Susan Lucci and Tori Spelling. It gives them a second chance to let their true talents shine through the mediums of chandelier earrings and microdermabrasion kits. It also allows Beyonce’s mom (referred to as “Miss Tina”) to dress the public in “…spicy, Creole-inspired silhouettes” which I think means you will look like a sausage, I’m not sure. Paula Abdul uses HSN to promote her surprisingly named Forever Your Girl jewelry line (not surprisingly named), while Tony Little, bless him, is still promoting his various fitness products using the time-honored marketing approach of looking like a female bodybuilder (despite the permed ponytail, he is not, and also his gazelle fitness flyer machine was in our house growing up). This week, my shopping cart contains a badass Loulou de Falaise necklace that I only want so I can bob my hair and pretend to be Isabella Rossellini in Death Becomes Her. Why can't costume jewelry just grow on trees?

Feb 16, 2009

Also weighing heavily on my mind is which song is better:

OR
Okay being an Indian gaming casino tribute entertainer has got to be one of the saddest jobs ever. I mean, really, what kind of person pays money to see a Brooks and Dunn tribute band. Because is there really any difference between that and the real band. People imitating Madonna circa the Blonde Ambition tour or The Blues Brothers are the worst. (Sorry to anyone Googling "i'm-an-indian-casino-performer-depression-sometimes-cry-all-day-alone-need-new-cone-bra"!)

Feb 15, 2009

Top Rated iMix Titles I Am Thinking Of Downloading:

1. Jayne (died of cancer)
2. Going Down Slow
3. This Music is Wonderful.
4. 70's AM Summertime, Vol. 2
5. Juggalo Love
6. In Memory of my Cusin
7. Dat Jesus Muzik

Feb 11, 2009

Have you ever taken a look at the variety of cards accepted at a gas station? QT accepts, like, 25 different cards and half of them are ridiculous. Like the SHAZAM card, for instance, which features a hot pink lightening bolt going through a giant S. WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME SOMEONE'S PITCH TO INVESTORS WENT SOMETHING LIKE, "YES I AM DEVELOPING A NETWORK OF FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS THAT OFFERS ATM SERVICES AND I AM GOING TO NAME IT AFTER A 3,000 YEAR OLD WIZARD FROM A COMIC BOOK THAT GIVES HIS POWERS TO A YOUNG BILLY BATSON SO THAT HE CAN SHOUT HIS NAME TO THE HEAVENS AND THUS BE TRANSFORMED INTO CAPTAIN MARVEL YES THIS WAS DECIDED AFTER HOURS OF DELIBERATION WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT THIS BUSINESS PLAN IS S-O-L-I-D." Don't even make me address Cash XXXPress which has a logo of a unicorn humping a robot (seriously guys, it's right between Tyme is Money and Diner's Club International).

Feb 3, 2009

My 25 Random Things About Me UnTagged List That I Refuse To Post On Facebook But Which Will Kill You If You Do Not Forward To 10 Friends In The Next 7 Minutes:

1. I had to repeat kindergarten. I was moved up half a year early because I could read and differentiate between pennies, dimes and nickles but then I wasn't old enough to start first grade. So I had to repeat it. And was rewarded with a summer trip to computer camp and playing Mary in the nativity play.

2. I do everything in threes or multiples of three. And sometimes I stay in the bathroom too long because I am counting tile patterns and lose track of time.

3. My mom curled my hair everyday until I was a freshman in high school.

4. There are five songs I love listening to on repeat that never get old to me: Battlestations- Wham!, On and On- The Longpigs, Never is a Promise- Fiona Apple, So Cruel- U2 and Pit Stop(take me home)- Lovage. And no, I am not embarassed for myself.

5. My grandma paid for me to have my eyebrows and eyelashes dyed before I went to college. I looked like Bert from Sesame Street when it was over because I had never had my eyebrows plucked and I went home and rubbed Pert on them for several hours because I heard that would remove the dye. It didn't.

6. If I had to name an obsession other than my husband, chicken and wild rice casserole and Hot Tamales, it would be Alice in Wonderland.

7. All my life I have gotten really bad nosebleeds. I'm talking bad. The kind that last for 30 minutes with giant clots of blood mucus spilling out.

8. When I was little, I would get my sister to do things for me by saying, "I'll be your best friend and I will build you a tent in your room. Just rub my back while I take a nap and dream about what the tent will be like." And then 85% of the time I would never build the tent but would kick her in the stomach for an unrelated reason.

9. My favorite school years were 1st - 4th grade, 8th grade and 11th grade. Mostly because I liked my school outfits and hair.

10. All of my celebrity crushes are on really unattractive funny people or musicians with raging heroin addictions.

11. The end of Reality Bites makes me really emotional.

12. Sometimes I worry about how much I am not worried about my complete lack of self-discipline.

13. I think I got a school bus driver fired in 4th grade. I have never resolved my feelings about that. But I'm pretty sure she deserved it.

14. I am crazy in love with my husband and I look up to him more than he knows. Everything about him makes me incredibly happy and positive.

