Apr 30, 2011

Good to know.

Cornelius Vanderbilt's second wife was named Frank Armstrong Crawford.

Always turn the light on.

I'll tell you something that's not good to think about or else you'll obsess over it: a toilet bowl full of scorpions. Which I'm pretty sure is part of the next Saw movie where you have to cut your butt off to escape or something. I don't know exactly how those movies work.

Apr 27, 2011

ARGHHHHHOHMYGODACATHETERYOUDOYOURSELKHA;LKSDF;LSAICANNOTBREATHEANYMORE!

If you've ever questioned how Nielsen ratings keep things like King of Queens on the air but contribute to the cancellation of Arrested Development or whatever (or thankfully The Paul Reiser Show), it's partially because my parents' DVR queue has 22 Laurel and Hardy episodes recorded and partially because they leave two TVs on all day, even when not watching them, that end up running programs like Yes, Dear and whatever channels run those infomercials about in-home catheters and staircase wheelchairs.

Apr 20, 2011

English Disco

I'd kind of like to talk about how I'm doing an unhealthy amount of dining at Schlotzsky's and researching Rodney Bingenheimer/ nightly moisturizers that don't make me break out like a 7th grader. I'd like to curb the frequency with which I'm doing all three but currently the enthusiasm seems limitless.

Apr 14, 2011

My brain is the worst. As are my priorities.

Really? Since November I haven't written a single thing? I guess I could tell you about how there's another bun in the oven and I'm really looking forward to being enormous this summer in the Texas heat and soul-crushing humidity while trying to haul around my son and his enormous head. And how I'm having dreams where things happen like Jim Carrey yelling, "You know what the backbone of America is? It's golf! And country clubs! And indictments of Congress and friendship! And it's sports! And Girl Scout Cookies! That's the backbone of America!" I guess I could also tell you how I'm very into papel picado and dreading the 2012 apocalypse right now as well.