Oct 13, 2011

It is decidedly un-American to NOT have a barn with smoked meats hanging from the rafters at all times.

Please tell me someone in this godforsaken dreamland time that rejects my attempts at getting at least 2 consecutive hours of sleep a night is also awake and that you're also watching RFD TV.  And that you like to leave the TV on all night tuned to RFD TV with the volume way down because no matter what time your eyelids are not closing there is always good programming on about equine emotions or Michigan's latest farm updates or some show featuring Crystal Gayle and the Oakridge Boys. And that you like the comfort of knowing that you can catch a glimpse of something not Zumba or Wen hair care or acne related in the wee small hours.  And that your favorite show is Country's Family Reunion because of all the bad jokes and rocking chairs filled with people who seem like their past times all involve jam jars and ham hocks.  And how your second favorite show is hosted by a Hee Haw puppet.

Aug 5, 2011

Like, dog bark Randy or Michael's Randy?

Favorite subject line to hit my inbox this week:

Randy Jackson, Kenny Rogers, The Pointer Sisters and Joe Cocker in Concert!

*Unfortunately, these are all separate shows. But imagine if they weren't !!!!!!!!!! (insert a bajillion more question marks and exclamation points here)

Jul 15, 2011

Add musicianship to also beating us in math.

I don't know how you train kids to do this stuff. Maybe you threaten them with getting lit on fire.

I feel like Disney could just bolt these kids into the It's A Small World ride and nobody would notice.

May 27, 2011

Junk I'm looking at on my desk right now:

Lionel Richie Dancing on the Ceiling CD
Mexican ornaments such as this multicolored tin rooster that will probably give me tetanus someday
This book I got from 1983 kindergarten graduation called What is a Christian? that starts off on the first page with an illustration of a boy in overalls and these words: Jesus is my friend. But He is more than my friend. I belong to Jesus. Jesus sounds like he lured that boy into his car with candy.

May 23, 2011

I don't even know where one would go to purchase suntan pantyhose these days.

I wonder how many of these convention attendees are going to bone each other. I'm sure these ladies didn't get their toenails French manicured for nothing. There are entirely too many daiquiris being drunk here. Why am I still seeing zebra print bikinis everywhere? Why is every woman getting off an elevator drinking a glass of white wine? Why do all the convention ladies look like that Vicki lady on Real Housewives of O.C.?  At least one of these ladies is going to bone that guy wearing the Ricoh's office products golf shirt.

May 13, 2011

Realistically, this pose only occurs in middle school when 3 or more girls need to walk through the mall/buy a tray lunch at school/visit a waterpark.

Image credit: Bob D'Amico/ABC

I'm sorry, but this Charlie's Angels reboot promo photo is a ponytail, pair of boyshorts and one tank top shy of looking like a tampon/acne cleansing commercial. Judging strictly from what I see here, I fully expect there to be lots of bike riding in capris and flat lace-up canvas shoes, dancing in a bathroom/jumping on a bed while simulating singing into a hairbrush, and lots of collapsing on couches while smiling and eating cups of yogurt.

May 6, 2011

I can't believe Schlotzsky's does not figure prominently in more of my dreams.

Marisa Tomei's Holiday Sleigh
Queen Elizabeth
The David Letterman Show
Perez Hilton's Celebrity Cruise Ship
Angel Food Muffins
A Hungry Mogwai in a Backpack
Adrianne Curry and her Baby at a Karl Lagerfeld Fashion Show on Perez Hilton's Celebrity Cruise Ship
Sorority Girls Chanting the Seven Deadly Sins in Cheer Form
A High School Teachers' Parking Lot

Anything is possible in dreams when you're pregnant. Note to self: vegetable biryani and marshmallows are not a good idea at 9pm.

Apr 30, 2011

Good to know.

Cornelius Vanderbilt's second wife was named Frank Armstrong Crawford.

Always turn the light on.

I'll tell you something that's not good to think about or else you'll obsess over it: a toilet bowl full of scorpions. Which I'm pretty sure is part of the next Saw movie where you have to cut your butt off to escape or something. I don't know exactly how those movies work.

Apr 27, 2011


If you've ever questioned how Nielsen ratings keep things like King of Queens on the air but contribute to the cancellation of Arrested Development or whatever (or thankfully The Paul Reiser Show), it's partially because my parents' DVR queue has 22 Laurel and Hardy episodes recorded and partially because they leave two TVs on all day, even when not watching them, that end up running programs like Yes, Dear and whatever channels run those infomercials about in-home catheters and staircase wheelchairs.

Apr 20, 2011

English Disco

I'd kind of like to talk about how I'm doing an unhealthy amount of dining at Schlotzsky's and researching Rodney Bingenheimer/ nightly moisturizers that don't make me break out like a 7th grader. I'd like to curb the frequency with which I'm doing all three but currently the enthusiasm seems limitless.

Apr 14, 2011

My brain is the worst. As are my priorities.

Really? Since November I haven't written a single thing? I guess I could tell you about how there's another bun in the oven and I'm really looking forward to being enormous this summer in the Texas heat and soul-crushing humidity while trying to haul around my son and his enormous head. And how I'm having dreams where things happen like Jim Carrey yelling, "You know what the backbone of America is? It's golf! And country clubs! And indictments of Congress and friendship! And it's sports! And Girl Scout Cookies! That's the backbone of America!" I guess I could also tell you how I'm very into papel picado and dreading the 2012 apocalypse right now as well.