Aug 28, 2009

Do you know what it's like to get up to pee for the 8th time at 3am and you're so tired all you can do is slump over onto your knees so you can rest your head in your hands but then someone kicks you in the vagina?

Aug 22, 2009

Old Favorites


The Heavenly Kid


Modern Girls


Haunted Honeymoon


Maid to Order


Cloak and Dagger


D.A.R.Y.L.


Once Bitten

Aug 11, 2009

Have you ever bought giant cheap underwear at Wal-Mart and then come home to wash and try them on and realize they're not giant enough and then cried about it while watching Chain Gang Girls 2 on WE?

Aug 7, 2009

Hm. I thought if you were marrying a magic carpet ride you'd refer to it in the feminine. I guess that shows my closed-mindedness.

*photo courtesy of www.telegraph.co.uk

Aug 6, 2009

You know what all the cool kids are doing? Shaving their eyebrows with an As-Seen-On-TV product they bought last night at 10pm at the CVS around the corner along with a pack of gum and some Clorox wipes.

Aug 5, 2009


I like the older lady in the back in the red hotpants and bangs who looks like she's not quite catching on and is in the middle of the robot. And the girl in the yellow spors bra that is clearly off-count AND trying to do the tootsie-roll.

Aug 3, 2009

To the girl engaged to the Jonas brother that looks like Gene Shalit: probably not necessary to wear a shirt that says Mrs. Kevin Jonas II. I don't think anyone is going after that Jonas. Because that's like saying you're engaged to the oldest Hanson brother.

Aug 1, 2009

True Stories* of the Rural Police Blotter (July Edition)

*Seriously, this is word-for-word from the local newspaper

7/13
7:41am – Third call for cow in the road.
8:27am – Caller attempting to call Spain this morning dialed 911 by mistake.
11:19am – Trapped raccoon.
9:18pm – Report of harassment on Friendship Drive, maybe we need to rename the street.
10:50pm – Caller came home to find ex-husband took all her clothes and other items. Just helping to move or cross dresser.

7/15
2:17am – Report of seven subjects with a couple of bats looking for a fight.
8:02am – Caller has vicious raccoon trapped.
9:24am – Baby raccoon on back porch.
11:57am – Property manager reporting burglary of an apartment by a 12 year old male. Way to usher in adulthood.
3:01pm – Need a trap for a porcupine.

7/16
8:44am – Verbal fight reported between two ladies. Man trying to break it up. Must be a sale.
1:34pm – Reporting a six-pack stolen.
6:09pm – Bicycle ran into parked car, injured. Airlife enroute.
8:18pm – Elderly man is very tired not reckless driver.
10:28pm – Swerving 18-wheeler just tired not intoxicated.

7/17
1:31am – Unable to locate group of kids reported to be up to no good in cul de sac.
11:15am – Voucher given to a gentleman needing assistance with another night’s stay.
2:18pm – Unable to locate large goat loose.
5:48pm – Assisted EMS with lady with tingling swollen tongue.
9:02pm –Man got some type of cleaner in eyes.
9:03pm – Caller reported suspicious black VW cruising neighborhood which had skedaddled by the time officer arrived.

7/18
5:21pm – Grocery cart versus Honda incident.
4:42pm – Caller following a real old weak dog. Dog returned to owner.

7/19
7:05am – Caller concerned about a kitten with bloody eyes.
7:07am – Caller reported chocolate Labrador with green collar loitering around the neighborhood. Officer could not locate the dog.
10:09am – Unable to locate horse with saddle running on road.
11:27am – Caller was advised by a neighbor that an officer visited his house and wanted to know why. Well Sherlock here’s your citation.
1:44pm – An employee was using inappropriate language at drive thru window. Apologized to patron. That looks good on your references.
6:39pm – Unable to locate Toyota Prius going 100mph. That’s not even possible.

7/20
12:-00pm – Caller reporting dogs in chicken pen having a snack.
12:04pm – Caller worried about strange text messages from friend, she is just back at divorce court.
3:55pm – Caller needs advice about prescription drugs that never came in the mail.
6:06pm – Guy wanting to know what police were at his house for was given a citation for not appearing for jury duty. Sometimes they just come calling

7/21
8:36am – Following up on a report of an animal bite, officer had to converse with the victim’s husband as the victim wasn’t in the mood to chat. Husband reported that wife was unaware of their pet cat sleeping beside her and rolled over. The cat retaliated by biting the wife on her left arm. Officer checked out the cat and the wife and reported that both appeared normal.
10:18am – Caller fooled into a scam involving money grams advised not to open any bank accounts for this online company.
5:26pm – Red Tahoe driving erratically taking pictures with cell phone of people driving by and has crazy curly hair.
11:58pm – Talking couple parked near bank.

7/22
2:41am – Officer stopped guy that was just washing his car after eating at Whataburger.
11:13am – Caller reported a snake taking a dip in her swimming pool. Officer captured and released non-poisonous snake back into the wild.
5:45pm – Dysfunctional oven helps family re-think dinner plans; volunteer fire dept. and police respond to call.
8:09pm – Another sighting of the renegade chocolate lab with green collar.
9:12pm – The transient drinking a beer agreed to pour it out and move on.
11:22pm – Female stating she was afraid of the guys at Sonic who stole her Rebel flag from vehicle. Guys said it was a joke.
11:37pm – Guy in flag stealing incident found to have been consuming and in possession of alcohol. Who’s laughing now?

7/23
2:45am – When given choice of citation or calling parents the two female juveniles contacted their parents.

7/24
12:30pm – Officer investigates report of a shooting of a city limits sign. Upon inspection the officer reported a 6 inch pattern of buck shot holes. The sign is expected to make a full recovery.
1:51pm – Officer assists motorists in recovery of a $50 bill which had flown out the window.

7/25
7:05pm – Officer responded to the location of a 911 hang-up and witnessed domestic discord involving alcohol and a fall off the wagon.