We done gone moved ourselves to TX. On the drive, I ate at Dairy Queen 2 days in a row with no apologies (to myself). I instead chose to exercise my restraint on purchasing kachina dolls and moccasins with bald eagles emblazoned on them. And I had the pleasure of peeing in a bathroom where if I stood at the sink and angled myself just right I could look directly into the eyes of a man pulling the lever on a slot machine. What I can't believe is that we are here and we are not leaving because our new home is here and our cars are here and there is someone else living in our old house already so we can't go back. This is not a holiday vacation where we'll be catching a flight out in four days after I'm covered in mosquito bites and reeling from a bad case of cedar fever. Already it is humid here and the power went out last night, two lasting memories I have from childhood growing up here that have already reared their heads our first night back. But there are green trees and grass and breakfast tacos galore and I think everything is going to be alright. My little brother gets a shoutout for driving 8 hours yesterday with me, writing a school paper last night and then flying back to work this morning at 8am and my little sister gets nothing because she is the middle child.

So this guy is totally a sex offender and is probably performing sexual battery out of frame the whole time during this video but you have to watch this, guys. He also has a video of himself shirtless and scratching himself with a toilet brush. As usual, Videogum has burned an image into my brain, the negative effects of which can only be abated by me sharing it with all of you.



Gabe and Lindsay have a fight about whether or not everyone is a pervert on YouTube (they are, clearly).

I watched Twilight with some girlfriends last night and oh man was that ever horrible. I just couldn't let myself like it because I hated everyone in it and the acting was terrible and the story was rigodamndiculous. I really hated that gay Asian kid. Man was he annoying. And can someone teach Kristen Stewart to act with her mouth closed? Is there a school for that? She can enroll with Tara Reid. Why did all the Cullens wear lipstick all the time? And what was going on with the peroxided hairdos? And why is a love story between two 17 year olds supposed to be magical? Look, you are borderline retarded when you are 17 (unless you are this girl when you are 17 because she needs like a MacArthur Genius Grant right now and she is only 13). You are so borderline retarded at 17 that even if you thought you had fallen the deepest in love with your stupid 17 year old boyfriend that anyone has ever fallen in love in the history of the world including surpassing all of Liz Taylor's passionate love affairs and also Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost you would still also claim to have fallen the deepest in love of all time ever OMG ever to like infiniti times bazillion with a bad actor representing a fictionalized portrayal of love in a movie. That is how retarded you are at 17. So watching a movie based on some 17 year old girl that meets a guy in science class and decides they are so totally meant to be and magical because he stares at her and wears lipstick and because she is someone that nobody would ever love because she never smiles and her mouth is also always hanging open and because when you are 17 you have reached the apex of maturity and that is when all of your major decisions should be made in your life with finality is a really terrible story idea.

Today is my 3rd to last day in a town I really like. And you know how I have spent the past few days saying a sentimental good-bye to it? By going to TJ MAXX 6 times.

Okay, tell me truthfully. How bad is it to call in sick on your last day of work? Should I just go in? It has taken me over 2 hours to wake up, shower and sit on the edge of my bed in a towel and check perezhilton while talking to a small dog. His name is JJ. Or JayJay, as I like to think of him. And if I come in late I'm going to have to come in with donuts or something to show why I didn't come in until 1pm (I COULDN'T REMEMBER IF DONNA LIKED THE BEAR CLAWS OR THE MAPLE GLAZED! IT TOOK ME 3 HOURS TO THINK ABOUT IT!). And now my hair has dried itself into a cone shape. What do you think, JayJay? Don't walk away when I'm talking to you. Oh, one more thing. A quote from the book I'm reading (which I don't suggest you read if you have recently been laid off or more specifically laid off from some sort of advertising agency).

"So she says to me," he says to us, "'I see you put Tom's bookshelves back.' So I act totally ignorant, I say, 'I'm sorry, I don't know what it is you're talking about,' and I go back to cleaning my desk, but she's not leaving, so I look up again and she says, 'And I see you no longer have his chair, either.' So I say, 'I would appreciate you not harassing me anymore. There are rules against that in the employee handbook.' And she says, 'You think I'm harassing you?' And I say, 'Yes. And I don't appreciate it.' And she says, 'Well, maybe we should take it up with Lynn.' And I say, 'I would welcome that,' and she says, 'What are you doing right now?' and I say, 'Well, unlike some people, I'm trying to get some work done. Some people actually generate revenue around here, you handjob.'"

