Feb 26, 2009

Round 2 of “Let’s All Talk About My Childhood Crushes”:

First up is Craig Warnock (Kevin in Time Bandits). He was super adorable and in the greatest movie of all time, hands down (sorry LT, I know how you feel about dwarves). I mean, his parents explode in front of him at the end of the film and he gets to carry around this really great satchel with a map of the universe in it. It is the greatest. But we all know how I feel about Terry Gilliam films in general (they are the greatest).

Next there is Sean Astin (Mikey Walsh in Goonies). I think everyone knows who he is, as he went on to star in the best selling trilogy of homoerotica the world has ever seen. His hair and jean jacket are unrivaled.

And then there is Robby Kiger (Patrick in The Monster Squad).
I liked his pink shirt and sunglasses and the way his voice cracked all the time. His last movie was Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael, another precious VHS tape in my collection featuring my last crush to be reviewed today, Thomas Wilson Brown (Gerald in Roxy Carmichael or perhaps better known as Russ in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids).He had that floppity, butt-cut hair and big blue eyes and now gets bit parts on Walker, Texas Ranger.

Feb 23, 2009

I had a conversation with this person for 10 minutes today. It was not as stimulating as you may think.
And now for the part of the program that I like to call “Shit I Put In My Shopping Cart On HSN”. HSN is the promised land for notables such as Susan Lucci and Tori Spelling. It gives them a second chance to let their true talents shine through the mediums of chandelier earrings and microdermabrasion kits. It also allows Beyonce’s mom (referred to as “Miss Tina”) to dress the public in “…spicy, Creole-inspired silhouettes” which I think means you will look like a sausage, I’m not sure. Paula Abdul uses HSN to promote her surprisingly named Forever Your Girl jewelry line (not surprisingly named), while Tony Little, bless him, is still promoting his various fitness products using the time-honored marketing approach of looking like a female bodybuilder (despite the permed ponytail, he is not, and also his gazelle fitness flyer machine was in our house growing up). This week, my shopping cart contains a badass Loulou de Falaise necklace that I only want so I can bob my hair and pretend to be Isabella Rossellini in Death Becomes Her. Why can't costume jewelry just grow on trees?

Feb 16, 2009

Also weighing heavily on my mind is which song is better:

Okay being an Indian gaming casino tribute entertainer has got to be one of the saddest jobs ever. I mean, really, what kind of person pays money to see a Brooks and Dunn tribute band. Because is there really any difference between that and the real band. People imitating Madonna circa the Blonde Ambition tour or The Blues Brothers are the worst. (Sorry to anyone Googling "i'm-an-indian-casino-performer-depression-sometimes-cry-all-day-alone-need-new-cone-bra"!)

Feb 15, 2009

Top Rated iMix Titles I Am Thinking Of Downloading:

1. Jayne (died of cancer)
2. Going Down Slow
3. This Music is Wonderful.
4. 70's AM Summertime, Vol. 2
5. Juggalo Love
6. In Memory of my Cusin
7. Dat Jesus Muzik

Feb 11, 2009

Have you ever taken a look at the variety of cards accepted at a gas station? QT accepts, like, 25 different cards and half of them are ridiculous. Like the SHAZAM card, for instance, which features a hot pink lightening bolt going through a giant S. WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME SOMEONE'S PITCH TO INVESTORS WENT SOMETHING LIKE, "YES I AM DEVELOPING A NETWORK OF FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS THAT OFFERS ATM SERVICES AND I AM GOING TO NAME IT AFTER A 3,000 YEAR OLD WIZARD FROM A COMIC BOOK THAT GIVES HIS POWERS TO A YOUNG BILLY BATSON SO THAT HE CAN SHOUT HIS NAME TO THE HEAVENS AND THUS BE TRANSFORMED INTO CAPTAIN MARVEL YES THIS WAS DECIDED AFTER HOURS OF DELIBERATION WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT THIS BUSINESS PLAN IS S-O-L-I-D." Don't even make me address Cash XXXPress which has a logo of a unicorn humping a robot (seriously guys, it's right between Tyme is Money and Diner's Club International).

