Jul 30, 2013

But seriously one time my aunt was at Walmart at 2am and said people were lighting racks of clothes on fire.

All I'm trying to do is find some plastic playhouse options for my children but Walmart's website is apologizing for high site traffic and telling me I'm going to have to keep trying to reload.  How many people could be buying hot dogs and White Rain shampoo online right now?

Jul 23, 2013

But let's be honest here- it should probably pop up first.

I probably deserve this but if you Google "how to write like a moron" this blog pops up third in results.

Jul 21, 2013

Pants Forum

Q. "Pants are too long in the crotch. What can be done?"

A. Get a bigger crotch.

A. Some people just wrap a cucumber in tinfoil and put it down there.

A. Purchase a penis-enlarger and grow into it.

50% of the time, the Internet is one of the least helpful resources ever. Now some woman who just wanted a quick tip about her Ann Taylor work pants will probably never go online again.

Jul 20, 2013

HOLD UP.

Doug Hutchison is in Fresh Horses talking to Andrew McCarthy about how he shouldn't be messing around with Molly Ringwald because she's 16 years old and married to another man? How come zero articles have ever referenced this scene with regard to his current marriage? And why haven't I ever watched this movie all the way through before? Ben Stiller slinging bottles behind an indoor pool bar like he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail, 12 years before he actually does a skit with Tom Cruise about looking like Tom Cruise? I can't handle this movie right now.

Commercial during Boy Meets World

Are you in a relationship?

Think you're in love?

Find out if he's cheating on you!

Text your name and his name to (insert numbers accompanied by sad cartoon faced girl)

There are so many ridiculous things about this but what makes me happy is that the demographic obviously still exists that will pay to have their future predicted for them over the phone. Texting predictions are today's version of calling Miss Cleo. Probably not as exciting as talking to an actual voice that is eating Cheetos in rural Alabama somewhere and making stuff up about where your life is headed, but at least the commercials hold up.

Remember how Sabrina used to wear no less than 5 barrettes in her hair and 2 braids at all times?

According to Sabrina the Teenage Witch, if you say Randy Travis three times he will appear and do a jigsaw puzzle with you.