Dec 25, 2013

I need to take a photo but the lady who owns the house where this is going on is the kind of person who walks into your garage unannounced and wants to talk about her dogs for 10 minutes while you are trying to back out your car except on top of it you don't know her name and I'm afraid she'll see me in her yard and make me go in her house to eat cheesecake but I still want to tell you about how each year she erects this blow-up manger scene and each year the donkey bends down to rhythmically fellate the baby Jesus but nobody ever tells her.

Dec 20, 2013

Even though I constantly get She-Devil and Death Becomes Her confused, both are excellent flicks.

Dec 9, 2013

In which I am old and ranting

I feel like I straddle this weird line between my conservative suburban mom-type friends who don't always have toes in the waters of things I'm interested in (but I love them anyway and they probably tolerate me and my awkwardness and tendency toward overly-talkative T.M.I. convos) and friends completely immersed in everything I'm interested in and more but with whom I'm too insecure to hang out with more because I feel like I'm too much suburban mom.

I wish I wrote on here more too, but because I'm horrible at keeping in touch via phone or text, I use FB to post about the stuff that I hate reading about on blogs and then I get sucked into that all-consuming vortex of posting kid anecdotes and photos and then hating myself for it. And all the time I'm thinking about a million things I'd like to be chatting it up about in this space but I'm lazy and FB gives me social shortcuts I need to maintain so people will still come to my funeral in case I die in some horrible home robbery attempt/fire at Target/accident involving my garbage disposal/other irrational fear I go to sleep panicking about. 

As for suburban moms in general (of which I am one, as previously stated), I want to be supportive of their blogs, but they're in the vein of those horribly frustrating templates that mimic each other (I seriously think people just copy each other off Pinterest and have never seen a blog started prior to 2011). Like, here's the bio about mother of x-amount of children, follower of Christ, interested in cooking and home DIY projects. Here are the tabs for recipes, home renovation, children's activities, fashion selfies featuring bubble necklaces, and scripture. Everything is able to be pinned and there are least 450 #blessed tags scattered throughout. There are a thousand ads or sponsors in the sidebars, which are really just links to other blogs and the whole thing is confusing to me.

All the O.B.'s (Original Bloggers) have slowly tapered off, choosing to instead adopt Tumblr and Twitter and Instagram, which drives me batshit cray because I'm old and need to see everything in one spot, on one platform, and I can no longer do that. And none of those platforms allow anyone to write anything anymore. Some people do. And I get about not having enough time anymore to just blog all the livelong day. These folks have been doing it for 10-15 years. And they are all old too. And can't get drunk at 11AM or be up until 4AM just writing willy-nilly and posting photos. But I miss the old formats. Where you'd get used to someone's template and background. And your eyes knew what to expect when you hit their page. Like if the background was whatever color or pattern. And you actually looked at their links list. And you didn't know what they looked like, really. Or maybe you did but they weren't altering their photos with filters and Lightroom and making watermarks and adding colored text to everything.

I don't want to put my kids and their stories and photos on here because I don't want to read that stuff from other people. I guess nobody makes time at 3am like I do to have 7 different blogs all separated out. Maybe I'm being picky. I think I'm sad about getting old and realizing that people's priorities are shifting and their kids are taking up most of their thoughts and energy. And I get it. Kids zap energy you may have been able to spend toward writing about Mariah Carey or other old hobbies and interests but all you've got to give now is going toward posting about what your kids did today because if you don't write about it now you'll pass out in a wine stupor and put it off until tomorrow and the next tomorrow until you eventually forget and then your kid has no recorded memories of childhood. For some reason I feel like FB and Instagram are built specifically for complaining about children and even though it's a self-hating compulsion for me, I am fine doing that on those platforms. And realistically, that is what is going on now in my life (complaining about kids). I'm not in a real desk job. I'm not having crazy experiences out and about or with ridiculous people at work anymore. I'm not in front of a work computer, writing for my job but needing to take blogging/internet breaks all day long. I am fucking old, you guys. I am 36. I started blogging when I was 26. And that is an old age to start blogging but I didn't get internet until I got to college in '96 and even then all I knew how to do was send virtual flowers to people and use my 85 character email address. But still. So now I'm driving to preschool and to Target and doing laundry and buying eye cream and trying to figure out how to keep this thing alive on here. 

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Because I'm so fucking old I can't keep a straight train of thought. I need there to be a Wayback Machine that lets you adjust your browser settings so that it always stays 2004.