Aug 5, 2014

I feel like if I were ever cast in a movie, a great role for me to play would be a person who yells at another person, "Have some class!" while eating hominy out of a can.

Jul 26, 2014

Pam.

There's this old footage my dad shot when my parents first got their Super 8 in the late 70's. He's standing in the yard harassing the neighbor while she's gardening and she's laughing and yelling things like, "David, stop it, I'm serious! This is obscene! I mean, I do not go out in public in these shorts!" And he's laughing and being a jerk and saying things like, "What are you doing over there, Pam?" And she's saying back, "I'm digging a hole in front of you, stupid!" And Pam and her husband and my parents were barely 30 then, younger than I am now. They were all great friends, and except for this footage and seeing a few Christmas cards after we had all moved away, I don't really remember them. Pam died of cancer a long time ago and I can't explain it but each time I see that footage I just get incredibly sad.

Jul 14, 2014

WHAT

What's that? Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over this E! show about how a lady's vagina ended up on her stomach.

Aye yi yi

A family member I've never met before (who's at least 40 years older than me) contacted me on FB today, choosing to post her comment underneath a joke I made about pubic perms.

Jul 11, 2014

Gotta get new skills

Some people’s talent is achieving an ideal work/life/parent balance while mine is recreating conversations verbatim that I overhear at Houlihan’s. 

Jul 7, 2014

Nobody needs to finance another specialty condiment or children's bathing suit company

I need someone to invent diaper rash spray, either in pump-action or aerosol form or maybe in one of those cans with the bristle brush on the end like you use to scrub stains out of the carpet. Just some contraption that doesn't make me use fingers. Diaper rash ointment is thick and impossible to wash off because by nature its main purpose is to repel moisture. And let's not talk about how it gets stuck under fingernails. God forbid you get all Jonathan Livingston Seagull up in there and use A&D ointment like it's 1973 because you will never ever ever get that smell off your fingers or be able to eat french fries again. And I'm sure it can't feel good either to the diaper rash-ee to have their vulnerable inflamed undercarriage wiped over and over. Heck, make a bidet that shoots diaper rash ointment instead of water. Why hasn't this been on Shark Tank yet? 99% of the folks on that show are ladies from the Deep South with all kinds of other kid-related inventions and businesses and you cannot tell me that they too are not emotionally exhausted in the ointment department. Southern ladies come in two breeds: the high class foofy ones that like ruffles and $900 crib bedding and the backwoods rednecks who can make a diaper-changing machine with a pork chop and and a beer can. There has to be somebody out there (probably from Alabama or Kentucky, judging from the Shark Tank numbers) who can get this together. I mean, I totally would but I'm too busy tracking Jessica Simpson's wedding stories.

Jul 5, 2014

Yes to all of this

I've needed several of these prints hanging in my room starting 36 years ago.

Thank you, Brazil, for Carol Rossetti.

Check her out here

and on her Tumblr here

and on FB here.








Maybe I would've enjoyed taking the SAT more if it had questions like, "Have any of your blood relatives (parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins) ever committed murder or had diabetes?"

Since I'm supposed to be telling people I'm in a neck rehabilitation program, I'll let you know that I'm in a neck rehabilitation program. Because my neck likes whiskey and making anti-semitic comments to cops. (Joking.) But after 30 years of migraines and 15 years of various sinus, ear and allergy issues occurring alongside my migraines (despite clear CT sinus scans and also not actually having any allergies) that I have now been told are really my migraine aura (because of course I can't have the flashing lights and floating blobs and light sensitivity like a regular migraine sufferer), I have hit my limit on vomiting in my car and crying in front of my children because my entire head is pulsating and feeling stabbed and giving me vertigo and I need some experts to figure out what's damaged in my body that is causing all this crap. So now I'm going to three appointments a week to fix a bulging disc in my neck and heal the nerve damage that's (supposedly) causing my migraines and all the awful aura symptoms that go with them. And in case I never appear on here again, it's probably because I am bad at answering general psychological questions and erroneously (or not?) got sent to a psych hospital.

May 22, 2014

Just a tip

A great place to have a conversation about where your relationship is headed and how you have trust issues and need her to develop more as a person is definitely not in front of the fish tank at Rainforest Cafe. And another tip: If you don't have any kids with you, you shouldn't be at Rainforest Cafe.

(The alternate title for literary masterpiece One Thousand and One Arabian Nights)



















Apr 12, 2014

Apr 2, 2014

WHAM! of the cello world

I know I'm late on this but HOLYFU(&*^*&#$HIT, YOU GUYS.

They are like my WHAM! of the cello world except both of them are George Michael.

Mar 13, 2014

Mar 5, 2014

I guess not just something. Probably everything.

Something about a grown man wearing a Looney Tunes tie in a place of business makes me incredibly sad.

Mar 3, 2014

Here's an idea I need someone to bring to life:

workbooks for adults. Like ones that are thick and may have perforated edges so you can tear them out to take with you for research. That include all topics under the sun. And that smell good. You know, like workbooks.

I just bought 2 workbooks for one of my kids and it was complete heaven helping him do some pages in it. We traced letters, colored pictures, drew lines to match vehicles, circled things that were different, x'ed out photos of people not being safe, filled in bubbles next to items that fit various descriptions, etc. All glorious. And I put stickers or happy faces and a little phrase on each completed page.

