Mar 27, 2009

I just watched a 5 minute clip of a little girl eulogizing her dead fish .

"You're going down the toilet with Marlond again" is going to be the title of my first book.

Mar 24, 2009

Oh wait. Back it up, mortification train. I did have a senior photo. But I didn't pass it around to anyone because I looked like I was 45. This fancy ladies' clothing store had what they termed a "Teen Board" that you had to apply to be a part of and one of the perks was a photo shoot in one of their outfits that they picked out for you. Mine happened to be whatever they had leftover after dressing all of the other better looking, super skinny girls who actually spent money in the store (I did not). I ended up with some equestrian-style outfit complete with red woolen vest with black velvet trim and a white puffy sleeved blouse with neckerchief when what I hoped to get was a simple black turtleneck with a cropped denim vest over it and an ankle length herringbone skirt. And a necklace of silver beads. And some oversized silver cross earrings. But I didn't.

OMG you guys, this Teen Board business. I'm not even sure if the store is in business anymore, probably because how many trunk shows can you have featuring red pique mock-tennis dresses and cuffed woolen houndstooth trousers with Brighton belts modeled by 17 year olds before someone tries to run themselves over with their green and tan Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer, you know? To become a member you had to be in high school, fill out an application and then be interviewed by the store owner and a few of the outgoing Teen Board members. They asked questions like, "Where do you like to shop?" and "If you could tell one person you loved them today, who would it be?" I guess the correct answers were "Finer women's clothing boutiques such as your store and also Harold's" and "Jesus". I gave neither of these answers and actually broke down and cried in the middle of it for unrelated reasons, but they took me anyway. Probably for diversity. Because I couldn't afford to shop there.

Once you were selected for membership on the board, you had to work a certain number of hours a month in the store where you weren't paid but earned store credit toward the purchase of overpriced and age-inappropriate items such as alligator loafers or cocktail dresses. And you had to participate in at least one fashion show where the Teen Board members all gathered together to invite boys from their respective high schools to be escorts down the runway which meant they had to try to show up not drunk and wearing khaki pants with white oxford shirts and ties. And then everyone's moms showed up to the fashion show to size up each other's Dooney & Bourke purses and buy the outfits their daughters modeled.

And it's not like the girls on the board were terrible or anything. Most of them were just girls who wanted to add it to their high school resumes to pump up the volunteerism portion that usually just said something like Humane Society dog walker or Sang at assisted living facility during Christmas with Bible study class.

I did learn the proper way to model walk though. Which entails lightly grazing your middle finger against your thigh and squeezing your butt cheeks together as if holding in a dime. Why anyone would know what holding a dime in their butt cheeks feels like is a mystery to me, man.
Hey, you guys. Remember senior portraits? Where you got to pose with props that you thought reflected your most inner self at age 18 like miniature white Grecian pillars draped in soft fabric and kittens? And if you grew up in Texas you thought posing in a blue denim workshirt from the Gap would make the photo even more timeless? Good times. I never actually had an official senior portrait. My mom just went outside and took some close-up photos of me standing near some bushes by the garage.

Dehumidifier just posted the best run-down on senior photography.

Mar 19, 2009

According to site stats, a lot of people at NASA are busy Googling photos of Kenny Fucking Powers and NOT checking to make sure somebody hasn't stolen the O-rings off the space shuttle.

Mar 18, 2009

Constipation solution #32: Eat 2/3 of a can of beans.
I wish i lived in Chicago so I could call in to Mel T's radio show and harass her. For now I can only harass her on FB about her illiteracy and addiction to Native American psychedlic drugs. And the time I went to Chicago with friends and saw a quote from her on a city billboard about blowjobs and was all I KNEW HER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Mar 17, 2009

If you are not following Kenny Fucking Powers on Twitter, you will probably not get fingered on the back of a jetski by the most awesome athlete of all time:

A man knows he's found his true third soulmate when she's willing to jerk him off on a roller coaster. Remember this shit, girls.


Looking on the ebay for a new SCREAM mask...Mine's got some fucking stains on it or some shit

A fan asks "KP, you ever stuck it to a midget?" and the answer to that is, YES & it was some of the best hot air balloon sex I've ever had.

Mar 11, 2009

I will really feel left out in this life if I do not create at least one music video. It doesn't even have to be a good one. Just something that could make it on one of those little TVs in the teen department at Dillard's or something. You know, on that station that plays videos of people you've never really heard of but there's lots of dancing and low expectations for quality. One of those videos. I just want to change my clothes a bunch of times and have a slow motion sequence where I'm shot from behind walking on some train tracks. Maybe in black and white. And I want at least one of the outfits to be a colored t-shirt tucked into some baggy pants with suspenders and high top Chucks. Which I will wear in my dance routine where I am also wearing a bowler hat and white gloves. And I want lasers.