15. I am terrified of aliens breaking into my bedroom at night.

16. I can't deal with the texture of paper towels or construction paper. I used to lick a lot of stuff when I was younger and I can never get the taste of those textures out of my mind.

17. I love smelling books. Sometimes I lose my place when I'm reading because I am sniffing my book too much.

18. My dream job would be a part-time used bookstore owner, part-time back-up dancer for Britney and a part-time novelist.

19. I am terrible at math.

20. I used to record myself singing The Greatest Love of All real quietly into my boombox over and over in 2nd grade which required me to lay flat on the carpet and hide behind my twin bed.

21. I have picked off or bitten my nails my entire life. Only twice have I ever let them grow long.

22. One time I fed our dog a paper towel. When he died of leukemia several years later, I thought it was because of the paper towel.

23. When I was 13, my sister was 9 and my brother was 6, that song The Power was real popular. My sister and I used to sing it and told my brother that "I've got the power" meant "I've got a vagina" and that he couldn't sing it because boys didn't have the power. This made him sad so we had to pretend that he could say "I've got the magic" because "magic" meant penis. To this day we say, "Girls have the power, and boys have the magic."

24. There is not one single time that I went to confession and didn't lie to the priest.

25. I sometimes drink Fat Tire for dinner.

Oceanchum never disappoints. I've watched this video like eight times. There are so many reasons I love it. The boys group dancing in a high school parking lot. The video effects. That guy dancing in front of a crime scene. That other guy dancing on a slow moving vehicle. But mostly, it makes me want to dance. Oh good, they have a phone number for bookings.

Jan 30, 2009

Overheard at Target this morning:

Letty: Hey, I liked that one movie, you know, with the boys in it that are real good friends.

Raoul: What are you talking about?

Letty: You know. You always say I don't like any movies but this one was real funny. You know what I'm talking about. It's a movie about those two boys having a sleepover and the one boy, he goes, "boop" to the other guy's nose.

Jan 28, 2009


If you tell me this bathroom is NOT an homage to the 1980's lifestyle of a man who smelled like Aramis and did entirely too much blow while secretly beating off to images of James Spader in his Scarface bathroom which also doubled as the scene of several VHS sexcapades, I will call you a liar.

Jan 27, 2009

I wish I had a digital camera with me to provide photographic evidence of the awesomeness that is my childhood bedroom. Seriously, I found all my old sticker books which nearly brought me to tears- stickers of breakdancing holograms, Shirt Tales, Garbage Pail Kids, Pound Puppies, Popples, Keep Corpus Christi Clean! campaign, the Apple IIC, Scratch-n-Sniff tacos and chicken drumsticks giving the thumb's up sign, and on and on. There are seriously thousands of stickers. I blew so many hundreds of dollars on my rubber stamp (emboss things over a lightbulb!) and sticker collections, now collectively worth a grand total of $4.50.

I will also need to devote an entire post to my expansive cassette tape collection, which also includes the 1989 Sing No To Drugs! soundtrack (a gift from your local association of realtors). I've never listened to it but I've put in parentheses what I think the songs are like. Song list includes:

Side 1
Sing no to drugs (party anthem)
Drugs- NO WAY! (too much drum machine)
It's your choice (club mix)
Just say goodbye (good for slow dancing)
The power in you (sung by Levar Burton)

Side 2
I'm no loser (gangsta rap)
Alcohol can harm you (intro)
Knowing is growing (lyrics by Raffi)
The police (outro)
Dreaming (instrumental)

Then there are the fabulous panoramic photos of my 8th grade and 12th grade classes, where half the kids are blurry and the teachers all look homicidal. Plaques from drama tournaments and dance awards. Certificates of honor roll. Fitnessgrams measuring situps, arm hang, mile run, and bodyfat (note: I was 5'7" in 7th grade and only 106lbs with an arm hang of 1 second- I AM A CHAMPION). National Piano Playing Auditions grade sheets (which is amazing since today I can barely play the classic "Take A Look At Me Now" as made popular by one Phil Collins and printed in Today's Best of Color Me Pops, literally a book of sheet music accompanied by pages from a coloring book). A beat up Homecoming crown. Computer camp certificates of completion. NERD ALERT. By some cosmic joke, I got voted Best Looking as my senior superlative, something I coped with by promptly gaining 20lbs in college and developing a raging case of depression and a uniform of overalls which my mom started hiding in the garage (so I had to lose weight or go naked?). I also have my sorority paddle that I should have spanked myself in the face with.

But my most treasured items are the old notes from friends. I had zero boyfriends in middle school because I was gross and embarassing(see Fitnessgram note above)and also I liked to write a lot of notes about people frenching each other on the bus (that's what I like to refer to as MATURITY) and being friends with the cast of Today's Special on Nickelodeon. In high school, I finally learned how to wear mascara and a lot of my close friends became guys who wrote notes asking for girlfriend advice or about being grounded for failing geometry accompanied by drawings of Beavis and Butthead. I also saved a whole semester's worth of sexual harassment notes from (I believe) the same guy who called me the night before I took the SAT and threatened to rape me in the janitor's closet. I guess I wanted to defend my low score on the math portion with drawings of enormous boobs as evidence.

