Jan 31, 2013

and then i had to text my husband to please come see me in his childhood room because i had pooped my pants in his bed.

Jan 30, 2013

road trips are the dog's balls

vomited twice. Threw pants in a Chik-fil-a bathrm trashcan. I will kill my husband's phone

Jan 25, 2013

Nobel in the bag, I'm sure.

Pinterest leads me to believe that if we could just bottle all the anger women have toward muffin tops and their boundless enthusiasm for quinoa recipes, we could probably turn it into a renewable energy source and power if not the world then at least most of North America.

Jan 24, 2013

What? You don't take checks, you say? But how am I supposed to express my individuality now?

So, I've never owned a smartphone. I mean, I've got an iPod and an iTouch that came with my iMac, so I'm not a total bozo. But I've downloaded exactly three apps in my lifetime and have never used Instagram. Am I going to be that person someday? You know, like, THAT person. The one that all of a sudden can't figure out how to pump their own gas and complains about the price of stamps?

Jan 23, 2013

Anything to declare? I hate you.

My dad took me to the first movie I ever saw in a theater and it was E.T. and I was 4 years old and I talked about it for days and hid a TV Guide under my bed with Henry Thomas and E.T. on the cover.

I just took my preschooler to Wreck It Ralph and I think he was into the movie and I know he liked the popcorn and I'm certain he enjoyed saying, "The movie's gonna staaaaaaaaaart!" every five seconds even after the movie had already started and we were well over an hour into it.

And I will also say this: I am officially in love with John C. Reilly. He can fart into a soup can and I will pay to see it. 

And if you haven't seen Wreck it Ralph, you would probably enjoy it and laugh a bunch because it's not awful like all those Toy Story flicks (sorry guys, I've just never been able to hop on that train) and Sarah Silverman gets to use her toilet humor in an organic way. 

Jan 22, 2013

When people today stay home sick do they watch The Price is Right? Is that still a thing?

Because I was stuck at home sick with two other sickos and only got to watch a potty training DVD on repeat for several hours because the other people in my life are only entertained by watching cartoon toilet water spin around and dancing to songs about hand washing. Remember when you'd stay home and watch Price is Right and then I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched would come on? And you could watch TV all day until M*A*S*H came on because that was a little too over your head. But Good Times and Laverne and Shirley and Happy Days and Three's Company and The Jeffersons and Diff'rent Strokes would all be on before dinner time. TV is so horrible now. There is not even one good channel that you can leave on all day and have good programming. It used to be all those good old programs interspersed with only four commercials: Bayer Aspirin, Alka-Seltzer, Empire Carpet and the one where Marla Gibbs was always mopping the floor.

"Space Command"

Jan 19, 2013

One of my greatest regrets in life

is that skinny jeans were not in style when I was at my fittest. Just think, all those years spent in wide-bottom, high-waisted, tapered leg, loose-in-the-thigh colored denim.  Totally wasted. Even in college I think we were still tucking in horizontally striped Harold's sweaters to our jeans and throwing on a pair of chunky-heeled black Steve Madden shoes. (Sexy outfit quotient of zero, yet I challenge you to find a more comfortable pair of shoes.) I have never lived in an era of form fitting, sexy clothing until now, but now it is too late because now I can't wear bras with 2cm wide straps under see through tops over skin tight leggings where my entire butt is hanging out and my upper thighs are like McDonald's arches because I am 35 and not 15.  Zubaz Cavaricci, that's my name.

Everyone will be wearing mint green and neon yellow this spring.

So I've been buying all my jeans from this women's store that has made me realize I am a grown woman approaching middle age in the not-too-distant future. It has sensible clothing that doesn't reveal any of the weird body issues one develops after the age of 30 like loose armpit skin and a misshapen torso. It's cute but not cutesy and safe but not farty.  And I'm not totally comfortable with shopping there yet (it's not Talbots or Chico's, FYI, but it's like the tween version of those stores) but I want to be because walking by stores like Express make me realize that I shopped there about 12 years too long (if you shop at a store when you are in middle school, you should definitely not be still buying clothing there when you are 25).

One of the main reasons I'm not completely comfortable at this store has a little to do with the dressing room soundtrack. And I do have to commend the company for exceptional lighting and those fabulous mirrors placed just so, making it an actual joy to try things on because you look long and lean and shave years off your body.  But the soundtrack will zap you back to the reality of where you are shopping as soon as the melody from what can only be a soulful, single woman of middle age who wants to love you all night the way a real woman can/be free because nobody can love her as much as she can love herself comes in to play. It's like a pump tape for ladies who are dating a co-worker and can't wait to rip off his corporate polo and khakis after the team-building retreat or who have been dumped and need a night out with girlfriends drinking too much white wine at the local fancy steakhouse bar.

Talk about synchronicity- I just got an email from the company. Of course I am going to use your coupon but I respectfully request that next time you refrain from the verbiage, "Hi! We just met you (and this is crazy) but here is 20% off your next purchase of $100 or more in-store or online!"

