Aug 5, 2014

I feel like if I were ever cast in a movie, a great role for me to play would be a person who yells at another person, "Have some class!" while eating hominy out of a can.

Jul 26, 2014


There's this old footage my dad shot when my parents first got their Super 8 in the late 70's. He's standing in the yard harassing the neighbor while she's gardening and she's laughing and yelling things like, "David, stop it, I'm serious! This is obscene! I mean, I do not go out in public in these shorts!" And he's laughing and being a jerk and saying things like, "What are you doing over there, Pam?" And she's saying back, "I'm digging a hole in front of you, stupid!" And Pam and her husband and my parents were barely 30 then, younger than I am now. They were all great friends, and except for this footage and seeing a few Christmas cards after we had all moved away, I don't really remember them. Pam died of cancer a long time ago and I can't explain it but each time I see that footage I just get incredibly sad.

Jul 14, 2014


What's that? Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over this E! show about how a lady's vagina ended up on her stomach.

Aye yi yi

A family member I've never met before (who's at least 40 years older than me) contacted me on FB today, choosing to post her comment underneath a joke I made about pubic perms.

Jul 11, 2014

Gotta get new skills

Some people’s talent is achieving an ideal work/life/parent balance while mine is recreating conversations verbatim that I overhear at Houlihan’s. 

Jul 7, 2014

Nobody needs to finance another specialty condiment or children's bathing suit company

I need someone to invent diaper rash spray, either in pump-action or aerosol form or maybe in one of those cans with the bristle brush on the end like you use to scrub stains out of the carpet. Just some contraption that doesn't make me use fingers. Diaper rash ointment is thick and impossible to wash off because by nature its main purpose is to repel moisture. And let's not talk about how it gets stuck under fingernails. God forbid you get all Jonathan Livingston Seagull up in there and use A&D ointment like it's 1973 because you will never ever ever get that smell off your fingers or be able to eat french fries again. And I'm sure it can't feel good either to the diaper rash-ee to have their vulnerable inflamed undercarriage wiped over and over. Heck, make a bidet that shoots diaper rash ointment instead of water. Why hasn't this been on Shark Tank yet? 99% of the folks on that show are ladies from the Deep South with all kinds of other kid-related inventions and businesses and you cannot tell me that they too are not emotionally exhausted in the ointment department. Southern ladies come in two breeds: the high class foofy ones that like ruffles and $900 crib bedding and the backwoods rednecks who can make a diaper-changing machine with a pork chop and and a beer can. There has to be somebody out there (probably from Alabama or Kentucky, judging from the Shark Tank numbers) who can get this together. I mean, I totally would but I'm too busy tracking Jessica Simpson's wedding stories.

Jul 5, 2014

Yes to all of this

I've needed several of these prints hanging in my room starting 36 years ago.

Thank you, Brazil, for Carol Rossetti.

Check her out here

and on her Tumblr here

and on FB here.

Maybe I would've enjoyed taking the SAT more if it had questions like, "Have any of your blood relatives (parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins) ever committed murder or had diabetes?"

Since I'm supposed to be telling people I'm in a neck rehabilitation program, I'll let you know that I'm in a neck rehabilitation program. Because my neck likes whiskey and making anti-semitic comments to cops. (Joking.) But after 30 years of migraines and 15 years of various sinus, ear and allergy issues occurring alongside my migraines (despite clear CT sinus scans and also not actually having any allergies) that I have now been told are really my migraine aura (because of course I can't have the flashing lights and floating blobs and light sensitivity like a regular migraine sufferer), I have hit my limit on vomiting in my car and crying in front of my children because my entire head is pulsating and feeling stabbed and giving me vertigo and I need some experts to figure out what's damaged in my body that is causing all this crap. So now I'm going to three appointments a week to fix a bulging disc in my neck and heal the nerve damage that's (supposedly) causing my migraines and all the awful aura symptoms that go with them. And in case I never appear on here again, it's probably because I am bad at answering general psychological questions and erroneously (or not?) got sent to a psych hospital.

May 22, 2014

Just a tip

A great place to have a conversation about where your relationship is headed and how you have trust issues and need her to develop more as a person is definitely not in front of the fish tank at Rainforest Cafe. And another tip: If you don't have any kids with you, you shouldn't be at Rainforest Cafe.

(The alternate title for literary masterpiece One Thousand and One Arabian Nights)