Being a teenager is rough.

And to help remind me of that, I also saved Julie's Story, a pamphlet from 4th grade all about a girl that gets her period in dance class, complete with tear-away coupon for a free maxipad/tampon sampler set (comes with a guide so you can see which ones have nuts and caramel filling!).

Jan 21, 2009

Jan 20, 2009

BUT WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT IS ON THE CAFETERIA MENU TOMORROW FOR SASHA AND MALIA IS IT ENCHILADA WEDNESDAY OR WHAT

Jan 18, 2009

I can't stop thinking about this show. It's pretty much all I want to watch.

I got 23 trophies and I got my Baby Alive over here and it can talk. When I have a baby I want them to do pageants too 'cause it's really fun. And they get to do what their Mama says.

Has anyone done a study on the average age of mothers who get children under the age of 6 into pageants? Because I think it's somewhere around 65.

And also I want a daughter named Chastity Beltina.

Jan 12, 2009

I’m going to start saying “It’s Balls O’Clock!” whenever I feel like going Wii bowling. (Get it? Because it’s time to go bowling? With balls? And also it sounds more tasteful than shouting “It’s time for balls!” which is something I’m pretty sure I heard on Cinemax once.)

Naturally, I am not witty enough to come up with that phrase on my own and saw it as this funny person’s blog tag.

I just Googled “balls o’clock” to see if it’s some crazy popular saying that I’m just now catching on to much like “Who let the dogs out?! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!” WHICH I HAVE REALLY GOT TO STOP USING IN MY EVERYDAY LEXICON.

Turns out, it’s not a popular phrase. Yet.

But you know what comes up when you Google “balls o’clock”?

Factory Balls 2.

It’s an online game that I feel also has enormous potential to be developed into a late-night Cinemax movie.

I see it as a complicated love story involving someone's balls in a factory as outlined in Factory Balls (the original). And then devolving into a crazy sequel involving revenge and explosions and thinly veiled sexual metaphors. Vin Diesel, please get back to me on this ASAP.

Some ideas for Factory Balls 2:

Factory Balls 2: The Wreckoning
Factory Balls 2: This Time It’s Personal
Factory Balls 2: Tokyo Drift
Factory Balls 2: They’re Back
Factory Balls 2: This Christmas, The Balls Hit The Fan
Factory Balls 2: Bernie May Be Dead, But His Balls Are Still The Life Of The Party!

Jan 9, 2009

Note to self: Your happiness during the work week is NOT dependent upon the opportunity to visit the Sweet Tomatoes salad bar.

Jan 8, 2009

How did I fail to address this week's Gossip Girl? Probably because Blair now has a conscience (yawn) and Serena is (unsurprise!)still trying to not hide her time-to-shine light under a bushel and is back with Dan "My-Whole-Family-Should-Die-in-a-Fiery-Astrovan-Accident-if-Only-People-Drove-Those-Things-in Brooklyn" Humphrey, etc. etc. Chuck, as usual, saved the show in his opium haze of self-indulgence, teetering on a rooftop to scream his name at the heavens because even he knows those burlesque dancers he has in his repurchased nightclub are sooooo 2006. Maybe that's really why he took himself up on the roof. Geez, I reaaaally can't wait to find out all about Blair revenge-boning Uncle Jack Bass on NYE out of spite and how that will effect the oops wait I just fell asleep.
Look, I don't care if court jesters in medieval times were tossing this phrase at hecklers or not. I still think "Hey, I don't go to your job and knock the dick out of your mouth" can stand the test of time.

Jan 7, 2009

I can already tell I'm going to spend an enormous amount of time in 2009 keeping up with this. It's not so much the terrible attempts at self-promotion that attract me as it is the comments:

Don't listen to the haters, Kim! You can do anything you set your mind to. You'll always land on your knees!

Kim your wig needs its own blog. When can we hear your angelic voice again. I bet your wig tries to run away a night so you keep it on a leash. One day it's going to leap off your head onto an open flame to end it's misery.

Nice cameltoe wiggy.

Get rid of that busted-ass dead donkey wig! See you at Chili's!

You have such star quality - like a young Ethel Merman.

You must be in a different poker tournament because you certainly aren't a celebrity. Your wig is, but you aren't.

The only thing better than keeping up with Kim Zolciak's blog would be keeping up wiht NeNe Leakes' blog and her song parodies about Kim being 89 years old.

Jan 6, 2009


If you are going to blog for The New York Times and create a list called The 10 Best American Movies, maybe you shouldn’t include Groundhog Day, you know, for credibility’s sake and all.

Jan 5, 2009

Watched Rock of Love 3 last night and it did not disappoint (HELLO some chick took a test tube shot out of another other chick's vajayjay already and it's DAY 1). I commend the casting agents for again finding large numbers of trollopy women with plastic hair, black eyeshadow and collagen infested faces that somehow all passed their STD screenings. On a scale of 1 to I Feel Like I Need To Take A Chemical Shower After Watching That, I give it a solid 9.5 With A Visit To An Emergency Eyewash Station.