Jan 29, 2014

Damnit, Linked In

When I accept someone's request to connect on Linked In (a site I appreciate as valuable but don't use) and read a news feed headline like "Do You Struggle to Make Conversation? A Menu of Options for Small Talk" I get major anxiety. Linked In always gives me heebies (the jeebies I don't get because I'm not scared, I just get anxious, so I only get the first part).

My mind starts running with questions like:

Am I supposed to be worrying about things like this?
Am I less professional because I don't?
Is this what people who wear suits everyday like to research?
Are professional people reading articles like this each day to stay ahead?
What kind of job would make me need to read this article?
I hope I never have that kind of job, it sounds like a horrible sales job, but what if I do have to take a job like that someday and I haven't read all the articles and I'm a nervous wreck because I didn't read the articles and I get more anxious and explode?

Jan 26, 2014

Painting my bedroom a dark green. It will either become the dark, old man, fox hunting club cave of my dreams, or it's going to be one candy dish full of dusty rose seashell soaps away from the bedroom of a 75 year old lady's dreams.

Jan 19, 2014

Mariah, girl, please stop dressing like it's Prom 1995.

I know there are a million more important things going on in the world, but will someone please hire Mariah Carey a stylist?

Jan 14, 2014

Nope, Genius. I would also not like Nick Lachey's "What's Left of Me".

About to kill iTunes because its Genius Recommendation list is suggesting "Who Let The Dogs Out". File under: COULD NOT BE MORE OFFENDED 2014.

It's so difficult to find Patti LaBelle sheets these days. You have to really know where to look.

I like when I sit down in a dressing room after I've been trying on clothes and I take out my phone and it can't figure out my location. The phone is like, nobody wants to know you're at Ross right now. And I like when I stay at Ross 5 minutes longer than I should and end up buying a bag of old (but not stale because I ate some in my car!) Lindor chocolates because I wanted to hear the rest of a Counting Crows song.

Jan 7, 2014

Nobody's died from getting their ears pierced at Claire's, right?

A childhood friend with whom I like to share various health and parenting and beauty-related tips and phobias and anxieties (such as what if I pooped and some blood came out should I call the doctor or is it weird if I spent a half hour trying to draw a fire escape plan for my house even though my children can't read maps) sent me a link to an article about turning 39. And it all rang true. The stuff about basically not giving a fuck anymore about the stuff that turned you on in your 20's, wanting to nap all the time, inability to hold liquor, still feeling mentally youthful and then realizing you're 35-odd years away from parenting your own parents, etc. And I'm not turning 39 for 3 more years, but I'm really just giving advance warning that if I write on here in the next few months that I got my ears double-pierced at Claire's, just understand it's part of my pre-40 mixed feelings phase and no judgement, please.

Why am I so bad at everything

Custom mixtape tote bag fail.
Custom mixtape iron success!

I have owned this $10 iron since 1996 and have used it approximately 20 times, including at least 5 times for iron-on tote bag projects, and I may have just caused its retirement. What I cannot tell you is if this is the best financial investment I have made or the worst.

Jan 6, 2014

I'm going to need this to never become a "thing"

Women are so awesome that men want to be them all the time, I'm sure. But if I ever see somebody walking down the street like this I'll pass out on the spot for sure.

I had Mick's haircut in 5th grade

The time Bob Dylan was at Mick Jagger's birthday party during his Brody Jenner phase.

Jan 5, 2014

I'm totally going to staycation there

Last night I went on a ghost tour with my dad and saw a Holiday Inn Express that was really a renovated jail. But the scariest part was that nobody could tell the difference.

Jan 4, 2014

I'm sorry...

but I find it hard to believe nobody talks about the fact that the person who wrote Harold and the Purple Crayon was named Crockett Johnson.

Jan 2, 2014

Thing I See In My Daily Grocery Store Errands Thesis 2014

Are you raised to like Miche Bags or are you just born that way?
Something I never want to be told again to do is to help fill someone's love tank.

Jan 1, 2014

I wonder if there are women out there who've got big dreams of reality TV but cry themselves to sleep each night because they don't know how to apply fake eyelashes.
Oh my gosh this fucking show. These characters live in the ocean and are all ocean creatures except stuff happens like they have a pet dog and they go to the beach that is also inside the ocean. My mind should be blown at that last part but it isn't because this show is so fucking stupid. My husband has thought up another fucking ridiculous animated show about a generic primitive boy that walks around with a rain gauge all day and picks up other random items he comes across and the only dialogue is the theme song that plays in the background that goes, "It's Taboogie, and his rain gauge, and his what-everrrrr." This is all so stupid I can't continue writing about it.