I would love a workbook as an adult. One that I could write my name in and carry around with me all day in my bag. But I don't want one like those I.Q. test books. More like ACT-level questions. But more interesting. Maybe short paragraphs about interesting things and then questions about them. I think that's what I'm going for. And maybe interspersed with Cosmo or YM-type quizzes to figure out what your shade of lipstick is or who you should date from a list of various movie stars or which TLC Sister Wife best represents you. Yes, that's it. An assortment of brief articles about various topics with reading comprehension questions interspersed with magazine-style quizzes. And some fold-outs a la National Geographic. And a page of scratch-and-sniff stickers. And some doodle pages. But mostly I just want a bunch of interesting articles about stuff. Like everything I start to get the gist of on NPR before I realize I've let the milk get warm in the car and so have to turn off the segment before it's finished and then never really complete my understanding of said NPR topic.

Feb 21, 2014

RHOA

It is my dream to see Nicole Kidman walk the Oscars red carpet and when asked say, "I'm wearing She by Sheree."

Feb 12, 2014

Okay, I'm gonna come out and tell you that

another big, irrational fear of mine is having to eat Cheetos after someone has had them stuck up their nose. My husband thinks it's hilarious to try to stick my finger in his nose because the thing I hate third most (first most is balloons, second most is licking construction paper) is feeling the warm, damp insides of a nose. And I know this means I am about two shades away from the Cheetos.

Jan 29, 2014

Damnit, Linked In

When I accept someone's request to connect on Linked In (a site I appreciate as valuable but don't use) and read a news feed headline like "Do You Struggle to Make Conversation? A Menu of Options for Small Talk" I get major anxiety. Linked In always gives me heebies (the jeebies I don't get because I'm not scared, I just get anxious, so I only get the first part).

My mind starts running with questions like:

Am I supposed to be worrying about things like this?
Am I less professional because I don't?
Is this what people who wear suits everyday like to research?
Are professional people reading articles like this each day to stay ahead?
What kind of job would make me need to read this article?
I hope I never have that kind of job, it sounds like a horrible sales job, but what if I do have to take a job like that someday and I haven't read all the articles and I'm a nervous wreck because I didn't read the articles and I get more anxious and explode?


Jan 26, 2014

Painting my bedroom a dark green. It will either become the dark, old man, fox hunting club cave of my dreams, or it's going to be one candy dish full of dusty rose seashell soaps away from the bedroom of a 75 year old lady's dreams.

Jan 19, 2014

Mariah, girl, please stop dressing like it's Prom 1995.

I know there are a million more important things going on in the world, but will someone please hire Mariah Carey a stylist?

Jan 14, 2014

Nope, Genius. I would also not like Nick Lachey's "What's Left of Me".

About to kill iTunes because its Genius Recommendation list is suggesting "Who Let The Dogs Out". File under: COULD NOT BE MORE OFFENDED 2014.

It's so difficult to find Patti LaBelle sheets these days. You have to really know where to look.

I like when I sit down in a dressing room after I've been trying on clothes and I take out my phone and it can't figure out my location. The phone is like, nobody wants to know you're at Ross right now. And I like when I stay at Ross 5 minutes longer than I should and end up buying a bag of old (but not stale because I ate some in my car!) Lindor chocolates because I wanted to hear the rest of a Counting Crows song.

Jan 7, 2014

Nobody's died from getting their ears pierced at Claire's, right?

A childhood friend with whom I like to share various health and parenting and beauty-related tips and phobias and anxieties (such as what if I pooped and some blood came out should I call the doctor or is it weird if I spent a half hour trying to draw a fire escape plan for my house even though my children can't read maps) sent me a link to an article about turning 39. And it all rang true. The stuff about basically not giving a fuck anymore about the stuff that turned you on in your 20's, wanting to nap all the time, inability to hold liquor, still feeling mentally youthful and then realizing you're 35-odd years away from parenting your own parents, etc. And I'm not turning 39 for 3 more years, but I'm really just giving advance warning that if I write on here in the next few months that I got my ears double-pierced at Claire's, just understand it's part of my pre-40 mixed feelings phase and no judgement, please.

Why am I so bad at everything

Custom mixtape tote bag fail.
Custom mixtape iron success!

I have owned this $10 iron since 1996 and have used it approximately 20 times, including at least 5 times for iron-on tote bag projects, and I may have just caused its retirement. What I cannot tell you is if this is the best financial investment I have made or the worst.

Jan 6, 2014

I'm going to need this to never become a "thing"

Women are so awesome that men want to be them all the time, I'm sure. But if I ever see somebody walking down the street like this I'll pass out on the spot for sure.

I had Mick's haircut in 5th grade

The time Bob Dylan was at Mick Jagger's birthday party during his Brody Jenner phase.

Jan 5, 2014

I'm totally going to staycation there

Last night I went on a ghost tour with my dad and saw a Holiday Inn Express that was really a renovated jail. But the scariest part was that nobody could tell the difference.

Jan 4, 2014

I'm sorry...

but I find it hard to believe nobody talks about the fact that the person who wrote Harold and the Purple Crayon was named Crockett Johnson.

Jan 2, 2014

Thing I See In My Daily Grocery Store Errands Thesis 2014

Are you raised to like Miche Bags or are you just born that way?
Something I never want to be told again to do is to help fill someone's love tank.

Jan 1, 2014

I wonder if there are women out there who've got big dreams of reality TV but cry themselves to sleep each night because they don't know how to apply fake eyelashes.
Oh my gosh this fucking show. These characters live in the ocean and are all ocean creatures except stuff happens like they have a pet dog and they go to the beach that is also inside the ocean. My mind should be blown at that last part but it isn't because this show is so fucking stupid. My husband has thought up another fucking ridiculous animated show about a generic primitive boy that walks around with a rain gauge all day and picks up other random items he comes across and the only dialogue is the theme song that plays in the background that goes, "It's Taboogie, and his rain gauge, and his what-everrrrr." This is all so stupid I can't continue writing about it.