True Stories* of the Rural Police Blotter (July Edition)

*Seriously, this is word-for-word from the local newspaper

7/13
7:41am – Third call for cow in the road.
8:27am – Caller attempting to call Spain this morning dialed 911 by mistake.
11:19am – Trapped raccoon.
9:18pm – Report of harassment on Friendship Drive, maybe we need to rename the street.
10:50pm – Caller came home to find ex-husband took all her clothes and other items. Just helping to move or cross dresser.

7/15
2:17am – Report of seven subjects with a couple of bats looking for a fight.
8:02am – Caller has vicious raccoon trapped.
9:24am – Baby raccoon on back porch.
11:57am – Property manager reporting burglary of an apartment by a 12 year old male. Way to usher in adulthood.
3:01pm – Need a trap for a porcupine.

7/16
8:44am – Verbal fight reported between two ladies. Man trying to break it up. Must be a sale.
1:34pm – Reporting a six-pack stolen.
6:09pm – Bicycle ran into parked car, injured. Airlife enroute.
8:18pm – Elderly man is very tired not reckless driver.
10:28pm – Swerving 18-wheeler just tired not intoxicated.

7/17
1:31am – Unable to locate group of kids reported to be up to no good in cul de sac.
11:15am – Voucher given to a gentleman needing assistance with another night’s stay.
2:18pm – Unable to locate large goat loose.
5:48pm – Assisted EMS with lady with tingling swollen tongue.
9:02pm –Man got some type of cleaner in eyes.
9:03pm – Caller reported suspicious black VW cruising neighborhood which had skedaddled by the time officer arrived.

7/18
5:21pm – Grocery cart versus Honda incident.
4:42pm – Caller following a real old weak dog. Dog returned to owner.

7/19
7:05am – Caller concerned about a kitten with bloody eyes.
7:07am – Caller reported chocolate Labrador with green collar loitering around the neighborhood. Officer could not locate the dog.
10:09am – Unable to locate horse with saddle running on road.
11:27am – Caller was advised by a neighbor that an officer visited his house and wanted to know why. Well Sherlock here’s your citation.
1:44pm – An employee was using inappropriate language at drive thru window. Apologized to patron. That looks good on your references.
6:39pm – Unable to locate Toyota Prius going 100mph. That’s not even possible.

7/20
12:-00pm – Caller reporting dogs in chicken pen having a snack.
12:04pm – Caller worried about strange text messages from friend, she is just back at divorce court.
3:55pm – Caller needs advice about prescription drugs that never came in the mail.
6:06pm – Guy wanting to know what police were at his house for was given a citation for not appearing for jury duty. Sometimes they just come calling

7/21
8:36am – Following up on a report of an animal bite, officer had to converse with the victim’s husband as the victim wasn’t in the mood to chat. Husband reported that wife was unaware of their pet cat sleeping beside her and rolled over. The cat retaliated by biting the wife on her left arm. Officer checked out the cat and the wife and reported that both appeared normal.
10:18am – Caller fooled into a scam involving money grams advised not to open any bank accounts for this online company.
5:26pm – Red Tahoe driving erratically taking pictures with cell phone of people driving by and has crazy curly hair.
11:58pm – Talking couple parked near bank.

7/22
2:41am – Officer stopped guy that was just washing his car after eating at Whataburger.
11:13am – Caller reported a snake taking a dip in her swimming pool. Officer captured and released non-poisonous snake back into the wild.
5:45pm – Dysfunctional oven helps family re-think dinner plans; volunteer fire dept. and police respond to call.
8:09pm – Another sighting of the renegade chocolate lab with green collar.
9:12pm – The transient drinking a beer agreed to pour it out and move on.
11:22pm – Female stating she was afraid of the guys at Sonic who stole her Rebel flag from vehicle. Guys said it was a joke.
11:37pm – Guy in flag stealing incident found to have been consuming and in possession of alcohol. Who’s laughing now?

7/23
2:45am – When given choice of citation or calling parents the two female juveniles contacted their parents.

7/24
12:30pm – Officer investigates report of a shooting of a city limits sign. Upon inspection the officer reported a 6 inch pattern of buck shot holes. The sign is expected to make a full recovery.
1:51pm – Officer assists motorists in recovery of a $50 bill which had flown out the window.

7/25
7:05pm – Officer responded to the location of a 911 hang-up and witnessed domestic discord involving alcohol and a fall off the wagon.

Do you know how much immense pleasure can be derived from writing with a pencil? It is lightweight and erases your mistakes with a fair amount of ease. It also makes you feel 6 years old. The only reason I still enjoy typing anymore is because of the clickclack noise but pens can suck it. You know who uses pencils? People with important things to do. People who use math on a daily basis. People who need to make edits on papers for other people. Piano teachers. You can make your writing as precise as you want to. Just sharpen the point. Or dull it out into a soft nub. Whatever you want to do. You can chew on it and sometimes this is also satisfactory. A whole package of 100 pencils only costs five cents.

You know what is going to save the world? Universal love of rocket ships and space exploration.

A second season of Toddlers and Tiaras THANK GOD.

Her hair smelled like friendship and incontinence.

Songs to Brush Your Cat to:

Isn't She Lovely
Havin' a Roni
Brass in Pocket
If I Had a Hammer
Anything by Huey Lewis and the News
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Man in the Mirror (too soon?)

My 2 Favorite Made-for-TV Movies:

Who is Julia?
Two young womens lives are changed forever in one moment. A strikingly beautiful and wealthy woman is hit by a truck and is all smashed up and nearly killed. At nearly the same time, a very plain looking lower middle class woman simply faints and suffers brain death. The beautiful womans brain is fine, so, doctors merely transplant her brain into plain Jane. Problems ensue when plain Janes husband continues to believe she is still his wife. She has no memory of him, and goes to live with the beautiful womans husband. She doesn't mix well with her new socialite friends and family. Mirrors are emotional battlefields as well. ~ courtesy of IMDB

Paper Dolls


It is a real shame that I can find neither video clips from Who is Julia? or a plot summary for Paper Dolls (the TV movie with Darryl Hannah and Alexandra Paul- not to be confused with the TV series).

I am updating my bday wish list to include Pentec medium point pens (both black and blue ink) and VHS copies of these two fine productions.

I missed another party last night because of the TV. The first time it happened I skipped my sorority formal because the premiere of Walking with Dinosaurs was on. Last night I blame Beowulf.

Small town local paper news footage:

Online homepage: featuring video of Boston Massacre re-enactment using high school students and an emcee
Calendar of events: months of July and August featuring 2 events only: ladies Bible study (meet at the Baptist church at 7pm each Tuesday) and obesity surgery support group
Front page headline: feature article on big turnout to purchase high school football magazine
Recipe section: featuring article on how to explore world cuisine with what’s already in your pantry, take raisins for instance
Business section: Merle Norman grand opening this weekend