Two things. I did my two exit interviews for work today and they were liberating. My co-worker's hissing cockroach has an egg sack it poops out its butt and then sucks back in.

I wish I looked like this today (thanks, gofugyourself). But instead I am wearing a dress I have not only worn 3 days straight but have also slept in for 2 nights. I am also vomiting up orange juice and continuing on with a splitting allergy/sinus migraine that has been nonstop for 2 days now. And also my ear is aching and I almost collapsed in not my shower only to stumble to not my bed. This pseudo-homeless business is for the birds.

Another city I could possibly move to in the future:

More Ways You Know You Are Living With 2 Dudes:

1. Gatorade athletic towels in the bathroom
2. Old Spice bodywash
3. The plastic is still wrapped around the lampshades
4. All drinkware has beer logos
5. Empty bottles of Cutty Sark on the top of the fridge
6. Dishrags smell like mildew
7. Dancing with the Stars is still on
8. At least one person is always sitting in a dark room playing a video game and wearing enormous headphones

I am eating organic mac and cheese with a plastic knife right now.

I wanted to devote some time to showing all y'all exactly which items I would like to purchase from the (unauthorized?) Michael Jackson estate auction but you're really better served just going straight here and taking a looksee for your own selves. They had me at statue of him as a California Raisin. Still, the silver simulated robotic head MJ used when dressed as a robot in his Moonwalker video to defeat drug dealer Joe Pesci (WTF? Why don't I remember this.)looks promising.

I've never been a M*A*S*H fan. I'm sure I'm supposed to like it because it had the world's most watched TV finale and was about fucking Vietnam but it was about fucking Vietnam. And I was 8. M*A*S*H was the show that signaled it was time to turn off the TV. I'd get off the school bus, make a bowl of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream with Hershey's sauce, watch the end of Laverne and Shirley, then Diff'rent Strokes came on, Three's Company was in there somewhere, and then I'd see the opening sequence to M*A*S*H with the helicopter and that terrible music and was like, "Oh, I guess I'll go play with My Little Ponies now when I'd rather keep watching Jack's antics at the Regal Beagle."

Thanks to the shitty TV channel choices I'm currently suffering, I actually watched M*A*S*H last night. And yeah, I'm sure if you're the type to watch ER because of George Clooney and that bald guy from Revenge of the Nerds, then you probably enjoyed drooling over Hawkeye and Trapper back in the day. But I think the show would have been so much better with a time machine and a few substitutions. For example:

Radar

Should have been replaced with

Cuba Gooding Jr's Radio

and

Maxwell Q. Klinger

Should have been replaced with

Tim Curry's Dr. Frank-N-Furter

and

The helicopter

Should have been replaced with

Transformers' Voyager Blackout

You're welcome, Hollywood.

WHOA. Watch your penis holes, dudes.

Why is it that whenever I want to watch River Monsters: Searching for the Goonch, a man-eating species of catfish found in the foothills of the Himalayas I can't because the only channels I get are featuring ANTM or That's So Raven?

At the temporary pad having a salad and watching Maury. Antwan just said that Vanessa had sex in the back of a car in exchange for some chicken so baby Kanye can't be his. That girl is nasty!

Wow, you guys. Rose just got felt up by her dentist. This is her best episode since she thought she had AIDS. SPREAD THE FEAR, 1990.

We're crashing temporarily in a really nice pad with the worst television channels you can imagine. It's like each night we have to choose between either whatever covered-wagon-with-pioneers love story is on the Hallmark Channel or the George Lopez Show. Thank Shatner for the Golden Girls or else we'd spend the hours of 8pm to 11pm crying. Here's what's on at my place, everyone:

Betty, la Fea (This one is great, obvs.)
The King of Queens (I'm always about 5 seconds from choking myself with my own bare hands when this is on.)
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (Raven Simone!)
The World's Funniest Moments (Note: Not the world's funniest moments and also hosted by Arsenio Hall.)
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Go back in time and tell your 14 year old self you'd be better served watching Family Matters. Srsly.)
Way too many shows featuring Martin Mull in a guest starring role (You know, the poor man's Ed Begley Jr.)

Welcome to the decor of my new home

Hello, I'd like to take a few precious moments today to tell you about the decor of my new home which, surprisingly, also includes a Precious Moments figurine celebrating the selection of decor for a new home. Perhaps you will get a better idea of my taste after watching this video (via Videogum):



I am particularly drawn to sunflower motifs, ceramic cannisters, adding angel wings to various animals such as bears and ducks, mauve and hunter green accented floral paintings and Oak Liquidators furniture.