Mar 9, 2009

I'm either going to name my kid "Bonus Jonas" or something from For the Love of Ray J.

Above: Bonus Jonas

Above: Caviar with her donkey, Hot Cocoa
It's the middle of the afternoon and I am already home. Because I am exhausted from the anxiety of maneuvering an enormous van in the parking lot at work this morning.

Mar 8, 2009

Popeye's Chicken is now following me on Twitter. I have reached my zenith.

Mar 4, 2009

Ode to Bret Michaels

Oh, how we loved thee.
I'd like to remember you the way you were...
Aggressive, combative
Always trying to fight your reflection
(But maybe that was our fault for putting your aquarium in front of a mirror next to equally reflective bottles of alcohol)
And not the sad, shell of a fish you became...
With pinecone scales
Likely the result of some disease called "Dropsy" that I found on a Beta fish chatroom
You were purchased at a PetSmart
My friend during the NFL combine
I showered you with a discount aquarium for children I bought at Wal-Mart along with various accessories like that treasure chest that blew bubbles that I broke one time but you still liked to sleep in
You didn't judge me
You didn't talk to me
You sometimes just slept all day and that's when I should have known you were sick
But I didn't because I left on Christmas vacation and didn't turn the heat on so that it was 56 degrees in the house and when I came back I was too busy to notice
And I just kept feeding you
Because I hoped one day you would angrily attack your food the way you used to
But you never did
You just floated at the top
Or at the bottom
Not doing much of anything
Probably thinking about whatever fish think about
Which maybe has something to do with the current economic situation
Or Britney Spears' recent comeback
I don't really know
I'm not a rocket scientist and I got D's in economics in college
And my husband wanted to euthanize you in the toilet
Probably in the broken one where you have to jiggle the handle or else it won't stop running
But I fought for your dignity
And today I almost went to PetSmart to buy some medicinal tablets that I read about in that chatroom
But then I had a terrible day at work and decided I would just put you to sleep in the freezer
Sandwiched in between some ice trays and Lean Cuisine panini sandwiches that I never should have bought but there was a good deal at the Safeway that I couldn't pass up
But I did put some steam-in-a-bag corn up there for ambiance
I know you can't see it
Because I encased you in an opaque container of Shamrock Farms low-fat cottage cheese
But I ate the cottage cheese and washed out the container because I didn't know if you were lactose intolerant
And I didn't want you to have Dropsy and diarrhea
You got me through another combine
And I thank you for that
Even though this time you were sick and it made me angry because I just thought you were being sullen about the heat not being on in December and come on, that was like 2 months ago get over it already
And I want to go check on you right now to see if you're dead yet and I know that's morbid
But you know I'll do it tomorrow morning anyway
Probably I'll wake up at 3am to pee or drink some water and I might do it then
It depends on how tired I am
And I'm not sure what to do after you have frozen inside the water in that container because I can't flush you down the toilet now and I can't dig deep enough in the back yard to bury you
So I guess you'll just go out with the trash on Friday
But I'll make sure you're wrapped up in the cottage cheese container inside your own trash bag
Maybe I won't use a 99 Cent Store bag and I'll put you in one from CVS
You deserve as much
Thank you for being a friend.

I've never wanted to get felt up on the back of a jet ski so badly in my life.

Things I hope happen when we move back to TX:

1) We get a giant metal lone star decoration to hang on the front of the house.
2) I begin to wear entirely too many Brighton accessories.
3) We immediately put a UT Longhorn sticker on the back of our car.
4) I hit a deer with my car, get out and shoot it with the rifle in my Corolla's gun rack, and then have it mounted in the back of my car.
5) My husband refuses to wear any shoes other than Red Wing boots with his Wranglers and starched shirt.
6) You can see my husband's 12-inch King Ranch wallet sticking out of his back pocket at all times.
7) I don't kill myself.
8) My morning meal each day consists soley of Taco Cabana potato and egg breakfast tacos.
9) We religiously attend high school 5A football games and learn a dance routine to the band's drum cadence.
10) We get shamed for being Jewish.
11) We have five kids named Lone Star, Oil Baron, South Padre, Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom and Remember the Alamo.

I can tell this is shaping up to be a great idea! (This really is a great idea. I am just adjusting to the shock of it all is all.)

Mar 3, 2009

Another day, another person smoking weed in the Port-A-John.