Feb 3, 2009

My 25 Random Things About Me UnTagged List That I Refuse To Post On Facebook But Which Will Kill You If You Do Not Forward To 10 Friends In The Next 7 Minutes:

1. I had to repeat kindergarten. I was moved up half a year early because I could read and differentiate between pennies, dimes and nickles but then I wasn't old enough to start first grade. So I had to repeat it. And was rewarded with a summer trip to computer camp and playing Mary in the nativity play.

2. I do everything in threes or multiples of three. And sometimes I stay in the bathroom too long because I am counting tile patterns and lose track of time.

3. My mom curled my hair everyday until I was a freshman in high school.

4. There are five songs I love listening to on repeat that never get old to me: Battlestations- Wham!, On and On- The Longpigs, Never is a Promise- Fiona Apple, So Cruel- U2 and Pit Stop(take me home)- Lovage. And no, I am not embarassed for myself.

5. My grandma paid for me to have my eyebrows and eyelashes dyed before I went to college. I looked like Bert from Sesame Street when it was over because I had never had my eyebrows plucked and I went home and rubbed Pert on them for several hours because I heard that would remove the dye. It didn't.

6. If I had to name an obsession other than my husband, chicken and wild rice casserole and Hot Tamales, it would be Alice in Wonderland.

7. All my life I have gotten really bad nosebleeds. I'm talking bad. The kind that last for 30 minutes with giant clots of blood mucus spilling out.

8. When I was little, I would get my sister to do things for me by saying, "I'll be your best friend and I will build you a tent in your room. Just rub my back while I take a nap and dream about what the tent will be like." And then 85% of the time I would never build the tent but would kick her in the stomach for an unrelated reason.

9. My favorite school years were 1st - 4th grade, 8th grade and 11th grade. Mostly because I liked my school outfits and hair.

10. All of my celebrity crushes are on really unattractive funny people or musicians with raging heroin addictions.

11. The end of Reality Bites makes me really emotional.

12. Sometimes I worry about how much I am not worried about my complete lack of self-discipline.

13. I think I got a school bus driver fired in 4th grade. I have never resolved my feelings about that. But I'm pretty sure she deserved it.

14. I am crazy in love with my husband and I look up to him more than he knows. Everything about him makes me incredibly happy and positive.

15. I am terrified of aliens breaking into my bedroom at night.

16. I can't deal with the texture of paper towels or construction paper. I used to lick a lot of stuff when I was younger and I can never get the taste of those textures out of my mind.

17. I love smelling books. Sometimes I lose my place when I'm reading because I am sniffing my book too much.

18. My dream job would be a part-time used bookstore owner, part-time back-up dancer for Britney and a part-time novelist.

19. I am terrible at math.

20. I used to record myself singing The Greatest Love of All real quietly into my boombox over and over in 2nd grade which required me to lay flat on the carpet and hide behind my twin bed.

21. I have picked off or bitten my nails my entire life. Only twice have I ever let them grow long.

22. One time I fed our dog a paper towel. When he died of leukemia several years later, I thought it was because of the paper towel.

23. When I was 13, my sister was 9 and my brother was 6, that song The Power was real popular. My sister and I used to sing it and told my brother that "I've got the power" meant "I've got a vagina" and that he couldn't sing it because boys didn't have the power. This made him sad so we had to pretend that he could say "I've got the magic" because "magic" meant penis. To this day we say, "Girls have the power, and boys have the magic."

24. There is not one single time that I went to confession and didn't lie to the priest.

25. I sometimes drink Fat Tire for dinner.

Oceanchum never disappoints. I've watched this video like eight times. There are so many reasons I love it. The boys group dancing in a high school parking lot. The video effects. That guy dancing in front of a crime scene. That other guy dancing on a slow moving vehicle. But mostly, it makes me want to dance. Oh good, they have a phone number for bookings.