Jan 18, 2013

Let me know when we get to Soda Springs.

Someone in my house is always having diarrhea. It's like living on the Oregon Trail.

And if I'm being honest here, that game made me believe in 3rd grade that you could possibly die from a broken arm, so of course it freaked me out when Jenny had a bad spot during a round off back handspring and fell on her head and broke her arm. I thought all it took was you broke your arm and then within about three days you could die. But if you made it past three days you were probably going to be okay.

Jan 12, 2013

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you.

I should also mention my surgeon's name was James Franco (with a "Dr" in front of it) so I knew I would at least end up with a successful surgery at best and a small part in an odd vanity project at worst.

Never had a cavity in my life but just got a tooth pulled yesterday. Also got two of the best presents ever: a restful night on pain killers and an email from Richard Marx telling me about his limited time offer on an autograph and CD bundle OR a fitted ladies tee and CD bundle.  And if you crack your tooth on something at least 5 years ago and continue to get the pointy triangle ends of tortilla chips stuck in it and never go to the dentist to check it out, this, too, can be your future. BUT WHICH CD BUNDLE WILL YOU CHOSE?

Jan 10, 2013

Do it for me, do it for America, but please, terrestrial radio, do it for yourself.

Please never stop allocating 100% of your marketing dollars toward bumper stickers, AM and FM radio. The little pilot light that keeps my soul lit will just go right out if you ever stop. Change is happening too fast. I am 90 years old and where's my pocketbook so I can give a nickel to the milkman because all you damn hooligans with your robots and your dungarees on airplanes and the gluten free muffins. I feel like I'm tethered to the not too distant past by a piece of cheap floss that's about to rip and my mouth just did a reflexive down pout as I typed this you know the kind where your chin cellulite shows. Little things are becoming obsolete so quickly and it makes me feel real blargh. And the absolute dumbest things become so precious to me when I realize that my ability to physically see and touch and experience them at-will has been or will be jeopardized due to rapidly shifting times.

I would probably shellac this to my bumper. 
For instance, I love radio station bumper stickers. It makes me happy to see that people love a little old local radio station or its deejays so much that they put the most ridiculous stickers on their cars with like lightning bolts and neon bubble letters and the words "slow jams" or "hot mix" on them. I remember calling San Antonio's KTFM 102.7 I don't know how many times in a row because I was 8 years old at a 10 year old's slumber party and was put in charge of requesting "We Are the World" and took my job very seriously, even if it meant calling over and over until I wore down the phone-answerer who at first refused to take my request because she didn't believe I was 13 years old (apparently the required legal age to request a song in 1985).  Do they even do request lines anymore? Do the shout-outs still exist where you can say in your real sexy whispery voice that you've got a crush on Leticia Zapata and call me girl? And if you put a sticker on your car do they still do those promotions where they say that their van will be driving around a certain part of town and if they see your sticker on your car they will tell you to pull over and give you a prize? I hope so. Please don't die on me, terrestrial radio!

I'm also sad that I can't spend all my money and spare time at Blockbuster Music, Tower Records, Warehouse Music, CD Warehouse, whathaveyou. I would spend hours there. Browsing. Sitting at a listening station reading liner notes and trying to figure out why each track was placed exactly in that order and oh hey guys do you remember things like Cracker's Kerosene Hat and there were all these blank and hidden tracks like all the way to #69 and #99? Yeah, that's not really a thing anymore, R.I.P.  I would try to figure out what was only cassette single worthy versus total cassette album worthy versus CD worthy. (FYI: EMF is cassette single worthy but Mariah Carey's debut album is total cassette album worthy and the first time you get real into The Doors because you are driving to Austin a lot and drinking screwdrivers you made underage in the gas station bathroom so you can pretend to be real drunk and hang out on 6th street is CD worthy but you will regret the purchase in 5 more years.) I would look at album art. And try to figure out which crushed velvet choker I would maybe buy. And then go over to the rap section to look at the 2 Live Crew As Nasty As They Wanna Be album cover to see what all the fuss was about (because in middle school, that album and this new cartoon called The Simpsons where the boy child, Bart, said things like, "Don't have a cow man!" TO HIS TEACHER were treated with equal disdain and mypreciouschildshieldyourearsandeyes concern).  Now if I want to listen to music I have to go in my mom clothes with my old mom face and stupid mom hair to a record store where I feel bad about myself and out of place and guilty that I should be at the grocery store getting organic milk for my family instead.

Jan 8, 2013

According to my most recent Internet research

I am one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, I would venture to even say tens of millions, of disappointed Buckwild fans who is really outraged about getting duped by MTV.

Jan 4, 2013

Overheard during potty training time:

Son: "Spread my penis."

Father: "That's not how that works."

Son: "Spread my penis... please?"

*We are working on politeness and potty training simultaneously. One endeavor is going better than the other.