All that remains are a few remnants lovingly reprinted here:
I think it's funny that you want to be MADE into a firetruck. I want to be MADE into a budding real estate guru, preternaturally disposed to light flow periods, who makes the top of Diane Rehm's "Guests I Most Want on My Show" shortlist.
Diane Rehm Hosts the Host of all Hosts--the Communion Wafer! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts David Lee Roth! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Eli Whitney and his cotton gin- from the grave! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Eliot Gould! Nobody knows who he is! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Eliot Spitzer- watch the girls go crazy! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Little Bunny Foo Foo! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts The Typical Alpha Male! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Michael Keaton! Tune in. Diane Rehm Hosts Two Michaels- Chabon and Sham On! Tune in.
Wouldn't it be funny if we had a cartoon for adults and it was about a radio show and the host was a communion wafer? It would be like Frasier, but with a talking sacrilege.
I have megalomania. The manic depression obscures this fact.
Are tapered jeans meant for people with tapered legs? Because how awful, you know, to actually have tapered legs. To actually know your legs are, in a sense, "fasionably unacceptable."
I love you, Jonny Lang. You would never bring enchiladas into the movie theater. That's because love would have come to town.
For the second time, someone has urinated in the elevator. Inexplicably, this time, it smells faintly like analgesic.
I just found a bug on my expensive organic grapes. Why is my life infested with bugs and flatulence?
I baked an incredibly good dessert today. My book will be called: Incredibly Good--Lick it 'Til it Falls Apart. It will have one phrase per page, which will be accompanied by an illustration. For instance: "When things get itchy, lick them!" (Picture of a kid with chicken pox being licked by a big tongue.) "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer--so you can lick them!" (Picture of hostages and the German chancellor on postage stamps--both of which are being licked.)"Hablando del rey de Roma, se asoma...y se lame!"(Picture of the Pope wearing devil horns being licked by a giant llama.)
There should be an emergence of realistic children's movies to balance out all of this overproduced escapism so kids can have both ends of the spectrum and maybe appreciate the magic of unicorns and David Bowie a little bit more. Here's a hint of realism for you, Hollywood- how about these film ideas: Mommy Doesn't Live Here Anymore, But I Saw Her Naked In The Tuff Shed With My Best Friend's Dad- The Movie! Picked Last For Kickball- The Movie! Your Mom Isn't A PTA Homeroom Mom So You'll Never Win Any Party Games- The Movie! Don't Tell Mom I Swallowed Campho-Phenique And Liked It- The Movie! My Dad Drives A Minivan And I'm Failing Social Studies For Completely Unrelated Reasons- The Movie!
Two notable films the Academy over(under?)looked:
1. Sexual Harrassment: Employee Training Guide
In this hard-hitting documentary, semi-professional actors perform scenes displaying what is, and what is not, sexual harrassment in the white-collar, halogen world of business. Audiences talked for weeks afterward about the Roger/Gloria/balls scene. Roger, sweating through his short-sleeved thin cotton-poly blend shirt, says to Gloria, "How are things going with the Eckerman account?" Gloria, refilling her One Proud Grandma coffee mug, mentions she's pretty busy, as Alan in accounting has asked her to redo the expense report from that trip to Helena, MT, while Peter in PR is hoping she can find time to train the new intern. She sighs and says, "I've got my hands full." Roger listens, lingering near the stirring straws, and just as Gloria leans in for a swizzle stick, she hears the following: "Havin' a hard time keepin' all those balls in the air?" Gloria, not sure if this use of the word "balls" in the workplace constitutes sexual harrassment, or if Roger's comment even makes sense, is then frozen in a frame that perfectly captures her consternation- not to mention how it highlights her deft use of lipliner and green eye shadow to bring out the natural contours of her face!
2. Maturation: The film for 4th graders
With an all-American teen brunette starring as Julie, the nine year old, and Renee Zellweger as the patient nurse, this film shines in its attempt to shed light on the familiar mecca to the land of puberty we all must make. A stoic pilgrim on a journey through that wasteland of despair, hopelessness, and foul odors we have come to call maturation, Julie undertakes the cause of becoming a woman with her guide, Nurse Annie (played by Zellweger, who has not exhibited this kind of raw emotional vicissitude since Empire Records). Though other directors have broached the subject of adolescence in films like Stand By Me, My Girl, and Armageddon, none has succeeded in producing such a fine, and educational, trip to the movies.
