Jan 30, 2009

Overheard at Target this morning:

Letty: Hey, I liked that one movie, you know, with the boys in it that are real good friends.

Raoul: What are you talking about?

Letty: You know. You always say I don't like any movies but this one was real funny. You know what I'm talking about. It's a movie about those two boys having a sleepover and the one boy, he goes, "boop" to the other guy's nose.

Jan 28, 2009

If you tell me this bathroom is NOT an homage to the 1980's lifestyle of a man who smelled like Aramis and did entirely too much blow while secretly beating off to images of James Spader in his Scarface bathroom which also doubled as the scene of several VHS sexcapades, I will call you a liar.

Jan 27, 2009

I wish I had a digital camera with me to provide photographic evidence of the awesomeness that is my childhood bedroom. Seriously, I found all my old sticker books which nearly brought me to tears- stickers of breakdancing holograms, Shirt Tales, Garbage Pail Kids, Pound Puppies, Popples, Keep Corpus Christi Clean! campaign, the Apple IIC, Scratch-n-Sniff tacos and chicken drumsticks giving the thumb's up sign, and on and on. There are seriously thousands of stickers. I blew so many hundreds of dollars on my rubber stamp (emboss things over a lightbulb!) and sticker collections, now collectively worth a grand total of $4.50.

I will also need to devote an entire post to my expansive cassette tape collection, which also includes the 1989 Sing No To Drugs! soundtrack (a gift from your local association of realtors). I've never listened to it but I've put in parentheses what I think the songs are like. Song list includes:

Side 1
Sing no to drugs (party anthem)
Drugs- NO WAY! (too much drum machine)
It's your choice (club mix)
Just say goodbye (good for slow dancing)
The power in you (sung by Levar Burton)

Side 2
I'm no loser (gangsta rap)
Alcohol can harm you (intro)
Knowing is growing (lyrics by Raffi)
The police (outro)
Dreaming (instrumental)

Then there are the fabulous panoramic photos of my 8th grade and 12th grade classes, where half the kids are blurry and the teachers all look homicidal. Plaques from drama tournaments and dance awards. Certificates of honor roll. Fitnessgrams measuring situps, arm hang, mile run, and bodyfat (note: I was 5'7" in 7th grade and only 106lbs with an arm hang of 1 second- I AM A CHAMPION). National Piano Playing Auditions grade sheets (which is amazing since today I can barely play the classic "Take A Look At Me Now" as made popular by one Phil Collins and printed in Today's Best of Color Me Pops, literally a book of sheet music accompanied by pages from a coloring book). A beat up Homecoming crown. Computer camp certificates of completion. NERD ALERT. By some cosmic joke, I got voted Best Looking as my senior superlative, something I coped with by promptly gaining 20lbs in college and developing a raging case of depression and a uniform of overalls which my mom started hiding in the garage (so I had to lose weight or go naked?). I also have my sorority paddle that I should have spanked myself in the face with.

But my most treasured items are the old notes from friends. I had zero boyfriends in middle school because I was gross and embarassing(see Fitnessgram note above)and also I liked to write a lot of notes about people frenching each other on the bus (that's what I like to refer to as MATURITY) and being friends with the cast of Today's Special on Nickelodeon. In high school, I finally learned how to wear mascara and a lot of my close friends became guys who wrote notes asking for girlfriend advice or about being grounded for failing geometry accompanied by drawings of Beavis and Butthead. I also saved a whole semester's worth of sexual harassment notes from (I believe) the same guy who called me the night before I took the SAT and threatened to rape me in the janitor's closet. I guess I wanted to defend my low score on the math portion with drawings of enormous boobs as evidence.

Being a teenager is rough.

And to help remind me of that, I also saved Julie's Story, a pamphlet from 4th grade all about a girl that gets her period in dance class, complete with tear-away coupon for a free maxipad/tampon sampler set (comes with a guide so you can see which ones have nuts and caramel filling!).

Jan 21, 2009

Jan 20, 2009


Jan 18, 2009

I can't stop thinking about this show. It's pretty much all I want to watch.

I got 23 trophies and I got my Baby Alive over here and it can talk. When I have a baby I want them to do pageants too 'cause it's really fun. And they get to do what their Mama says.

