Jun 20, 2013

I Write Like (A MORON)

Have you seen this yet? Plug in some excerpt and it'll generate an author whose style your writing resembles.  It seems fairly self-congratulatory so do it if you want an ego boost. Or perhaps your writing really is that extraordinary. However, keep in mind the following exchange I had with my little brother about it:

Me: Apparently I have multiple personalities because I've gotten 4 different results from various writing clips. Put in *"But I don't like raisins so I said I hate raisins and I didn't eat the raisins" and see what you get.

Brother: I put in my writing and got Raymond Chandler... I had to Wiki.

Me: If you put "But I don't like raisins so I said I hate raisins and I didn't eat the raisins" you get Vonnegut.

Brother: I put in "The Heat are a bunch of patty patty whiner cakes!" and it said James Joyce.

Me: Obviously it is an exact science.

*This is part of an early elementary school diary entry belonging to one of my siblings that is famous within our family lore.

A lady in a hot pink bandage dress attacked me at the mall today.

I probably mean aggressively approached instead of attacked but whatevs, she was super taxing. Shoving a mirror in my face and blocking my way and asking me very excitedly to 'choose an eye, any eye' and then backing me into a retail space. Which turned into me being confused and angry yet interested enough to see where all this would go. And it went straight to her rubbing resveratrol cream on my eyes (resveratrol is something you find in grapes that can also help with heart health, trust me on this because I once photographed a man on a Georgia farm who bottled resveratrol from his vineyard) and then telling me I'm so beautiful but didn't I notice that all those lines around my eye  disappeared now that she has slathered the area in this cream she is selling in the hot pink bandage dress she's wearing at 10:30am? I fall victim to these people all the time. The foreign woman who swipes all my nail polish off so she can buff a nail, the man who tries to curl the 4 inches of hair I have, etc. The only person I really liked was the guy who sold the remote controlled helicopters but that was because he didn't try to sell me anything and I actually had to ask him if he would demonstrate one for my kid. This story ends with me going swimming and my eyes catching fire in the pool.

Actually, this encounter was immediately redeemed by an awesome lady named Karen at Saks who gave me three free full-size bottle of various fancy men's bath gels while I told her about the time my husband bought Michael Jordan cologne at JC Penny and Jordache deodorant at the 99 Cent Store and got a horrible rash the same day and was real sad about not getting to use either bargain hygiene product again on the off-chance he inflame his entire body.

Jun 19, 2013

See, to me, this just has "Pervert Fetish" written all over it.


These hair leggings are apparently all the rage in China right now for girls who want to repel perverts. They are some sort of stocking material with hair. Is the hair real or from dogs? Does the hair go all the way up the stockings so you can wear them with a bathing suit? I don't have answers to any of these questions. But I sure would like to see a store display, mannequins included. Imagine if you were getting ready for work one day and were like, "Damn! I just ripped my good pair of pantyhose! I should run to Walgreens and get some more!" And then after you ran inside and bought a pair of L'eggs and popped open the egg, a pair of hair leggings was waiting inside!

Jun 18, 2013

House Hunters: Skinemax

Opening shot of a couple trying to get ready in their one-sink bathroom in the morning. She is drying her hair, he is trying to spit out his toothpaste over her shoulder. She is depilatory creaming her crotch and he is electric shaving his butt. They don't have enough room! Cut to them seated on a couch talking about what they are looking for in a home. She'd like tiled floors (she'd prefer marble but knows this may unreasonable) so that her chunky heeled sandals will make constant click-click noises as she walks around.   They both want a pool and a jacuzzi and definitely a lounge chair. He wants a steam shower with bench seating. They want an extra large master closet so he can hang all of his colored button-down oxford work shirts with their corresponding ties (for instance, the red shirt with the black tie and the purple shirt with the black tie and the hunter green shirt with the black tie). She wants space for her ribbed, sleeveless mock turtleneck tops and her denim miniskirt collection. They will also need significant counter space for their wine glasses and fruit trays and answering machine. She wants a large living room so she can fit her white leather sectional couch.  They are eventually shown 3 different homes. They pick the one with the enormous bathtub and canopy bed with mosquito netting.

Jun 17, 2013

Just imagine

if Lifetouch Photography did your wedding photos. Sure, you'd be lit terribly and you'd probably be seated next to your spouse on matching round, rotating stools and forced to put your feet on a line of tape while your hands rested on your knees and your body was twisted a different direction from the way your feet were facing and your head was turned still another direction and then AND THEN tilted opposite to THAT direction. But you would sure have a lot of wallet sizes to give away to all those aunts and friends of your mom.

Jun 16, 2013

Nobody has ever called me Captain Obvious, though.

Tonight my husband asked, "This Tampax Pearl business. Is that because it goes in the clam?" I thought, It has to be because of the pearlescent applicator. Hold up. Whaaaat. I think he's right. He's right, he's right. I'm stupid. Otherwise it'd be Tampax Cardboard. Or Tampax Use Your Own Fingers.  Aggggh! This is so gross. Did they really do that? How is this not a thing that people talk about? And clams don't even make pearls, right? That's oysters?  Do guys ever call vaginas oysters? I don't want any answers to any of this.