Has anyone done a study on the average age of mothers who get children under the age of 6 into pageants? Because I think it's somewhere around 65.

And also I want a daughter named Chastity Beltina.

Jan 12, 2009

I’m going to start saying “It’s Balls O’Clock!” whenever I feel like going Wii bowling. (Get it? Because it’s time to go bowling? With balls? And also it sounds more tasteful than shouting “It’s time for balls!” which is something I’m pretty sure I heard on Cinemax once.)

Naturally, I am not witty enough to come up with that phrase on my own and saw it as this funny person’s blog tag.

I just Googled “balls o’clock” to see if it’s some crazy popular saying that I’m just now catching on to much like “Who let the dogs out?! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!” WHICH I HAVE REALLY GOT TO STOP USING IN MY EVERYDAY LEXICON.

Turns out, it’s not a popular phrase. Yet.

But you know what comes up when you Google “balls o’clock”?

Factory Balls 2.

It’s an online game that I feel also has enormous potential to be developed into a late-night Cinemax movie.

I see it as a complicated love story involving someone's balls in a factory as outlined in Factory Balls (the original). And then devolving into a crazy sequel involving revenge and explosions and thinly veiled sexual metaphors. Vin Diesel, please get back to me on this ASAP.

Some ideas for Factory Balls 2:

Factory Balls 2: The Wreckoning
Factory Balls 2: This Time It’s Personal
Factory Balls 2: Tokyo Drift
Factory Balls 2: They’re Back
Factory Balls 2: This Christmas, The Balls Hit The Fan
Factory Balls 2: Bernie May Be Dead, But His Balls Are Still The Life Of The Party!

Jan 9, 2009

Note to self: Your happiness during the work week is NOT dependent upon the opportunity to visit the Sweet Tomatoes salad bar.

Jan 8, 2009

How did I fail to address this week's Gossip Girl? Probably because Blair now has a conscience (yawn) and Serena is (unsurprise!)still trying to not hide her time-to-shine light under a bushel and is back with Dan "My-Whole-Family-Should-Die-in-a-Fiery-Astrovan-Accident-if-Only-People-Drove-Those-Things-in Brooklyn" Humphrey, etc. etc. Chuck, as usual, saved the show in his opium haze of self-indulgence, teetering on a rooftop to scream his name at the heavens because even he knows those burlesque dancers he has in his repurchased nightclub are sooooo 2006. Maybe that's really why he took himself up on the roof. Geez, I reaaaally can't wait to find out all about Blair revenge-boning Uncle Jack Bass on NYE out of spite and how that will effect the oops wait I just fell asleep.
Look, I don't care if court jesters in medieval times were tossing this phrase at hecklers or not. I still think "Hey, I don't go to your job and knock the dick out of your mouth" can stand the test of time.

Jan 7, 2009

I can already tell I'm going to spend an enormous amount of time in 2009 keeping up with this. It's not so much the terrible attempts at self-promotion that attract me as it is the comments:

Don't listen to the haters, Kim! You can do anything you set your mind to. You'll always land on your knees!

Kim your wig needs its own blog. When can we hear your angelic voice again. I bet your wig tries to run away a night so you keep it on a leash. One day it's going to leap off your head onto an open flame to end it's misery.

Nice cameltoe wiggy.

Get rid of that busted-ass dead donkey wig! See you at Chili's!

You have such star quality - like a young Ethel Merman.

You must be in a different poker tournament because you certainly aren't a celebrity. Your wig is, but you aren't.

The only thing better than keeping up with Kim Zolciak's blog would be keeping up wiht NeNe Leakes' blog and her song parodies about Kim being 89 years old.

Jan 6, 2009

If you are going to blog for The New York Times and create a list called The 10 Best American Movies, maybe you shouldn’t include Groundhog Day, you know, for credibility’s sake and all.

Jan 5, 2009

Watched Rock of Love 3 last night and it did not disappoint (HELLO some chick took a test tube shot out of another other chick's vajayjay already and it's DAY 1). I commend the casting agents for again finding large numbers of trollopy women with plastic hair, black eyeshadow and collagen infested faces that somehow all passed their STD screenings. On a scale of 1 to I Feel Like I Need To Take A Chemical Shower After Watching That, I give it a solid 9.5 With A Visit To An Emergency Eyewash Station.